August 25, 2019, 03:13:27 PM

Author Topic: Welcome to the RPG 2018  (Read 2883 times)

Offline Nighteyes

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Welcome to the RPG 2018
« on: August 19, 2018, 10:34:23 PM »
Welcome to the King's Paws. Behind the bar stands a grizzled old bartender.  He calmly polishes tankard after tankard with a grotty old cloth. He is waiting for something ... he has been waiting for many moons now.  Whilst the village of Greendale seems peaceful and idyllic, however it is plagued by the dragon Mathias.  The bartender awaits the arrival of seven heroes who might rid the village of the dragon.  All the young people in the village have been slayed by the dragon and as the kingdom is ruled by an incontinent despot named Theresa of the May, the villagers know they can expect no help from kingdom's armies.  They await rescue from adventurers.  Who might these adventurers be? Can forth and announce yourselves!
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Offline ScarletBea

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Re: Welcome to the RPG 2018
« Reply #1 on: August 20, 2018, 11:35:32 AM »
The doors open from a kick - who can't even use the handle like a normal person?
Scarlet the Wizard arrives with her hands full, bringing a cake.

"Oh give me some space, I need to put this down!"

"Scarlet, welcome back! Hey, I thought you were able to carry all sorts of things inside your cloak, what happened? Why are you actually holding the cake?"

"Too many books. I never thought I'd say this, but my pockets are now full.... I need to improve the space spell.
So, who else is coming?"
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Offline Slaykomimi

Re: Welcome to the RPG 2018
« Reply #2 on: August 20, 2018, 01:32:24 PM »
The door slowly closes behind Scarlet and the sound of it draws the attention towards the door.

"Hello everyone, my Name is Maxim, I was hunting with friends but got seperated and couldn´t find them anymore, so I walked around aimlessly and finally found this place, one cider please"
Truly, if there is evil in this world, it lies within the heart of mankind.

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Offline Henry Dale

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Re: Welcome to the RPG 2018
« Reply #3 on: August 20, 2018, 04:00:19 PM »
Henry the Jack was having the kind of day where, when people ask you 'how do you do' and you reply that nothing could be better, you actually mean the opposite.

The morning had started out quite well, with tea and a positively mismatched adventure along with his friends Conan, V and Mr. Whiskers. It had taken a turn for the bad when people from taxes tried to collect due payment for years and Henry was forced to flee the scene.

His friends had stayed behind to distract the good employees of state and now Henry, not quite paying attention where he ran as always, had made his way into the most unremarkable remarkable bar he had ever seen.

As he made his way forward for a drink, dodging some restless wizardly books along the way, he thought only one thing.
Burn my fries, I left the bathroom light on...

Offline Nighteyes

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Re: Welcome to the RPG 2018
« Reply #4 on: August 20, 2018, 05:30:33 PM »
"Welcome adventurers!" the barman cheerily calls out. "I've been waiting a long time for you. Let me pour you all drinks while we await four more companions."
"I'll have a ..." Scarlet begins.
"A gin and tonic with a lime," the barman announces as he presents a refreshing looking G & T complete with a tiny umbrella.
"How did you know?" Scarlet exclaims.
"And a refreshing pint of cider for young Maxim," the barman continues.
"Well that was easy," Henry snorts. "He already told you his order. Do me now!"
The barman smiles and in a twinkle produces a tall glass with a straw in which is a sparkling green liquid.
"One appletini!"
"I don't drink those!" Henry snorts.
"Oh am I mistaken? I'll pour you a pint of ale then..."
"No, it's okay. I'll just drink this ... since you poured it already," Henry quickly replies.  He takes a long slurp on the straw. "I mean I'd usually never drink this but when in Rome..."
"Rome?" The barman asks sounding confused. "This is Greendale not Rome."
« Last Edit: August 20, 2018, 05:36:52 PM by Nighteyes »
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Offline Lady Ty

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Re: Welcome to the RPG 2018
« Reply #5 on: August 21, 2018, 05:59:48 AM »
The door opened again and an iridescent young dragon stepped over the threshold, looking around her with curiosity.

