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Author Topic: RPG 2015: Chill's Recruiting Thread  (Read 14504 times)

Offline wakarimasen

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Re: RPG 2015: Chill's Recruiting Thread
« Reply #15 on: May 26, 2015, 02:16:00 PM »
The rotten timbers of the church door swung on their rusted hinges with a growl that should have come from the back of an old man's throat. The phlegm it spat from the entrance was a gangly, wild eyed man.

"Behold! I am come!"

Bangles clanged on bare arms as the emaciated figure waved their arms. He stepped into the church, his paint daubed face becoming clear, his mad expression clearer.

"A line I've used on more 'n one doxy me'self!" yelled back the Captain. "Who the blazes are you, ya cracked timber?"

Unabashed the man strode forward, slapping at the goat tattoo on his chest. An inverted pentagram netted the creature to his nipples, ribs and belly.

"I am Waka. Shaman of the order of chupacubra. Weilder of the pumpstaff. My smell is legend."

Scarlet sniffed the air experimentally but could only detect a faint whiff of caramel.

"How nice for you." She humoured the old loon. "Is there something you were after?"

The half naked shaman threw himself at her feet, raising eyebrows from all around.

"I have come to bring holy war on the cursed god. The goat one. The smell changer. The eater of ladies undergarments from washing lines. He who makes passable cheese. I beseech you, let me join your forces so that I may bring the path of unnibbled underwear to the unholy lands under the undoing of that unglorious caprine hellspawn."

Scarlet looked at the Captain who span a finger at his temple and shrugged.

"Well. It's a while since I've been beseeched. Let me think."

Offline Doctor_Chill

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Re: RPG 2015: Chill's Recruiting Thread
« Reply #16 on: May 26, 2015, 04:14:16 PM »
Scarlet stared at the newfound revelry with a look of utter disgust on her face. Doc had refused to budge, and the rest had refused to acknowledge their strange, erotic companion. "Oh for fluff's sake." She whapped the Doctor upside the head.

He reeled and said, "What was that about?" He glanced back at Charlemagne. "Ah, those hips. Gets me every time."

"You like un hips and ze gyrating? You do. All of zem love mine hips and thighs. Ze cannot resist ze un temptation, especially of ze past."

Scarlet pinched the bridge of her nose. "That's definitely Cthulhu. French is getting worse by the second." His hips wouldn't stop spinning, now like he was holding up a few hoola-hoops.

Cap turned to the finally awoken Doc and asked, "You mind doin' me a favor and pullin' that lectern of mine?"

"No amount of money in the world would make me pull your lectern."

Pirate slapped him across the arm. "Not that lectern you daft dinghy!" He pointed to the roof. "THAT one."

"Oh. Yeah, get right on it." He bearhugged the mast that he had once thought was a pillar and set to climbing. Left the crazies down there with the overcooked bread, if you catch my drift.

They shouted below. Shouted a good bit; jumbled garbage, Doc pushed out of his head, focusing on the task at hand. Been a good while since he climbed a mast, and never one backwards. But he guessed it was the same way. Hopefully.

Wasn't much to it when he reached the top, aside from going ten feet to the lectern with nothing to walk on, no sir. Doc sighed and yelled down, "Can I shoot it?"

"Hell no you can't shoot me baby!"

Well, that was out of the question. "Anybody got some rope? I might not've thought this one through."

Scarlet rolled her eyes. She was getting good at this. Stereotypical, even. "Men," she grumbled under her breath and went to the broom closet. The other closet right across from the communion. Where that priest had been hiding.

"You got a rope back there, preacher?" Doc called back. His biceps were hurting. Getting too old for this.

"I'm a priest, but yeah. Up on the third shelf to the left."
“It’s a dangerous thing, pretense. A man ought to know who he is, even if he isn’t proud to be it.” - Tomorrow the Killing, Daniel Polansky

Offline ArcaneArtsVelho

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Re: RPG 2015: Chill's Recruiting Thread
« Reply #17 on: May 26, 2015, 05:31:30 PM »
Scarlet was trying to throw a rope she had found to Doc, the Captain was still drinking, Waka was singing an anti-goat song cleverly titled as Waka Waka, and Charlemagne's hips did not lie. But A.R. was deep in his thoughts. He remembered the pirate and his ship but only barely. There was a haze in his mind. He had no clear recollections of the building of the church or the time before it.

