May 26, 2019, 04:24:59 AM

Author Topic: Depression, Struggles and Light at the End of Every Tunnel  (Read 230815 times)

Offline xiagan

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Re: Depression, Struggles and Light at the End of Every Tunnel
« Reply #2685 on: March 05, 2019, 08:59:58 PM »
I'm sorry to hear, Jmack. Nothing can prepare one for this moment. My grandma lived nearly ten years longer than predicted with dementia and when she finally died, it was still a shock for us even though her mind was long gone and we had been prepared for that moment for years.

Okay, you know what? I've made up my mind: I'm going to attend those weekly dance studio classes. I'll just be dumping myself straight into a class that's halfway done, and I'll be stiff and awkward. But whatever. I'll just joke about myself. And I'll be trying something new, and getting a feel for whether I should attend a full season next fall.
Not bad, Eli! That's more than I would dare.

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Offline JMack

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Re: Depression, Struggles and Light at the End of Every Tunnel
« Reply #2686 on: March 05, 2019, 10:49:21 PM »
She passed two nights ago. It’s now all the funeral stuff. And hoping my wife and her siblings don’t tear each other to shreds over nothing.
Change, when it comes, will step lightly before it kicks like thunder. (GRMatthews)
You are being naive if you think that any sweet and light theme cannot be strangled and force fed it's own flesh. (Nora)
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Offline ScarletBea

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Re: Depression, Struggles and Light at the End of Every Tunnel
« Reply #2687 on: March 06, 2019, 08:04:33 AM »
Hugs for Mrs Jmack, and wishes of calm for all the family.
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Offline Rostum

Re: Depression, Struggles and Light at the End of Every Tunnel
« Reply #2688 on: March 06, 2019, 10:24:08 AM »
So sorry John.

Offline The Gem Cutter

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Re: Depression, Struggles and Light at the End of Every Tunnel
« Reply #2689 on: March 10, 2019, 07:13:04 PM »
Hi @JMack ,
I am so sorry to hear of your family's difficulties and losses. I wish you strength and resilience going through this period, and on the far side, peace and solace.

There's a line in that old astronaut movie The Right Stuff when someone is comparing astronauts to the monkeys, and Chuck Yeager says that the difference is the monkey doesn't know all the things that can go wrong. I kind of think of us being in that position - knowing how things will end but ultimately unable to do anything about it. Being human is a helluva thing. Peace and strength brother, in equal measure to you and yours.
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Offline JMack

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Re: Depression, Struggles and Light at the End of Every Tunnel
« Reply #2690 on: March 12, 2019, 05:46:20 AM »
I woke up at midnight when Lisa came to bed. She stayed up to finish her mom’s funeral program. Now I can’t sleep. I’m angry about work (which is sort of ridiculous when you compare what I have to what could be) and angry/confused about everything with my dad.

I went over to the hospital Sunday with my oldest brother, who flew into town to see Dad. He’d been down and left the day right before Dad fell and everything went to heck. So he hadn’t seen Dad in his current semi-vegetative state.

 All the doctors have been saying Dad has too much brain damage on top of the Parkinson’s to ever communicate, swallow, eat on his own, understand his situation, or even respond purposefully to stimuli. Meanwhile, when we were there, my step-mom came in, spoke into Dad’s ear and kissed him on it, and he opened his eyes wide and also opened and closed his mouth twice. Then he went right back to closed/lidded eyes. It was surprising. It was inviting of hope.

But...

Response? Or only reaction?

Only reaction, I think.

Meanwhile, my step-mother is hopeful and determined. She believes he’s aware it’s her in the room with him. I have to admit that I can’t rule that out. And if he’s aware of her in any intelligent fashion (or true emotional way, even if only semi-conscious), then what do we owe him in terms of care?

He didn’t want to go to an institutional care setting due to Parkinson’s. Therefore, Gail wants to care for him at her home. She’s converting her dining room to a hospital room. Planning to have round the clock care. Meanwhile all the hospital and social work professionals are telling her not to do this. My brother is telling her not to do this for her own sanity. And in the enlightened U.S. healthcare world, it’s possible this could pauper Gail financially.

Meanwhile, I'm caught between the idea that my father has died but has a leftover breathing body that would die without the feeding tube and the slim hope that “he” is actually still in there, just terribly damaged. Do you hold a funeral for a living body? Do you orient your life to help care for this body because his wife can’t see that he is gone?