"Why, hello there, I'm Persephone"  she purred. " Who's running this party to end all parties?"

The grizzled old barman looked up under his grizzled old eyebrows and laughed. "S'pose that'd be me."

"Right, Grandad, I have a message from Oggy, The Dragon Godmother.  She can't join you, but will be keeping an eye on you because Mathias is a right renegade bastard. Smug's latest true love has just hatched their first brood and they can't manage with night feeds or nappies or first flights or bathtime  or … well, they just can't manage.  She's had to step in and take control. Guess some of you know what that means - "Do this, Do that, Yes, ma'am, No ma'am, Three Gold Barrels full  ma'am".  Would really appreciate a single malt, barman, we're all exhausted with Oggy around."

The barman obliged and Persephone sipped contentedly. She sighed sending trickles of jasmine scented flame wafting to the fireplace and up the chimney, then continued.

"Soooo, Madam Godmother Almighty was in the middle of moving palaces at the time Smug called her, and was planning her new kitchens, now not in the best of tempers.  I  was lucky to get this messenger duty and out of her way.  She said to tell you she"ll interfere when she feels like it, oops, I mean help out if you need it and make sure you don't go hungry. Oggs runs a pop up food truck business on the side, so you may get some surprises along the way. "

The young dragon batted her long eyelashes at Scarlet, grinned at Henry the Jack, pinched Maxim's ear with a gentle claw and slyly pulled the barman's beard. "Guess you've got an unpredictable Godmother ex machina on your side, have fun and good luck."

Waving and laughing Persephone whipped her gleaming tail round in a flourish, blew kisses at all of them and disappeared.
« Last Edit: August 21, 2018, 06:04:50 AM by Lady Ty »
“This is the problem with even lesser demons. They come to your doorstep in velvet coats and polished shoes. They tip their hats and smile and demonstrate good table manners. They never show you their tails.” 
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Offline ScarletBea

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Re: Welcome to the RPG 2018
« Reply #6 on: August 21, 2018, 08:10:15 AM »
"Persephone!", Scarlet screamed delightedly and jumped on the dragon for a tight hug, "So glad to see you again!"

"So barman, confess, who else did you call?"
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Offline J.R. Darewood

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Re: Welcome to the RPG 2018
« Reply #7 on: August 21, 2018, 08:24:03 AM »
Observing the cake-filled get-together from his table near the back of the bar, ex-Courtmaster Olfred the Official Recorder of Jurisprudence, Master of Ceremonies, Officiator of Decorum and Royal Comptroller was drowning his sorrows in drink.  As public intoxication has been prohibited in bylaw 17-32.4 and half for the past 700 years, Olfred was drinking chocolate milk, or so he hoped. The beverage tasted nothing like chocolate nor milk, but it did seem to have a similar color to the aforementioned substance, if it's consistency was somewhat gooey-er and chunkier than Olfred would have liked.

He had been staring at the notice posted on the wall of the bar for 3 hours now. The words had been boring a hole into his skull, maddening him.

"Eh-ex-excuse me good sir--"

"Gesundheit," the barkeep said with a wince.

"No, no I wasn't sneezing I was--"

"Aren't you Olfred the Officious?"  The barkeep's eyes narrowed at the sight of Theresa of the May's right hand sycophant. "Of the Royal Court?"

On her second day as most distinguished tyrant, Theresa of the May had re-named him "Olfred the Officious", because it was  "shorter" and "more accurate."

"Well... yes and no. It has been my job since birth, and my family's job for generations, to record and advise our rulers on all matters regarding legality and decorum. As of today I have been exiled from the court for quote-on-quote 'being annoying' and 'insufferable' and 'not knowing when to shut up' among other things, including 'the law is what I say it is, sod off. Who needs you?'  Her Esteemed Greatness has seen fit, however to command that I continue to use my title 'Olfred the Officious' in my exile."

