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Author Topic: Member birthday calendar  (Read 219718 times)

Offline Nora

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Re: Member birthday calendar
« Reply #300 on: April 29, 2015, 10:17:17 AM »
Happy birthday Xiagan!! Thanks a lot for your hard work here! I have no clue about your age but wish you a delightful bday anyway!!
"She will need coffee soon, or molecular degeneration will set in. Her French phrasing will take over even more strongly, and soon she will dissolve into a puddle of alienation and Kierkegaardian despair."  ~ Jmack

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Offline Saraband

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Re: Member birthday calendar
« Reply #301 on: April 29, 2015, 10:49:31 AM »
Happy b-day Xi!  :)

It may be the first one where one of the presents you get is a dirty baby diaper, but it probably won't be the last  ;D
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Offline Evazorek

Re: Member birthday calendar
« Reply #302 on: April 29, 2015, 10:57:41 AM »
Evazorek - 6th July, UK :)
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Offline JMack

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Re: Member birthday calendar
« Reply #303 on: April 29, 2015, 12:34:14 PM »
A Birthday Gift for @xiagan. 972 words, excluding title.

Spoiler for Hiden:
Christian opened the laptop and navigated to Fantasy-Faction for the thirteenth time today. He felt a little bad doing it again, but the schnitzel was eaten, cake was gone, and the kleiner Junge had fallen asleep at last. In a chair by the little fellow's crib, the woman known to Christian only as "Liebling" or sometimes as "das Barracuda" had closed her eyes and was dreaming, he presumed, of days when she could get eight hours of sleep without interruption. He could spare the time. He could visit the forum, even if just for a few minutes.

The familiar website opened, but something was different. Why had it signed him out? Well, that was simple to fix. @xiagan, password "wr1tingConte5tGOD." Thank goodness he didn't have to put that in every time. Huh. Now the thing wanted him to enter one of those masked letters security things. God, he hated that shit. You could never quite make out the B from the E, and when you asked for another code, you really just got the same one, maybe rearranged  slightly.

Oh, and then there were the questions: "What is your favorite color?" Well, that was easy. He typed "I don't know."

And the second question: "Complete the title of the worst Fantasy movie ever: ---------." Wait, that wasn't fair. It was a one-word title, how could he complete anything? And besides, there were "Labyrinth" and "Willow" and "Kull" and, oh hell, way too many.  Screw it, he thought, and  typed in "The Hobbit: Battle of the Five Armies". Pressed enter.

"Sign on accepted" scrolled across the screen. As Xiagan, Christian was going to have to have a very long PM session with @Arry, his fellow forum God, over this. There was protection against spam, and there was protection against spam. You could take a thing just a bit too far.

He expected to see the usual red, black and white forum home screen, but instead, a video window opened with a big white triangle set in the center on its side. He pressed play. An image opened and a man simply reeking of bureaucrat looked out at him from his laptop.

"Name?" asked the man.

"Xiagan. Um, can you tell me what's going on? Where's the forum?"

"The forum known as," the bureaucrat checked his notes, 'Fantastic fiction', is undergoing significant review and refinement by special order."

"That's 'fantasy faction'."

"What is?"

"This website."

"Have you come to the wrong address, young man? Because if you have, please move along, as I have no time to spend listening to you puzzle your way to a conclusion."

"No, you don't understand, this forum, it's called "fantasy faction."

"Some kind of porn site, is it. You sick bastard. There are children whose use the Internest, you know."

"Internet. Oh, never mind. Did Arry set this security up?"

The man looked down at his notes again, moved a few papers aside and found something of interest. He tapped a paper with one ink-smudged finger. "The personage you refer to as Arry has been arrested."

"What?! Where?"

"Here. She's in cell 8, on suspicion of Gross Competence and General Niceness."

"That doesn't make any sense. Is @Overlord about somewhere?"

"Hmmm. Overlord, Overlord. Ah, yes. Arrested."

"On what charge!"

