December 08, 2019, 08:12:04 AM

Author Topic: My first publishing - done  (Read 562 times)

Offline stigger88

My first publishing - done
« on: July 12, 2019, 03:21:59 PM »
Hey guys, I got my first "book" published and on amazon.  It's really just a short story (really short) but was more of a test for the bigger book I have coming out in a few months.

Any Feedback would be awesome.  And it's Free, so you can check it out for free, obviously.

https://amzn.to/2YQJWUn

Offline itsmevichet

Re: My first publishing - done
« Reply #1 on: July 12, 2019, 05:50:54 PM »
Hey there - fellow newbie self-publishing fantasticalist here. Gonna check it out in a moment, but do you have a preferred channel to receive your feedback? Private message/public review/both?

Let me know!
Vichet Ou
Author of the Cruxverse
Composer of Email Signatures
Writer of Too Many Lines
Beater of Dead Horses

Offline itsmevichet

Re: My first publishing - done
« Reply #2 on: July 15, 2019, 06:35:36 PM »
Hey OP - never heard back from you but I figure replying here should be fine and hopefully generate more discussion of your work.

Things I liked:
  • Overall, this was a quick, engaging read.
  • You have a pretty rich visual style that put me in the scene without being overly descriptive.
  • You have action early and throughout. This is always good.
  • Who is this wandering vagrant that the United Federation of Mythical Creatures sends an entire army to kill? I want to know more. That's always good.

Things I didn't like as much, but could be someone else's cup of tea:
  • I found your protagonist to be kind of bland. I realize it's a short, but I'm not sure exactly what he wants or why he acts the way he does. He seems pretty cruel, which can still be engaging and interesting, but I think he needs at least some development beyond "kills monsters."
  • As I said before, the ending made me wonder how and why an entire army of these likely very different creatures got together to kill one guy, and what that one guy did - on the one hand, you've stoked my curiosity. On the other hand, you leave me with no answers - for my taste, within the scope of a short, you've got to at least give me something.
  • You tend to go very deep into detail w/ your fight choreography - I get the sense you have a very clear picture in your head about how you want it to look, but it's too hands on, if that makes any sense. You want to give the reader enough details to make the fight look cool in their own head, while at the same time not bludgeoning them with minutiae. It's a balance. Don't take it out, I like the details, I just think they're a little too much.

Things that I think need some retooling:
  • I know this is cliché advice at this point, but I feel there are too many adverbs littered into your prose. Effortlessly, harmlessly, immediately, truly, etc. At best, they're redundant because whatever you were saying reads well without the adverb. At worst, it comes off like you're trying to convince the reader that something was "effortless" because your prose doesn't make it obvious. I would say go back and re-read each sentence without the adverb and see if it still works. If it doesn't, you need to find a way to use verbs and other description to make it read. Adverbs are shortcuts.
  • Nitpicky, but you use numerals in some places and write out the numbers in others. Not a huge thing, but it does jump off of the page in a way it doesn't need to.
  • I don't know anything about your vampires aside from them not being afraid of the morning light. The trouble with introducing well-established folkloric creatures is that they bring with them a lot of baggage from other literature that you almost always have to address.
  • I feel your character descriptions fall short of your descriptions of scenery - you strike a good balance in scenery between important details and little extras, but with characters and creatures you're going into too much detail that stops your action.
  • This is related to the fight choreo thing I mentioned above, but you spend a lot of time explaining Khazidea's tactical thinking - how many knives to throwing, how to parry this or that, what characters to attack first. I don't think you need to do anything but show him slaying some monsters and we'll get the idea that he's hella dangerous, along with the implication that he knows what he's doing. Imagine if Ironman decided to start narrating, during a fight, why he's shooting this or that minion first. Slows it all down, know what I mean?
[/list]
Vichet Ou
Author of the Cruxverse
Composer of Email Signatures
Writer of Too Many Lines
Beater of Dead Horses