"Well that was... uh... really more than I needed to know."

"While I am most certainly *not* an adventurer by any means I was hoping my keen powers of observation might be of service.  I have been staring at your notice for some time and I happened to notice that in your call for adventurers you used the word 'slayed' as a past participle when its use is strictly limited to the simple past tense with the preferred past participle being 'slain' in most contexts. I also noticed that your handwriting tends to tilt somewhat making your t's and f's lean a good 15 degrees more than they should as per Callisto's Rules of Calligraphy established in the year 719.  If you like, I could oversee any future postings you might make with the help of--"

Someone jostled Olfred enough to force him to bite his tongue.  Olfred winced in pain but everyone else seemed audibly relieved he had stopped speaking.

The bartender looked at Olfred in confusion. "Are you trying to say you want to join are party?"

Olfred's eyes widened in horror.  "Most certainly not!  In fact, had I been able to continue I had wanted to point out that as of Executive Order 1532.7.18-74A vigilantism is explicitly forbidden.  Given that 1532.7.18-74B reads verbatim 'I'll draw and quarter whomever I like!' one might assume that there is a great likelihood that painful death is the punishment.  In fact, I can point out several legal precedents in which--"

Another patron patted Olfred on the back so forcefully it knocked the wind out of him once again.  How could this keep happening?

"He'd make excellent dragon-bait," someone murmured behind him.

"He could even annoy the dragon to death!" said someone else.

"I really am quite busy. Drinking milk... and volunteer proofreading..."

"That's... not milk."

"Wait, what?"

"Listen, you're essentially broke and without any life's purpose, correct?"

Olfred's eyes narrowed but he didn't deny the assertion.

The bartender continued, "You have... pretty much no useful skills, but your previous work involved writing everything that happened down, correct?"

"I wouldn't say my legal expertise is without use! In fact--"

"Plus, you like to talk! You don't like adventuring... but have you considered the work of a bard?"

Olfred didn't know what to say. His mother *had* told him he had an excellent voice when he was five and those days he had also loved playing the recorder until his irritated father snapped it in half, but more importantly his keen powers of observation could be used to document the histories of adventurers! No more obtuse flowery prose, but clear, concise details that historians of the future would be infinitely grateful for.  He would of course have his own theories to advance in the text but...

"Yes," Olfred said, surprising himself.  "Why yes that could be just what I need!"

"Dragonbait," someone whispered behind him, but Olfred tried to pay him no mind.
« Last Edit: August 21, 2018, 08:36:33 AM by J.R. Darewood »

Offline ArcaneArtsVelho

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Re: Welcome to the RPG 2018
« Reply #8 on: August 21, 2018, 12:11:07 PM »
In one dark corner of the establishment, a door, quite unlike the one the others had used, opened and a man dressed in dark crimson robes appeared through its mirage like haze.

He calmly removed his hood, exposing a bald, tattooed head. The tired eyes of his young face gazed around the pub, finally honing in on the group by the bar.

"Ah... It's good to see some old faces. And new ones," he muttered to himself, as he often did. "Though they are not as old as I. Or rather, not as young yet lived as long, I suppose." He twirled his trusty cane in his wiry hand, tracing the engraved text 'A.R. Cane' with his thumb. "But alas, 'tis not my time to interfere. Not my adventure. No... not yet. But may Velma, the Virgin Velociraptor, bless their journey. Perhaps I shall join them once I have done my duty to the Virgin Goddess. Perhaps I shan't."

"What the hell are you blabbering about?" a drunkard next to him asked, arising from his drunken slumber. (There were quite a few passed out people decorating the inn already: It was, after all, nearly... noon.)

A.R. turned around, his eyes wide. "Wait what? You can hear me?"

"Of course I can hear you, you daft baldie in your lady dress."

"You can see me?!"

"Well I got one good eye, don't I," the man said, pulling out his other eye, which he subsequently fumbled in his ale tankard.