Has it really been only three months? Feels like ages to me.

The priest snapped out of his thoughts as Doc slid down the mast after a failed attempt to lasso the lectern. A.R. raised his walking cane over his head and started to spin it rapidly. The cane hummed and lifted the priest gently off the floor and up towards the roof.

"Mind if I help?" A.R. asked and pulled the lectern without waiting for an answer. Then he got quickly down, grabbed the statue of Velma the Virgin Velociraptor, and ran out of the church as it began to transform.
« Last Edit: May 26, 2015, 05:42:24 PM by ArcaneArtsVelho »
Everything I wrote above is pure conjecture. I don't know what I'm talking about.

I'm a perfectionist but not very good at anything. That's why I rarely finish things.

Offline wakarimasen

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Re: RPG 2015: Chill's Recruiting Thread
« Reply #18 on: May 26, 2015, 06:35:39 PM »
Dust shook from the walls as the church shuddered. Shafts of violet light, made solid by the clouds, played across the unsteady figures beneath the upturned boat.

"It is the turning!" Waka leapt to his feet. Running to grab the captain by his frilly lapels. "The great turning has come, as foretold in the mushrooms of myzanteen! We must dance."

The pirate resisted his tugging, joyfully screaming instead. "Ah - ha!  She Lives!"

The Shamen jumped back waving his hands in the air, as if he did not care. As he cavorted by Scarlet he jumped into the air, rising higher than her head. Then stopped.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?" She demanded. "Nobody said you could piss about with gravity."

"Wakawakkariwakwakwakaweeeeee." Was the gesticulating tribesman's only reply as the whole building suddenly shifted about its axis, throwing everyone but himself tumbling into walls now made floor, then floor made from roof. Above, the violet light grew brighter, devouring the stone of the church. There was sucking noise, a catching like the breath of a man struck in the stomach. Then the stone exploded outward in dazzling light.

When their sight returned, the dazed crew members looked over the gunwales of the ship to find themselves encased to the portholes in sand and dust.

"Ar." The Captain dismayed. "She's a fine vessel, but given we're not at sea she's about as much use as a one legged man in an arse kicking competition."

Waka dropped to the floor and began to flap his hands at an unseen assailant and twitching. Eventually he stopped, sank on to his haunches and pulled some dried mushrooms from a pouch. He curled over them possessively and began to nibble.

Offline Doctor_Chill

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Re: RPG 2015: Chill's Recruiting Thread
« Reply #19 on: May 26, 2015, 07:30:01 PM »
Bob had done many bad things in his life. Stolen cookies from the cookie monster. Played with the chickens when his mother told him not to. Shot ole Miss Juniper, but then, she was a mean old woman. Missing an eye only helped her complexion.

Running from home nestled deep in the rolling hills of Gnomia had been nothing. Plying his trade as a toymaker in the streets of Fantasia even less harder. But blowing up an orphanage? That had taken talent; talent that had left him with two missing fingers and a knot in his stomach.

The gnome wanted to make amends. Wanted to prove he could make a toy that wouldn't mess up. Would make his Momma proud. Make everyone happy.

And what better machine than the great city he lived in? Why, by the letter scrawled on the Bunking Bronco's back door, he might not be creating something magnificent, but saving it was just as sweet. Sweet as those Macadamia Nut Cookies he found in the trash ages back.

So he rolled in on his unicycle, contraption built by himself over days and taking even longer to learn how to ride, but the church was nowhere to be found. Yes, there was a graveyard by the side, a hanging tree for infidels, and a statue of the Virgin Velociraptor, but nothing else. Just a ship sunken in the ground, and a few people by the rocks.

Bob decided to approach. Stepped over the loon curled up in the tall grass chewing on mushrooms. Moved past the stinking pirate singing tunes to his vessel. Looked away from the trenchcoat man and the woman in red beside him. Went to the priest garbed in white instead.

"I'm looking for," he pulled out the note from his pocket and squinted, "Bee?"

Doc glanced at Scarlet, eyebrows furrowed. "That your stage name?"

"Shush you. Yes, that's me." She waved the gnome over, and he carried his unicycle under one arm. "Pleasure to meet you good sir. I'm Scarlet, by the way. Bea's my alias. For when I'm working."