"Entrepreneurial Genius combined with Criminal Procrastination. A very dicey combination. Can't have that wandering about the Internest, now can we?"

"Then who's in charge?"

"Thought you might get around to that." The bureaucrat scratched behind an ear, and when he did, his carefully combed coif shifted and a tiny horn peeked out among the slicked back hair. "Atku Great God of Goats has blessed this forum with his guidance and protection."

"Oh, for Pete's sake," complained Christian. "Atku is just a joke." And as soon as the words were out of his mouth, Christian thought: well that was probably the wrong thing to say.

It was. The bureaucrat looked at Xiagan closely now, up and down from his cute cartoon dragon avatar to his yellow forum light and his oh so clever custom title. "Xiagan, you said? I think we may have something for you. Ah yes, this paper here is an arrest warrant for you on charges of High Helpfulness and Withholding Vote Insight Powers from People Loved by Atku."

"This is ridiculous. Where are @Saraband, @ScarletBea, @Elfy, @Idlewilder, @Henry Dale, @Eclipse, @Nighteyes, @Doctor Chill, I mean Chilli con Carne, I mean, oh fuck it. Where is @everybody!?"

"Well, this ScareltBea you mention is now in charge of all forum celebrations."

"She always was."

 "Shut it. Along with someone named @Lady Ty. Which sounds like some handle for a bondage site if you know what I mean. Then there's someone called @Nora, who seems to have been dropped in from another planet, but that's another story. The rest of those names," and here the bureaucrat looked quite pleased," are members of the resistance who will be spammed into powder on sight."

"Look," sighed Christian, "I really just wanted to go in and check on the voting for "Story of the Year. Only three people have voted, and it's getting a little embarrassing."

"Thought you told people it was 12."

"Well, It looks like Jmack set up a whole string of fake personas and they all voted for random shite. I have to fix things."

"Sorry, but you're either coming in,min which case I have to arrest you, or you're leaving."

"But it's my birthday."

"Another fucking whiner. Next!"

Christian watched in bafflement as the prettiest kitty cat in creation walked up to the bureaucrat's desk.

"Name?"

"@Raptori."

The bureaucrat sighed and rubbed one of his horns absent mindedly. "That's a weird name for a cat. What is it with this place?"

Christian closed his laptop. Das Barracuda looked at him from the doorway to the bedroom. She was dressed in... well, not much. Screw the forum, he thought. I'm for the real world.





 
« Last Edit: April 29, 2015, 07:48:45 PM by Jmack »
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Offline ArcaneArtsVelho

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Re: Member birthday calendar
« Reply #304 on: April 29, 2015, 12:49:11 PM »
Happy birthday, @xiagan!



EDIT after reading Jmack's gift-story: @Jmack, that was hilarious!
« Last Edit: April 29, 2015, 02:11:28 PM by ArcaneArtsVelho »
Everything I wrote above is pure conjecture. I don't know what I'm talking about.

I'm a perfectionist but not very good at anything. That's why I rarely finish things.

Offline Nora

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Re: Member birthday calendar
« Reply #305 on: April 29, 2015, 12:50:30 PM »
Holly poop on a cracker, this is awesome.  :o
Great work there Jmack!
I can see myself with that title, "Dropped from another planet". If I were a truly horrible french person I'd say @Henry Dale comes from the moon of my home planet *violent bout of evil laughter*.
« Last Edit: April 29, 2015, 12:56:19 PM by Nora »
"She will need coffee soon, or molecular degeneration will set in. Her French phrasing will take over even more strongly, and soon she will dissolve into a puddle of alienation and Kierkegaardian despair."  ~ Jmack

Wishy washy lyricism and maudlin unrequited love are my specialty - so said Lady_Ty

Offline ScarletBea

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Re: Member birthday calendar
« Reply #306 on: April 29, 2015, 12:51:06 PM »
Jmack - you made people look at me at work!!!!
Because I was LAUGHING OUT LOUD (and attempting to cover my mouth with my hands), with tears streaming down my face.
 :D :D :D