It’s very unlikely Gail will remove the feeding tube and starve his body to death unless something very significant changes in his condition. It’s quite possible she will try to care for him at her home and ask for some form of ongoing assistance.

How do I honor and care for my father?

I feel like I’m living in some bad made-for-TV movie.
« Last Edit: March 12, 2019, 03:35:33 PM by JMack »
Change, when it comes, will step lightly before it kicks like thunder. (GRMatthews)
You are being naive if you think that any sweet and light theme cannot be strangled and force fed it's own flesh. (Nora)
www.starlit-lands.com

Offline ScarletBea

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Re: Depression, Struggles and Light at the End of Every Tunnel
« Reply #2691 on: March 12, 2019, 07:59:04 AM »
There are no words that can reply to that, Jmack - just know we're here thinking of you and wishing you clarity and calm to do the best.

I just wonder, if the doctors say his brain damage is too severe, would organ donation help make sense of it all? Could he help many other people?
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Offline CameronJohnston

Re: Depression, Struggles and Light at the End of Every Tunnel
« Reply #2692 on: March 12, 2019, 08:46:44 AM »
I'm so sorry @JMack I can't imagine how horrible this is.
We are all thinking of you right now.

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Offline Lady Ty

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Re: Depression, Struggles and Light at the End of Every Tunnel
« Reply #2693 on: March 12, 2019, 12:45:35 PM »
@JMack  I am deeply sorry that you are in this heartbreaking situation. Wishing you and Lisa the strength you need to get through this family sadness together.
“This is the problem with even lesser demons. They come to your doorstep in velvet coats and polished shoes. They tip their hats and smile and demonstrate good table manners. They never show you their tails.” 
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Offline Saraband

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Re: Depression, Struggles and Light at the End of Every Tunnel
« Reply #2694 on: March 12, 2019, 03:19:18 PM »
For what it's worth, I'm truly heartbroken for you and your family @JMack . Not a situation I'd wish upon my worst enemies. That's life, for you - sometimes, the unfairness of it all is just revolting. Wishing you and yours lots of love xx
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Offline xiagan

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Re: Depression, Struggles and Light at the End of Every Tunnel
« Reply #2695 on: March 12, 2019, 07:42:40 PM »
Agree with the others. It sucks that on top of this horrible situation you (singular and plural) need to make decisions where there are no good options to choose from.
"Sire, I had no need of that hypothesis." (Laplace)

Offline Eli_Freysson

Re: Depression, Struggles and Light at the End of Every Tunnel
« Reply #2696 on: March 12, 2019, 09:53:27 PM »
I'm very sorry, @JMack. I wish I could suggest something, but there really are no good options in your situation. All I can do is wish you and your strength.
I'll notify your next of kin... that you sucked!

Offline The Gem Cutter

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Re: Depression, Struggles and Light at the End of Every Tunnel
« Reply #2697 on: March 12, 2019, 11:37:28 PM »
@JMack For whatever it might be worth, I respect your strength and stoicism as you ask the hard questions and ponder their answers. Perhaps your father will recover, and we all hope this comes to pass.

I was in a similar situation with my grandfather, who was returned to his home to hospice when I arrived. He died in the deep night, with only myself holding his hand and caressing his brow. He left the world with a kiss on his forehead and my tears on his arm. So far as I have seen, this is as good an ending as anyone can hope for, and better than most by a good way. This stands tall in my memory - my best service to him. And he taught me how to pass with dignity and humor - his best service to me. My point, if I have one, is that on the far side of this pain and doubt there is wisdom and solace. Until you get there, I'll be thinking of you and wishing you strength.
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Offline tebakutis

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Re: Depression, Struggles and Light at the End of Every Tunnel
« Reply #2698 on: March 13, 2019, 05:24:02 PM »
Wishing you the best, @JMack.

Offline JMack

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Re: Depression, Struggles and Light at the End of Every Tunnel
« Reply #2699 on: March 16, 2019, 11:01:03 AM »
Viewing yesterday and funeral today for my wife’s mom.
My dad’s wife decided yesterday to put him on hospice. The right decision. Now it’s just a matter of time.
Change, when it comes, will step lightly before it kicks like thunder. (GRMatthews)
You are being naive if you think that any sweet and light theme cannot be strangled and force fed it's own flesh. (Nora)
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