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Messages - Slaykomimi

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31
[NOV 2018] Image Prompt: Ships / Re: [Nov 2018] - Ships - Submission Thread
« on: November 19, 2018, 05:01:19 PM »
Story is based on image number 3.
Title: Exchange

Spoiler for Hiden:
Richard walks next to the captain, shivering in his jacket, surrounded by fog and damp air. The moon illuminates the predawn sky. “It surely is creepy here captain.”

“Silence, you are just too young to enjoy the solitude of the cold winter sea” captain Maverick replies, sipping on his old pipe.

They both stare in silence at the ocean till Maverick interrupts “there they are”. His voice raises “all men, we can see our target”.

The ship steers a little and the gigantic ship in the distance is preparing too. Both ships get closer to each other. The ship of Maverick looks like an olive dropped next to a lighthouse even though it is large enough to sail a crew of 100 men over every ocean. But the royal ship of the Singrad kingdom could easily overshadow every port town in the whole world. Maverick steers next to the ship, looking like a flea sticking to an elephant. The bridges go down and a shiver runs down Mavericks spine as he sees the king of Singrad himself awaiting him.

“Your highness, I didn´t expect to… I mean if I would´ve known that you are on board I would´ve-“

“Silence, no need to be so humble, let´s start with it, the most exciting day of my life. Are all preparations done?”

“Yes my Lord, everything is done correctly, everything is safe”

Maverick extinguishes his pipe and drops it in his jackets pocket. He yells to the crowd “get it here and pass it over”.

Everyone keeps waiting, sweat running down their heads in thick beads. Only the king remains calm in his chair
After a short while, which felt like an eternity for captain Maverick and his crowd, 2 strong men equipped with drawn short swords company a tall woman to the bridge. She is taller than any of the man on the ship, not even the strongest souldier reaches her flat chest. Her head hangs down while her long black hair flows in the cold air. Everyone is afraid to cross the gaze of her blue eyes. The guards point to the bridge with their free hands while pointing the swords on her. The shackles on her arms and legs crackle with her every step, arms behind her back and chained twice on her legs. Both arms are branded with runes and seals to suppress the use of magic. Every step feels like hell for the crew, even after she left the ship and stood in front of the king. The sound of the chains stops and all eyes are pointing to the king.

“Now my dear, if you beg for forgiveness now I may reduce your punishment to lifelong imprisonment, do you accept?”

Without looking upwards a harsh clear voice emerges “I will cut your throat open and shi-“

“Show some respect to his majesty!” one of the royal guards yell while kicking her in the back of her lower leg.

The king rises from his seat, his arm raised to signal silence and announces “Rea, for your crimes against our kingdom I sentence you to death, you will be executed the day we arrive in the capital of the Singrad kingdom. Take her away”

“Wait, my Lord, we still have an item we secured from that woman that we want to get rid off, if you please”

The king turns his eyes back to the captain with a confused smile and asks “what is it, captain Maverick?”

Four huge man, packed with muscles carry a wooden box to the bridge and lay it down. All of them nearly collapse, sitting on the floor of the ship, faces red with sweat running down from exhaustion. Two royal guards approach the box and open it, thick purple fog emerges from it, blocking the vision till the cold ocean wind blows the smoke away. Even the king is in total shock, the box contains a long black undecorated sword in a simple black scabbard with crimson red runes on it.

The king moves his gaze to Rea again and yells “The unholy sword, ‘Sarduks nail’, you monster, how dare you to use this for your fanatic warfare?”

But Rea remains silent, she walks her way to her prison cell without a word, leaving the king speechless.

One of the guards whispers to the king “my lord, what to do with that… thing?”

“We will take it” the king replies “but lock it well, I don´t want anyone to touch it”

The royal ship crew needed 8 man in total to carry the box into the darkest chamber of the ship, leaving them total exhausted.

“Captain Maverick, I am deeply indepted to you, please allow me to express my thanks with this, it wont be enough, it will never be enough, please accept it” the king says while bowing in before the captain.

The captain is astonished from the gift of the king, 2 huge chests filled with gold and jewels, but what amazes him more is the bowing of the king. Both ships give their farewell and the small ship of Maverick sails away.

“Is it right to leave it with her, captain?”

“It is what he wanted, may the gods protect him” he replies, grabbing in his pocket and lighting his pipe again. His head turns down “but I am still worried, no one knows what this woman could do, maybe we should´ve at least thrown this cursed blade down to the bottom of the ocean”

-

Rea sits in her cell, laying in chains. Multiple chains of hardened iron are wrapped all around her, leaving only her lower arms free so she could eat. Remaining all the time in her cell, only seeing sunlight when she gets her food, never saying a word. No one even dares to look at her because everyone is afraid.