Cap started, "Working the-"

"Kettles, my friend. Now quiet. I think I finally found my operative."

Bob cocked his head. "Operative? No ma'am. Just saw your sign out by the tavern. Decided I wanted to come help. Not a fan of this Atku. Priest called me a short man after the accident. No offense," he turned to AR.

"None taken," he mumbled as he looked over Waka.

"You got any weapons?" Doc asked, scanning the man over.

"Nothing but my hands and my trusty unicycle. Got some tools in my backpack, but, well..."

Doc shook his head. "Don't worry. Long as you can build something to get this ship down to the coast, I think you'll do just fine."

Bob nodded as Cap slung an arm around his shoulder. "Yeah, he'll get right on it."
“It’s a dangerous thing, pretense. A man ought to know who he is, even if he isn’t proud to be it.” - Tomorrow the Killing, Daniel Polansky

Offline ScarletBea

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Re: RPG 2015: Chill's Recruiting Thread
« Reply #20 on: May 26, 2015, 08:55:29 PM »
Scarlet looked at this Bob.
He would have to be watched carefully, if he knew her name from... no, she had promised herself not to dwell in the past anymore. Those days were long gone. Days when she had followed the goat into the fairground, and wasted her talents tricking people, forgetting her true self.
She had promised herself revenge, and this mad bunch of people, plus ship, were the best way she could have found.
« Last Edit: May 26, 2015, 08:57:42 PM by ScarletBea »
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Re: RPG 2015: Chill's Recruiting Thread
« Reply #21 on: May 27, 2015, 12:08:00 AM »
"Well goodtiming Bob," laughed the captain. "It's gnomes which got my beauty up here and gnomes which will get us back to the shore."
Bob sighed and then put his fingers to his mouth and whistled.  Within minutes gnomes appeared behind every tombstone and then industrially set to work putting ramps down and a various busybody activities involved in pushing a ship down to the nearby fishing village of Mousehole.
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Offline Eclipse

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Re: RPG 2015: Chill's Recruiting Thread
« Reply #22 on: May 27, 2015, 06:51:03 AM »
Bob army of robotic army of 10 gnomes got to the task at hand and there even managed to finish it but then there started to malfunction and started moondancing before catching fire

Bob raced over with spanner and started hitting his gnomish robotic army with a spanner shouting "damn you can't you ******* work properly for a change"

Maybe if he made them toy size there might work better he thought to himself
« Last Edit: May 27, 2015, 06:52:48 AM by Eclipse »
According to some,* heroic deaths are admirable things

* Generally those who don't have to do it.Politicians and writers spring to mind

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Offline Doctor_Chill

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Re: RPG 2015: Chill's Recruiting Thread
« Reply #23 on: May 27, 2015, 06:53:04 AM »
Some industrious gnomes set to work during the fire, about three trying to put the finishing touhes on the ramp, plowing their trade like beavers building a dam. Bout as much woodchips, too. Work was buzzing in the air alongside smoke, and AR's peace gone most of all. Not like the quiet of the church hall. He went over to the three watching the spectacle, Doc, Scarlet, and the Hound (?), and asked, "You sure we want to take this Waka with us?" Wasn't going to talk about Bob. They all turned their heads to see him shaking around in the grass like a dog, whoopin' and hollerin' to the clouds.

"Don't see anything wrong with it," Cap said. "Best way to get rid o' fleas, I've learned."

"I'd rather not know," Scarlet mumbled.

Doc answered for him. "I think it was his 'running with the wolf pups,' as he put it. Think that meant he traveled with Vikings."

"Nords," Cap chastised. "Never call a Nord a Viking. They don't like their cousins, not one bit."

"How can you tell the difference?"

Cap scratched his head. Picked his nose. Pointed at the bay and the fishing village of Mousehole by extension. "Dunno. But speaking of Nords," he flung a glob at the grass, "I think that's one o' their longships. Always wanted to steer me a longship. And Seven Hells, the masts on that thing. You think-"

"No. No we cannot." Scarlet stamped her foot for emphasis and crossed her arms.

"Well, I wonder if we can race 'em." He rubbed his beard. "Hurry up you gnomes. Ain't got all day! Sun's a wastin'! We got a race to win!"