"Oh my," A.R. said, and his robes changed their colour to Blushed Pink. As sneakily as he could, A.R. darted out the door; a door quite like the one the others had used.

Scarlet thought she had heard the tiniest rustle of familiar robes, and a whiff of cat's scent wandered into her nostrils. She walked to the door and peered out. "A.R.?" she asked tentatively.

But the priest was gone.

From high above, carried by the lift of his trusty cane spinning wildly, A.R. looked down at Scarlet, who shrugged and walked back in. "That was close," the priest muttered and then sighed. His robes settled to the colour Relieved Blue. "I got to stop buying discount spells from the gnomes. Not only are they weird, but I'm starting to think they are purposefully swindling me. Well, the gnomes have to wait: the testicle raccoon infestation won't take care of itself."

« Last Edit: August 21, 2018, 12:18:53 PM by ArcaneArtsVelho »
Everything I wrote above is pure conjecture. I don't know what I'm talking about.

I'm a perfectionist but not very good at anything. That's why I rarely finish things.

Offline Nighteyes

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Re: Welcome to the RPG 2018
« Reply #9 on: August 21, 2018, 01:44:02 PM »
https://1drv.ms/u/s!AiZQDuTmUfmXhb8MGrN_lcgyBTD8uQ

"Sorry," the barman drawls.  "Can't get this here map to show up on the page, so you'll have to follow this 'ere link.  Now if one of you wizards can fix this for me, it would be much appreciated."
The rest of the group looks confused.  Except Scarlet. Who somehow might be thinking how to fix it for the poor barman. 
"Kingdom of Woe?!" Olfred queries.  "You sure know how to name things around here.  And was this map drawn by a 8 years old child?"
"Ummm...sure... Yes my not made up son drew this" the barman replies.  "So quite an easy mission really.You need to cross the kingdom, and climb Mount Catastrophe and kill the dragon.  Any treasure you find you can keep for yourselves."
« Last Edit: August 21, 2018, 02:15:14 PM by Nighteyes »
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Offline ScarletBea

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Re: Welcome to the RPG 2018
« Reply #10 on: August 21, 2018, 02:37:43 PM »
Scarlet rummaged in one of her inner pockets and took out the map "Here you go :)"

« Last Edit: August 21, 2018, 03:07:37 PM by ScarletBea »
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Offline Henry Dale

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Re: Welcome to the RPG 2018
« Reply #11 on: August 21, 2018, 03:54:14 PM »
Henry peered at the map, curious as ever.
'I think we oughta check out the beach bar at port Quinta de la rosa, guys. That coconut with an umbrella looks tempting.'
The bartender sighed. 'That's supposed to be a ship.'

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Re: Welcome to the RPG 2018
« Reply #12 on: August 21, 2018, 05:03:05 PM »
The bartender decides the "heroes" need some guidance.
"Right.  You have three choices really. first, go south, cross the uncrossable desert..."
"Eh?" Henry splutters into his appletini.
"Quite," said Scarlet. "How are we supposed to cross an uncrossable desert?"
"Well it's not uncrossable just very difficult to cross," the bartender explains.
"Well then it should be called the Very Difficult to Cross Desert," Henry interposes. 
The bartender sighs and takes out his quill and makes a correction to his map. 
"After that it is the forest of killer sloths," the bartender continues.
"How does a sloth kill you?" Olfred asks.
"Very slowly," the bartender answers.
The entire group shudders.  After allowing a moment to pass, the bartender carries on. "Then it is the swampof misery."
How miserable?" Henry dares to ask. 
"Birmingham miserable."
The group shudders again. 
"Tell you what this Port Quinta de la Rosa is sounding more and more appeaing," Harry pipes up.
"But to cross a lake called The Lake of Death, which is populated by Megalodons, you need to hire a ship and a rather reckless Captain with a death wish. And that's going to cost you."
"How about we cross via the North side of the lake?" Scarlet asks. 
"Well first you will need to go past the Castle of May,and you it might be best not to attract attention from the despot and her knights.  And then a walk through the Deadly Grasslands is not exactly a walk in the park."
"Why not?" asks Olfred. 
"Well for a start it's not a park, and two there are the unicorns."
"Unicorns!" Scarlet sniggers.
But the rest of the group don't join her in her sniggers.  In fact Henry looks about ready to barf.
 