After days of sailing in a silent night, the door to the kings room opens. The king feels someone sitting down at the edge of his bed and wakes up. His heart rate skyrockets when he sees the eyes, the same eyes as 10 years ago. His eyes grow large and his sweat can´t stop, trying to crawl in a corner but the fear is freezing his body.

“How did you get here you demon?!?” the king shouts puzzled.

After further investigation, he realizes her blood and wound covered arms. The wounds are still fresh and the blood runs down, staining the satin sheets on the bed.

Without raising her head, Rea talks in a calm and controled voice “I did all I could to save you, but you just refused to listen, I am sorry. It was fun working for you and I hope to see Singrad again one day, but it wont be soon”. She stands up and draws her sword.

“IMPOSSIBLE! How can you wield this… this THING with just one hand?” The king screams, face turning red, despair turning to anger. He jumps to his feet and grabs his sword. With all his might he rushes toward her but his swing is like the one of an amateur and easily blocked by hand. Without further lecturing, she stabs her sword through his chest and immideatly pulling it out. The king breaks down without a sound.

She turns around and sheathes her sword back, carrying it at her waist like anyone else. Without looking back she walks out of the kings chamber and continues in her takeover.


32
[NOV 2018] Image Prompt: Ships / Re: [Nov 2018] - Ships - Discussion Thread
« on: November 12, 2018, 05:03:17 PM »
I have a question, does the scene need to be exactly like on the pictures shown or can we make changes? like the daytime, buildup of the ships, weather, etc.

I know in some cases one of the count up details is the whole point of the picture but lets say, can picture 3 be in the night or picture 2 on a les tropical island, etc.

33
@The Gem Cutter that´s very sad to hear.

We all need to carry our weight alone, we can seek the advice or sympathy of others, but in the end we need to solve our problems ourself.
It´s good to hear that you work on it and try to make the best out of it, even if it´s hard.
Good luck on your path, may it lead to peace and happiness.

34
This is hard stuff, I hope and pray for him and your family to be well.

35
[SEP 2018] Meetings / Re: [Sep 2018] - Meetings - Critique Thread
« on: November 04, 2018, 10:45:18 PM »
I want critique please, I know the meetings entry of me was rushed out but I still need to get critiqued to develop my skills.

Here are my thoughts on your story @Slaykomimi. This is the first time I'm doing a critique; I apologize in advance if some of my comments are presented in a way that goes against the guidelines.
I hope at least some of my feedback will be useful to you.

Grammar, spelling, punctuation

One of the things that bothered me the most is the disrespect of some grammar and punctuation rules.
Taken separately, most errors don't get in the way of understanding the meaning; but overall they gave me the impression that the writing was rushed (as you yourself confirmed) and they drew me out of the story.

Some examples below.
  • Switching between past and present tense:
    "Markus replied and started [...]" (§1) versus "They climb through the hatch and arrive [...]" (§2)
    Sometimes in the same sentence: "They end up in a small circle room made of Stone with a metal ladder inside, „please follow me up to the dome“ the man said."
  • Spelling:
    "allready" (§1) --> "already"
    "glas" (§2) --> "glass"
    "forniture" (§2) --> "furniture"
  • Sentence length:
    In some cases I found the sentences too long. I think that splitting them in multiple shorter sentences would make the text easier to read.
    Examples:
    "'Thank you for inviting me, I am allready excited' Markus replied and started by taking off his bag and lay it to the corner where the other bags were stored and started to follow the man through the narrow rooms stuffed with bookshelfs." (§1)
    "They climb through the hatch and arrive in a dome made mostly of glas, the night sky mostly illuminated the room, together with many different candles and fireflies, floating through the room."
  • Dialogue punctuation:
    For a single line with dialogue tag (attribution) following, a comma should follow the dialogue and come before the closing quotation mark.
    "'Thank you for inviting me, I am allready excited' Markus replied" (§1) --> "'Thank you for inviting me, I am allready excited,' Markus replied"
I make similar mistakes in first drafts. I find that proofreading my work (or asking someone else to proofread it) helps eradicate most of them.

Characters

The setting is described at length but I thought that there was too little about the characters. When Markus arrives and sees the others for the first time (the man who lets him in and then the other attendees), providing a physical description of the characters - even a brief one - would have helped me visualize each one of them and get a glimpse of who they are.

I liked how each participant had their own reason for being there, but I was disappointed the characters' motivations didn't play a more important role in the story.
Also, I would have found more effective for the motivation of at least some characters to be shown through their actions and reactions rather than having them state it right away.

Also, I didn't get enough conflict from the main character. Sure he's excited to be there, but what is at stake for him? Is he afraid of the others because he doesn't know what they are doing exactly at those meetings? Does he want to impress them so that he can join their ranks? Is he bothered that his experience is magic is no match to that of the others?

