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Author Topic: Working on my blurb  (Read 1173 times)

Online Eli_Freysson

Working on my blurb
« on: October 09, 2015, 07:48:12 PM »
The sequel to my first English-language ebook is ready. I just need a good blurb. And since I consider evaluating blurbs my personal kryptonite, I'm was hoping for a bit of help from the FF community.
Does this seem all right? I'll settle for all right, basically.

Quote
A year has passed since young Katja survived her first skirmish in the unending war for the fate of man kind. For a year Katja has honed her combat skills and mystical gifts, as her warrior nature grows restless at the lack of action.

Her enemies have not been idle, however. After a mysterious nighttime clash sets a terrible beast loose in the world of man, Katja and her mentor Serdra travel to investigate and destroy it, much to the former‘s delight.

Soon they are both stalking and being stalked by foes in the shadows of civilization and the wild alike. Caught between different factions of foes they seek the true point of the conflict they have walked into, only to realize it ties into something far older and more terrible than they could have imagined . . .

« Last Edit: October 09, 2015, 10:31:06 PM by Eli Freysson »
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Offline ScarletBea

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Re: Working on my blurb
« Reply #1 on: October 09, 2015, 09:51:56 PM »
Just a few changes/ideas:


A year has passed since young Katja survived her first skirmish in the unending war for the fate of man kind mankind. For a year Katja has honed her combat skills and mystical gifts, as but her warrior nature grows restless at the lack of action.

Her enemies have not been idle, however. After a mysterious nighttime clash sets a terrible beast loose in the world of man, Katja and her mentor Serdra travel to investigate and destroy it, much to the former‘s delight.

Soon they are both stalking and being stalked by shadowy foes in the shadows (too much reference to 'shadow' - something else? maybe "hidden foes in the shadows") of both civilization and the wild alike. Caught between different enemy factions of foes they seek the true point of the conflict they have walked into, only to realize it ties into something far older and more terrible than they could have imagined . . .


And I'm sure others can help more :)
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Online Eli_Freysson

Re: Working on my blurb
« Reply #2 on: October 09, 2015, 10:31:32 PM »
Ah. Didn't realize I used "shadow" twice in a row. Fixed it.
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Offline Lady Ty

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Re: Working on my blurb
« Reply #3 on: October 10, 2015, 01:44:18 AM »
Hi Eli, I have had The Call on my kindle for ages and better hurry up and read it now the second book is on the way.

"much to the former's delight" read awkwardly to me - may I suggest -


After a mysterious nighttime night-time clash sets a terrible beast loose in the world of man, Katja is delighted to set off with and her mentor Serdra travel to investigate and destroy it., much to the former‘s delight.

After a mysterious night-time clash sets a terrible beast loose, Katja is delighted to set off with her mentor Serdra to investigate and destroy it.

Q. Is she delighted or is she more excited? ie just very pleased or pumped up by the prospect of action?

Edit to cross out 'in the world of man' as ScarletBea suggested.
« Last Edit: October 10, 2015, 10:26:19 AM by Lady_Ty »
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Online Eli_Freysson

Re: Working on my blurb
« Reply #4 on: October 10, 2015, 01:30:23 PM »
I tried to start from scratch, taking a different approach. How does this look?

Quote
Young Katja has survived her first skirmish in the Silent War, finally getting to satisfy her inborn warrior nature. But now she has had a taste of adventure and grows restless for another one as her mentor Serdra continues her training in combat and their mystical gifts.

Katja‘s wish for further action is granted when a mysterious night-time clash sets a terrible demon loose in the world of mankind. Katja and her mentor travel to investigate and destroy the monster

Between stalking and being stalked by shadowy foes, Katja‘s ability to stand on her own is truly put to the test. So is her excitement, as the true point of the conflict they have walked into becomes clear. A truly terrible threat to the world lies at the centre of it, and Katja’s greatest battle yet awaits.
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Offline ScarletBea

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Re: Working on my blurb
« Reply #5 on: October 10, 2015, 01:46:26 PM »
^ I like that one :)
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Offline Rostum

Re: Working on my blurb
« Reply #6 on: October 10, 2015, 02:59:41 PM »
OK just my opinion, feel free to correct or contadict I know nothing about writing.

Young Katja has survived her first skirmish in the Silent War, finally getting to satisfy her inborn warrior nature. But now she has had a taste of adventure and grows restless for another one as her mentor Serdra continues her training in combat and their mystical gifts. How young? You can probably safely lose the young. It's a second book after all. Maybe lose the one from the second line and use the mystical arts rather than 'their mystical gifts'

Katja‘s wish for further action is granted when a mysterious night-time clash sets a terrible demon loose in the world of mankind. Katja and her mentor travel to investigate and destroy the monster
Agree about of mankind unless they are flitting worlds/dimensions every 5 minutes it adds nothing.Full stop/period after monster. Is demon too much of a reveal, Beast maybe? Wish is weak need/desire/determination maybe?

Between stalking and being stalked by shadowy foes, Katja‘s ability to stand on her own is truly put to the test. So is her excitement, as the true point of the conflict they have walked into becomes clear. A truly terrible threat to the world lies at the centre of it, and Katja’s greatest battle yet awaits.
'So is her excitement' How do you put excitement to the test or find its limits? Does not work in English. Do you mean something like  Katja‘s ability to stand alone is determined. As her physical and mental abilities are tested to breaking point when the reason for the conflict they have walked into becomes clear.

  Katja has survived her first skirmish in the Silent War, finally getting to satisfy her inborn warrior nature. But now she has a taste of adventure and grows restless for another as her mentor Serdra continues her training in combat and the mystical arts.

Katja‘s need for further action is fulfilled when a mysterious night-time clash sets a terrible beast loose in the world. Katja and her mentor travel to investigate and destroy the monster.

Between stalking and being stalked by shadowy foes, Katja‘s ability to stand alone is determined. As her physical and mental abilities are tested to breaking point when the reason for the conflict they have walked into becomes clear. A truly terrible threat to the world lies at the centre of it, and Katja’s greatest battle yet awaits.
« Last Edit: October 10, 2015, 05:16:23 PM by Rostum »

Offline Hedin

Re: Working on my blurb
« Reply #7 on: October 10, 2015, 11:59:31 PM »
Young Katja has survived her first skirmish in the Silent War, finally getting to satisfy her inborn warrior nature. But now she has had a taste of adventure and grows restless for another one as her mentor Serdra continues her training in combat and their mystical gifts.

Katja‘s wish for further action is granted when a mysterious night-time clash sets a terrible demon loose in the world of mankind. Katja and her mentor travel to investigate and destroy the monster

Between stalking and being stalked by shadowy foes, Katja‘s ability to stand on her own is truly put to the test. So is her excitement, as the true point of the conflict they have walked into becomes clear. A truly terrible threat to the world lies at the centre of it, and Katja’s greatest battle yet awaits.

I think I would mention Serdra directly here as you have already referenced him/her as the mentor.