That is the best birthday present Xia could want! - and I have to wait 8 months for mine, hint hint

You are the *best* ;D



(how on earth can I work now??)
« Last Edit: April 29, 2015, 01:00:08 PM by ScarletBea »
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Offline Saraband

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Re: Member birthday calendar
« Reply #307 on: April 29, 2015, 12:51:17 PM »
@Jmack, I think it is evident that you are a very happy person and therefore don't need me to make you feel any better, but that was f***ing brilliant, even if a bit insulting to those who can't manage to write serious stuff, while the Lord of Goats brings forth so many different stories at a time.

Teach me, master, how to avoid the sin of procrastination! (Unless you procrastinate from writing through writing... which I think you do! ;) )
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Offline Henry Dale

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Re: Member birthday calendar
« Reply #308 on: April 29, 2015, 01:30:16 PM »
"Spammed into dust"
What a great way to die :'-)

Offline Lady Ty

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Re: Member birthday calendar
« Reply #309 on: April 29, 2015, 02:13:57 PM »
@Jmack that was glorious, thanks for the funniest ROFL part of my day. Hard luck that you were at work @ScarletBea can just imagine it  ;D ;D ;D ;D
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Offline ScarletBea

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Re: Member birthday calendar
« Reply #310 on: April 29, 2015, 03:02:55 PM »
Hard luck that you were at work ScarletBea, can just imagine it  ;D ;D ;D ;D
hehe at least it was lunchtime, so there weren't that many people around (especially because it was obvious I wasn't doing 'work stuff' :-[)
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Offline JMack

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Re: Member birthday calendar
« Reply #311 on: April 29, 2015, 03:18:45 PM »
If I were a truly horrible french person I'd say @Henry Dale comes from the moon of my home planet *violent bout of evil laughter*.
You mean like this?


*violent bout of evil laughter*
Change, when it comes, will step lightly before it kicks like thunder. (GRMatthews)
You are being naive if you think that any sweet and light theme cannot be strangled and force fed it's own flesh. (Nora)
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Offline Nora

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Re: Member birthday calendar
« Reply #312 on: April 29, 2015, 03:21:34 PM »
If I were a truly horrible french person I'd say @Henry Dale comes from the moon of my home planet *violent bout of evil laughter*.
You mean like this?


*violent bout of evil laughter*

Hahahaha! (or should I say MOUAHAHAHAHAHA!!!) Yes! Evil Genius! I love my new title too, thanks!  ;D
"She will need coffee soon, or molecular degeneration will set in. Her French phrasing will take over even more strongly, and soon she will dissolve into a puddle of alienation and Kierkegaardian despair."  ~ Jmack

Wishy washy lyricism and maudlin unrequited love are my specialty - so said Lady_Ty

Offline ScarletBea

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Re: Member birthday calendar
« Reply #313 on: April 29, 2015, 03:35:53 PM »
If I were a truly horrible french person I'd say @Henry Dale comes from the moon of my home planet *violent bout of evil laughter*.
You mean like this?

*violent bout of evil laughter*

No no no stop it, it's a lovely country and I'm going on holidays there and all *sides with Henry for Belgium*
(please do NOT change my title...)
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Offline Nora

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Re: Member birthday calendar
« Reply #314 on: April 29, 2015, 03:38:32 PM »
If I were a truly horrible french person I'd say @Henry Dale comes from the moon of my home planet *violent bout of evil laughter*.
You mean like this?

*violent bout of evil laughter*

No no no stop it, it's a lovely country and I'm going on holidays there and all *sides with Henry for Belgium*
(please do NOT change my title...)

"Belgian moon walker"  8)
"She will need coffee soon, or molecular degeneration will set in. Her French phrasing will take over even more strongly, and soon she will dissolve into a puddle of alienation and Kierkegaardian despair."  ~ Jmack

Wishy washy lyricism and maudlin unrequited love are my specialty - so said Lady_Ty