"The mages reach out for the little bowls in their middle" (§6)
The mages - who are they? Does that refer to all the other characters except for Markus? In any case it wasn't clear to me.

Plot

I liked how the first paragraph made me curious about the nature of the gathering. I also appreciated that the description of the setting hints at the identity of the attendees and the potential subject of the meeting.
This is reinforced in subsequent paragraphs, which reveal more information while preserving that sense of mystery.

Markus trying the pipe takes a large portion of the story. While I found it interesting and funny in its own right, I was disappointed that by the end I still didn't know what the gathering was really about.
In my opinion the pipe episode would make a fine introduction to the gathering, but using it as the sole focus of the story left me wanting more. I think it may have worked in a longer piece, but since this is a short story I would have focused on the meeting itself and tried to show conflict between the characters.

@ShadowKnight thank you very much for the critique. I felt very pressured by the word limit and probably came up with something that should be explained longer, especially since I put much thought into the construct and not in how to write it down. I do wanted to explain the characters and motivations much more, but it was rushed and I sadly had not much time the last weeks (and I hope some stress in my life will finally go away so I can focus more on my private life like reading and writing).

I also want to thank @Eclipse for pointing out that it´s hard to write on a non native language, which is no excuse since my writings in my native language is way worse in grammar and punctuation.

I want to thank You for your feedback and I am welcome to all constructive feedback in any form, no matter how negative it is. The main reason I joined this forum was writing, so I can develop this skill since I wrote no real text before. I know I will make many mistakes and that I have much to learn, but also that developing a skill requires much patience and practice. So I am glad for any feedback and wish for it at every text I post.

I just thought about asking for a recomendation to learn punctuation and grammar better, but than I would probably get standard school stuff  ;D
This is just something I need to learn in order to write better and someday finally write incredible stuff.

I also need to spend much more time and focus on editing, I totally overlooked the viewpoint of someone outside my mind who needs to learn about the characters and the plot by the text. Readers who won´t haveall the information that is stored inside my head.

Thanks for the feedback and I hope for more feedback on every text in the future  :D

36
[OCT 2018] Small Magics / Re: [Oct 2018] - Small Magics - Voting Thread
« on: November 03, 2018, 03:27:56 PM »
really great stories, the voting was hard as usual but I think I decided well after rereading all stories.

37
[SEP 2018] Meetings / Re: [Sep 2018] - Meetings - Critique Thread
« on: November 03, 2018, 01:04:57 PM »
I want critique please, I know the meetings entry of me was rushed out but I still need to get critiqued to develop my skills.

38
[SEP 2018] Meetings / Re: [Sep 2018] - Meetings - Voting Thread
« on: November 02, 2018, 06:15:07 PM »
congrats to @OnlyOneHighlander

when I read it I instantly knew I wil vote for it.

But also congratulations to @Alex Hormann  for his beautyful story, it really started to absorb me and was definetly my favorite among these stories and I hope to read more from you.

I want to also congratulate everyone else and also thank you for the wonderful stories, and also the voters (I can imagine why I got not a single vote).

üAnd now I need to get some inspiration for this months contest.

39
[NOV 2018] Image Prompt: Ships / Re: [Nov 2018] - Ships - Discussion Thread
« on: November 02, 2018, 06:33:20 AM »
they all look extremly interesting and I am sure I could work much faster on it but I broke my right hand and now doing stuff on a pc sucks

40
[NOV 2018] Image Prompt: Ships / Re: [Nov 2018] - Ships - Discussion Thread
« on: November 01, 2018, 12:50:01 PM »
Thats so´mething new to me, but I like the idea of getting visual inspiration.
Do we need to announce the photo we picked or should it make sense from the story itself? can we maybe even pick more than one?

41
The busy days are (hopefully) over, my trip in to Amsterdam is over and the next month is arround the corner. I can´t wait for it. I hope this month gets one or two entries more hopefully, it is always nice to read the submissions of the others.

42
I'm so tired

Feeling tired is always a bad symptom of our body, the best thing it could signal is the lack of sleep cause it´s the most easy to fix.
I hope you are fine soon and that the source of your tiredness is nothing serious.
I would recomend a good dose of sleep, some days of healthy food with many vitamines, especially D and taking some time to relax, like laying down and closing the eyes, listening some comfortable silent music and telling every muscle in your body to let go and relax, it can work wonders on stress and tiredness.

43
I really should take more time at editing and learn to edit well, I wrote it, read it again, edited some, couldnt find anything I would like to change. But this cant be true since I am not satisfied somehow, anyway I submited. next month I should have more time to invest into writing.