Doc grinned and glanced at the wizard. "Perhaps we can ask them how their King is doing?"... "As we beat their asses to the shore."
“It’s a dangerous thing, pretense. A man ought to know who he is, even if he isn’t proud to be it.” - Tomorrow the Killing, Daniel Polansky

Offline ArcaneArtsVelho

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Re: RPG 2015: Chill's Recruiting Thread
« Reply #24 on: May 27, 2015, 09:39:24 AM »
A.R.'s colour-changing, mood-indicating robes were now all black, imparting his shattered peace amidst the chaos. And the new color of his attire did not make him feel any better. "My God it's hot in here", he said, looking at the sun that was shining through parting rain clouds.

"Aye! But at least it's moist heat", Cap said. He could have told a story of the time when he sailed the Sand Desert of Dirtia down south, but it was better left to another time as there were more pressing matters at hand: The ramp was in flames and so was part of the fishing village down the hill. Cap climbed up to the deck of the Schmoking Dutchman and took the helm. "Okay you landlubbers," he shouted to the others, "shove my girl in the arse! I mean, the stern."

The others down on the ground, apart from the shroom eating shaman, moved to the back of the ship, hesitating a bit, uncertain of the forethought of the command. But as the captain was very adamant about his plan, they had no choice but to give the ship a decisive nudge.

"Yeehaw! I mean, Arrr!" The captain was ecstatic as his vessel slowly but surely started its accelerating descent along the flaming ramp. "Now grab the ropes to slow it down!"

Doc looked around, puzzled. "What ropes?"

Cap let out a whining "Arrr" before he started to scream in panic. The ship was sliding swiftly straight through the Mousehole and towards the broadside of the Vik... Nord longship.
Everything I wrote above is pure conjecture. I don't know what I'm talking about.

I'm a perfectionist but not very good at anything. That's why I rarely finish things.

Offline ScarletBea

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Re: RPG 2015: Chill's Recruiting Thread
« Reply #25 on: May 27, 2015, 10:59:44 AM »
Scarlet quickly opened her blue book, waved her hands in the air, and their ship stopped 1 inch from the Vik... Nord one.

A lonely flame jumped to it, quickly extinguished by a blonde-braided man almost 7 feet tall, looking at the Pirate with a less than friendly face.

'Arrr', whined the Cap, looking at the others who had moved right to the back of their ship.

Scarlet had her arms firmly crossed and her lips were making a thin line.
Doc had no such scrupples and was laughing from his distance, while A.R.'s robes were flaming red while he ran to the prow to calm all ruffled feathers. It seems his diplomatic skills would be needed sooner than he expected.
« Last Edit: May 27, 2015, 11:02:04 AM by ScarletBea »
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Offline ArcaneArtsVelho

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Re: RPG 2015: Chill's Recruiting Thread
« Reply #26 on: May 27, 2015, 03:03:35 PM »
A.R. cleared his throat. "Hello, my Viking friends!"

Oh shit! I said the V word.

The priest turned around, away from the gritted teeth and scowling looks of the Nords. "I think someone else should take care of this", he said. His robes were unsure of what colour to pick and changed from embarrassed red to slightly nauseated green to melancholic blue, finally settling haltingly to sad black.

Both Doc and Cap were ready to step up to try to soothe the insulted Nords, but before either of them could speak they heard a strange, undulating voice screaming from the hillside. Waka, who had been left behind, had come up with a fast method for descending the hill. He came down it, rolling and tumbling in a rather uncontrollable fashion, his bangles jingling. With a thud and crash he hit a side of a shack that stood on one of the village's wharfs. Amongst the rubble of broken boards, barrels, and fishing nets Waka exclaimed, "WakaWeeWow! These mushrooms are great! My head is spinning like never before."

Whether it was the comedic arrival of the shaman or the Nords' affinity to mushrooms, something made the previously stern men of the longship smile and chuckle.

A.R. took a long look at Waka, who made no attempt to free himself from the debris.

Maybe he's not COMPLETELY useless after all.


« Last Edit: May 27, 2015, 03:13:50 PM by ArcaneArtsVelho »
Everything I wrote above is pure conjecture. I don't know what I'm talking about.

I'm a perfectionist but not very good at anything. That's why I rarely finish things.