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Offline J.R. Darewood

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Re: Welcome to the RPG 2018
« Reply #13 on: August 22, 2018, 01:21:39 AM »


As the others crowded around the map, Olfred the Officious adjusted his long-range bifocals so he could see while pushed off to the side. "Not that I would ever consider going on such a dangerous journey, but if I might offer some assistance... the map while, excellent is not drawn to scale.  In fact, the Swamp of Misery should be three micrometers more expansive to the west, while the Deadly Grasslands, known as Australia by it's indigenous inhabitants and India by the Spanish, should be 1.43 micrometers to the east of it's current location, and despite the depictions here only 32.5% of the trees in the Kingdom of Woe are actually pine trees, with a fair amount of deciduous--" Olfred, catching a scowl from the fierce hunter Maxim, decided to get to his point a bit more quickly than usual, "--aahhh, er, beyond these inaccuracies, I thought I might be able to aid you with historical precedent."

After an awkward silence, the bartender said, "Go on."

"Well, court records indicate that the Donner Party was able to circumvent the Uncrossable Desert by traveling along the southern coast of the Lake of Death."

"So they arrived without problems?" asked Scarlet.

"Ah, no, um they got lost in the Swamp of Misery and ate each other.  However, every three years the cruise ship Titania traverses the Lake Death, without incident.  They've found a simple solution, hurling small indigent children a safe distance from the boat using catapults which keeps the Megalodon, which they have affectionately nicknamed 'CGI-Jaws', a safe distance at all times.  The ticket price is prohibitively high, however, and requires that each passenger bring at least 3 children."

Scarlet looked at the ex-Courtmaster in horror.

"Oh, don't worry they have far more children on hand than 3 per passenger. The Orange Amir of Kuh usually supplies hundreds from his prison camps."

"I'm really not comfortable throwing small children off of a boat," Scarlet said disapprovingly.

"Oh of course not, that would be far too expensive! Moreover, cats fly much farther than children."

"Cats?" It was Henry the Jack's turn to frown.

"Yes, I thought I recognized you as the infamous Henry the Jack, Grand Proprietor of the Floating Cat Sanctuary, known elsewhere as the 'Mewling Airborne Litterbox of Horror' or as Theresa of the May calls it, 'that smelly flying scratching post'. Surely you could supply us with plenty of unwanted cats to take care of... quickly, and humanely... while completing the circle of life. All we'd need to do is charter a small boat and a catapult."

Henry looked at Olfred in horror, opening his mouth to offer some choice words, when Maxim intervened: "If Henry has an airship... why don't we just take that?"
« Last Edit: August 22, 2018, 01:34:06 AM by J.R. Darewood »

Offline Henry Dale

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Re: Welcome to the RPG 2018
« Reply #14 on: August 22, 2018, 07:31:31 AM »
Henry the Jack scratched his hair.
'Ahh, there may be a little problem with that. Just a minor trifle really. At this very moment I have some tax employees trying to repossess the Kitty Yay mark II to pay my debts to the government. My friends, Conan and V are trying to hide most of my assets at this very moment. I'm not certain how successful they were however. If they were, I reckon the ship is now in Kooranga Kove, where the people walk upside down and have red hair.' He made a little drawing of a strange elongated rabbit in the southwest corner of the lake.

If Olfred could frown any deeper his eyebrows would have vanished into the floor. Such was the look of disapproval on the man's face. Clearly he believed Henry should simply turn himself in to the authorities and be done with it. Henry did not seem to do anything of the sort though. He was trying to get the attention of the bartender to order another drink.
« Last Edit: August 22, 2018, 07:39:50 AM by Henry Dale »