44
1022 Words long, warning, it could be too harsh for some people, please tell me if it is too much or let someone remove it since my activity here decreased heavily due to work.

Muis little prayer

Spoiler for Hiden:
It was a silent night at the fields of Goha as a small group of carriages rode on. They went through the night, lined up like ants on their march watched upon by the stars. No one dared to break the silence, not even the lively crickets who are comon at this time of the year. Inside the carriages everyone remained silent, even though they were awake and worried about their future.
Inside one of the carriages is a group of kids, none older than twelve. They sit around on hay to keep them warm with their legs chained to each other. The end of the chain was mounted to the roof so no one can run away. The kids all look depressed, knowing the fate they met, all of them were kidnapped and are now transported to a farm to work as slaves.
Among them is Mui, a little girl at the age of 7, her parents were killed in front of her eyes and she kept on weeping. The other kids kept on telling her to remain silent or else the adults will come and punish them. The only one kind to Mui is Rao, the oldest kid in the carriage. He told the other kids to repose as they don't know what she's been going through and they would surely act the same if they would share the same experience with her. And so, everyone remained silent, waiting for their destiny to arrive.
Many hours passed till they finally took a pause from traveling. The slave traders gave little bread and cheese to the kids and tell them how nicely they behave. Some of the kids started to smile after being praised and fed with cheese, some of them never had a slice of cheese in their entire lices. But Mui kept her sad face, tears never stopped rolling down her crestfallen cheeks. The campfire started to make crackling noises while everyone ate, pushing Mui to burst out a loud cry.This of course dissatisfied the slave traders and led them to punish the kids by beating them with long wooden sticks.
When they went back on their journey, everyone was mad at Mui, even Rao who used to protect her. She seeked for comfort in his arms but he pushed her into the dirty hay. Everyone glared at her and some of them even threatened her. Mui covered her mouth with her hands but her it sotears kept rolling down her cheeks.
Most of the kids finally felt asleep, but Mui kept awake, she couldn’t sleep due to her grief and fear. When the carriage went over a larger rock she hit her head and started to cry out loud again, waking the others up. They quickly pushed her to the floor and beat her up, one of the kids even showed her his pocket knife to scare her even more. What hurt her most was that Rao was the first one to hit her and also the one who hit her most. Hate filled the eyes of the kids as Mui´s tears wet the floor.
It was a long painful trip during that night. Besides the horrible pain that Mui felt from her loss and wounds, the most hurtful feeling was the hate of all the other kids. Her tears stopped and her face went to an blank expression. Her pure eyes filled only with agony and sadness are now empty.
In the early morning the carriages arrived at the cliffs of Mohi, besides its size it is known for the long bridge built by the ancient tribes who once populated the area. It is remarkably stable, made out of giant logs and many ropes, crossing the cliffs over a large distance, there were many researchers still puzzled about how they managed to build such a sturdy bridge that lasts hundreds of years.
The sun rised allready, showing all the carriages filled with many slaves that are about to be sold  and to be transported to far away lands. Many of them already accepted their fate and just waited for their life in slavery. As the sun started to wake up the people on the journey, the kids noticed that Mui´s face was dry and her gaze was barren. They had nothing left, so they started to mock her. Mui´s hair got pulled and she got pushed arround, thrown into the dirt and spit on. She kept laying in the dirt and the kids just smiled. Even Roa enjoyed the misery of the little girl.
While everyone cheered each other on how well they made fun of Mui, she suddenly started to get to her legs. She stood still with her head hanging down, facing the hay covered floor. Her Lips started to move but no one heard her silent words. With no hope and energy left, she dropped down to her knees, her arms hanging limp at her sides as her words continue. While repeating the same words, her head raised and looked up to the ceiling of the carriage. Both arms started to raise and her voice became louder and louder.
The driver of the carriage started to look back as he heard the chanting of the little girl. He was frozen by the shock, not able to move or warn the others as it became too late. Muis prayers to the dragon god were answered and she was granted with power. Although her frail weak body couldn’t handle more than casting a single spark, it was more than enough to set the hay afire and torch up the whole carriage in seconds.
A giant fire spread over the whole bridge, devouring all and everyone crossing it. Some were too slow and got caught off guard, others who saw the fire panicked and jumped down into a pit that seemed endless. The Work of hundreds of years ago was gone within minutes, and with it all the slave traders, the captured ones and of course Mui too. As soon as the fire started, it also ended, leaving nothing but a big gap between two giant cliffs.

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[SEP 2018] Meetings / Re: [Sep 2018] - Meetings - Voting Thread
« on: October 07, 2018, 11:37:23 AM »
really wonderful entries, it was very hard to vote but I think that I am not the only one who faced this hard decision.

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