Offline Doctor_Chill

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Re: RPG 2015: Chill's Recruiting Thread
« Reply #27 on: May 27, 2015, 10:16:44 PM »
"Hear that Snorri? Captain was right. This beach does have the famed mushrooms of Vinersmjall." Giant known as Snorri lumbered up to the bow and peered at the shaman. Little man held graycaps in his hands like trophies from a champion poker game or something. Danced beside the Nord's crustacean monkey.

"Seems so, White Beard. Seems so." Snorri moved his eyes from the shore to the other boat in front of their's. "Praytell me, gentlemen, where can we find such, er, scrumptious morsels of fungi?" He coughed mighty hard and turned back to his mates. "Think they understood that?"

"Aye," White Beard nodded with a chuckle and slapped his knee. "You'll be speaking Continent talk like the bards soon enough."

But our Cap had a different idea. "You can find them up your arse, mateys! Mushy-rooms aren't for sale. Not unless-"

"We're not racing," Scarlet scolded.

"A race?" Snorri's face perked up since he had seen the shaman's treasure. "You pesky landlubbers want a race? For mushrooms? Why, I could beat you to Davy Jones' Locker and back before you lot had made it to the horizon."

Other Nord put a hand on the man's shoulder. "Not your call, Snorri," White Beard said. "We need Freya's approval."

Snorri slapped the hand away and grinned. "Captain'll be up for a race with these Continent folk, sure enough. Then we'll get our mushrooms I tell ya. Make the gods proud."

Doc turned to the rest of the group to see about their opinion, nevermind the shaman or the gnomes below or even the Hound who was already at his wheel. "Why, the Schmoking Dutchman can beat all o' you Vikings! Come on, crew. Out to starboard. Into the water we go!"
“It’s a dangerous thing, pretense. A man ought to know who he is, even if he isn’t proud to be it.” - Tomorrow the Killing, Daniel Polansky

Offline Nighteyes

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Re: RPG 2015: Chill's Recruiting Thread
« Reply #28 on: May 28, 2015, 11:36:07 AM »
"Hang on Cap, don't we need a crew?" asked Scarlet.
"Look at the sides of the ship!" shouted the captain.
Rushing to the side, Scarlet saw a couple of dozen calamari headed men climbing up, grins on their face.
"That there is the villagers, the Calamari men.  Finest ship crew you'll ever find.  And best of all they only need to be paid in plankton!" the captain laughed.  "Here's their leader, Akbar, now. "  The captain gestured to a particularly intelligent looking calamari man. "Go fetch me racing trousers!"
"It's a trap!" the calamari man barked back, before racing down below deck. 
"Blessed Virgin Velma!" Scarlet whispered.  "You think of everything don't you captain.  I can see why your entry under the RPG's Who's Who reads 'the finest captain that ever sailed the seven seas", and why Jmack starts shaking and sucking his thumb every time your name is mentioned."
"Well next time you are visiting Jmack and crew, can you give them a little present.  The captain pointed to a small wicker basket, where the sounds of squwaking could be heard. "As you set it free, just whisper 'But this was no ordinary chicken. This chicken was evil manifest.'  Now where is Doc? I need him to climb the mast and keep watch for me."
"Last I saw him Cap't, he was following that Frenchman below decks," called back A.R.
"Velma the thundering Virgin Velociraptor!  Why did you let him following those hips?" cursed the Captain. 

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Offline wakarimasen

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Re: RPG 2015: Chill's Recruiting Thread
« Reply #29 on: May 28, 2015, 01:28:37 PM »
Waka clambered aboard the ship with the Calamari men. Watching for signs of the goat. A weave of light and colour and been wrought by the holy mushrooms but he could see no ethereal horns or hooves on the crew. It was a good omen, he decided.

Dodging around several iridescent whirlwinds that were probably not real, he moved to the Captain's side.

"Beware the flame of Jupiter." He whispered to the happy pirate. "Mark not the passing of the wind, lest it brings fell wrath to your vessel. You must move with the tide if you are to finish the race without the smell of sulpher on all."
He nodded earnestly as the Captain cocked his eyebrow at him.

"Yeeeaah. Very handy. Thanks. Any other pearls o' wisdom?"

Waka's face screwed up in concentration, he had thought his revelations wisdom enough for any man but far be it for him to disappoint his new ally.

"I think the priest has nits?"

The Captain edged back nodding.

"So that's two of you I don't want to be standing next to then." He turned his attention back to his crew, scrambling to ready his pride and joy for the race.