January 26, 2020, 02:43:52 AM

Author Topic: Blurb Help  (Read 3794 times)

Offline THElewisdix

Blurb Help
« on: August 06, 2013, 10:17:54 PM »
Howdy!!

I self-published a book back in April and it's done pretty well but I can't help but feel that the blurb needs some work. I'm given to think that it comes across as too romance-y. Anyway here's the blurb as it is:

Quote
This is the tale of a skeletal warrior with no name and no future, raised from the dead to serve only one purpose - to fight and die on the front lines of battle. This is all he has known for centuries, but all that's about to change. For he will come face-to-face with the Dark Lord's greatest enemy, a young witch named Kora. As the leader of the rebellion, she is the very person he has been sent to kill. And yet, she will awaken feelings in him long dead, setting him on a path that threatens to change the course of the Empire forever.

And here's the new one I'm toying around with:

Quote
Centuries pass and the Dark Lord's Empire spreads across the land, its unconquerable armies forcing kingdom after kingdom to bend the knee. At the fore of these armies are the minions, skeletal warriors raised from the dead with dark magic to serve on the frontlines of battle. Unthinking, unfeeling, and expendable, they are the perfect soldiers. After all, there is no killing what is already dead.

But what if, beneath all that killing and bloodshed, some trace of humanity lingers on. Would it be possible for one of them to break free from the Dark Lord's control? And what would happen if it did?

What do you guys think? Should I stick with the original and just change it up? Add some more to the second? Any advice would be greatly appreciated!
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Offline Louise

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Re: Blurb Help
« Reply #1 on: August 06, 2013, 10:54:42 PM »
It depends what kind of story you'd like to tell. The first is very character focused, while the second is more expansive. If this is the story of one man's struggle, the first might be closer to the mark.

Offline Doctor_Chill

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Re: Blurb Help
« Reply #2 on: August 06, 2013, 11:02:03 PM »
I prefer the first one. Second one is a bland, trying to hook but not, stereotypical blurb. The first is more personal, really tells a story than "Darkness is here with skeletons and a possibility to change that" while your original one says "Certain skeleton is a machine, no emotion, but a witch can awaken him to set the world ablaze."

My only critique for the first is to flip the end sentence with the second's end paragraph. Makes it more of a punch.
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Offline THElewisdix

Re: Blurb Help
« Reply #3 on: August 07, 2013, 09:56:42 PM »
Thank you both for the replies! You both have a very valid point. I guess the second is more of a concept than  story.

Don Juan when you say flip the end sentence what do you mean?
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Offline Doctor_Chill

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Re: Blurb Help
« Reply #4 on: August 08, 2013, 12:43:12 AM »
If you keep the first blurb, switch this:

Quote
And yet, she will awaken feelings in him long dead, setting him on a path that threatens to change the course of the Empire forever.

to this:

Quote
But what if, beneath all that killing and bloodshed, some trace of humanity lingers on. Would it be possible for one of them him to break free from the Dark Lord's control? And what would happen if it he did?
“It’s a dangerous thing, pretense. A man ought to know who he is, even if he isn’t proud to be it.” - Tomorrow the Killing, Daniel Polansky

Offline thedoctor

Re: Blurb Help
« Reply #5 on: August 13, 2013, 02:48:51 AM »
Big improvement! I think the second one sounds much more professional.

The first one is not well written, with the sentences beginning and ending in odd places. Also, starting with "this is the tale of" makes it sound like you are going to tell a story around a campfire.

The second one is really impressive, but I would change how it ends. The first paragraph is great but the second paragraph feels like a change of tone. I would use this paragraph to introduce your protagonist and Kora.
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Offline THElewisdix

Re: Blurb Help
« Reply #6 on: August 20, 2013, 05:06:52 PM »
I agree, thedoctor. After reviewing your suggestion, this is what I've come up with:

Quote
Centuries pass and the Dark Lord's Empire spreads across the land, its unconquerable armies forcing kingdom after kingdom to bend the knee. At the fore of these armies are the minions, skeletal warriors raised from the dead with dark magic to serve on the frontlines of battle. They are the perfect soldiers – made to be unthinking, unfeeling, and expendable. After all, there is no killing what is already dead.

So when one of them makes the unlikely choice to spare the Dark Lord’s greatest enemy, a powerful young witch named Kora who has awoken feelings in him long dead, he sets off a chain of events that threaten to change the course of the Empire forever.


How's that?
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Offline Ashes

Re: Blurb Help
« Reply #7 on: August 20, 2013, 11:08:51 PM »
Having read the book, and enjoyed it. I thought the original blurb was good but...
Quote
Centuries pass and the Dark Lord's Empire spreads across the land, its unconquerable armies forcing kingdom after kingdom to bend the knee. At the fore of these armies are the minions, skeletal warriors raised from the dead with dark magic to serve on the frontlines of battle. They are the perfect soldiers – made to be unthinking, unfeeling, and expendable. After all, there is no killing what is already dead.

So when one of them makes the unlikely choice to spare the Dark Lord’s greatest enemy, a powerful young witch named Kora who has awoken feelings in him long dead, he sets off a chain of events that threaten to change the course of the Empire forever.
... is rather snazzier.

By the way, is the second one being written?
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Offline thedoctor

Re: Blurb Help
« Reply #8 on: August 21, 2013, 01:23:43 AM »
I agree, thedoctor. After reviewing your suggestion, this is what I've come up with:

Quote
Centuries pass and the Dark Lord's Empire spreads across the land, its unconquerable armies forcing kingdom after kingdom to bend the knee. At the fore of these armies are the minions, skeletal warriors raised from the dead with dark magic to serve on the frontlines of battle. They are the perfect soldiers – made to be unthinking, unfeeling, and expendable. After all, there is no killing what is already dead.

So when one of them makes the unlikely choice to spare the Dark Lord’s greatest enemy, a powerful young witch named Kora who has awoken feelings in him long dead, he sets off a chain of events that threaten to change the course of the Empire forever.


How's that?

Much better, but I would still recommend some changes, because I found all the pronouns a little confusing. You start with "one of them" but the minions were only referenced a few sentences back so it is not that clear who you are referring to. You then use "he" and "him" but you haven't named him yet.

How about: "When one minion, Protagonist's Name, makes the unlikely choice to spare the witch Kora, the Dark Lord's greatest enemy, he sets off a chain of events that threatens to change the Empire forever."

Obviously all just my opinion, etc, so feel free to disregard.
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Offline THElewisdix

Re: Blurb Help
« Reply #9 on: August 21, 2013, 11:30:57 PM »
By the way, is the second one being written?

Hey A.T! Thanks for the kind words! It really means a lot. As for the second one - I, DARK LORD - I'm about halfway through Sakroth's chapters and am putting the finishing touches on Corbin's chapters now. Should be done here real soon and then off to the editor before the end of the month. So definitely early September!

Much better, but I would still recommend some changes, because I found all the pronouns a little confusing. You start with "one of them" but the minions were only referenced a few sentences back so it is not that clear who you are referring to. You then use "he" and "him" but you haven't named him yet.

How about: "When one minion, Protagonist's Name, makes the unlikely choice to spare the witch Kora, the Dark Lord's greatest enemy, he sets off a chain of events that threatens to change the Empire forever."

Obviously all just my opinion, etc, so feel free to disregard.

The only problem with that is you don't find out the minion's name until the end of the book. But I will definitely look at trying to make it less confusing. Thanks again!
I, Minion: "Fun, dark, a worthy read!"
http://amzn.to/ZwVnOu