April 25, 2019, 03:15:48 PM

Author Topic: Depression, Struggles and Light at the End of Every Tunnel  (Read 222424 times)

Offline ArcaneArtsVelho

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Re: Depression, Struggles and Light at the End of Every Tunnel
« Reply #2580 on: December 28, 2018, 11:10:30 AM »
I can't seem to handle not being in control...
Not being in control is one of the few things I really hate in this world because the fear of it has, at times, affected my life very negatively (and still does, tbh).

What can I do?
ATTENTION! Probably really poor advice incoming...  :-\

I think that when things get out of your control, you can (1) accept that you are not in control, (2) try to steer yourself away from the effects of the things that are out of your control, and(/or?) (3) not think about the things that are out of your control.

So what does that mean? Well, your fridge not working and the repairman's schedule are out of your control. That is just how it is, and you can't really do anything about it. What you can do is to try to re-schedule and change your own plans to best accommodate the uncertain things (for example: making your plans for evenings when the repairman is unlikely to work, limit your need for a fridge by eating outside or staying at your friend's place if possible, etc.): Find ways to limit the negative effects.

As for the not thinking about it part... well, that's not always easy. But doing something you really like usually helps at least a bit. For me, nowadays, that would be either exercising or listening to music. For you? Reading, maybe? Or going for a walk/jog? And if breathing exercises help with the stress, then definitely do them too.



Heart beating quickly, feeling on the cusp of crying, a rage boiling inside.
This isn't normal, is it?
Well, based solely on my personal experience, I'd say that seems pretty normal.

But then again... what is normal anyway?  ::) ;)



What I'm trying to say is...
Spoiler for Hiden:
Hugs!  :-*
Everything I wrote above is pure conjecture. I don't know what I'm talking about.

I'm a perfectionist but not very good at anything. That's why I rarely finish things.

Offline JMack

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Re: Depression, Struggles and Light at the End of Every Tunnel
« Reply #2581 on: December 28, 2018, 03:00:28 PM »
Many hugs from me, @ScarletBea.
Not much advice. I’m sort of in a needing hugs mode myself today.

But I think deep breaths is the right approach. Temporary disruption is frustrating but not an end to anything.
Change, when it comes, will step lightly before it kicks like thunder. (GRMatthews)
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Re: Depression, Struggles and Light at the End of Every Tunnel
« Reply #2582 on: December 28, 2018, 03:46:03 PM »
Hugs back to everyone x

Thanks so much for your words, sometimes I think I just need someone else listening to my woes, instead of mumbling and ruminating all alone...

I ended up having a very nice day: I went to Leeds, walked around, bought 2 Malazan books, discovered the water taxi, checked again the armours at the Royal Armouries museum, heard a guy talking about real medieval archery (during a battle, at any point in time, there could be around 16 THOUSAND arrows in the air!)
...and got home to a sparkly envelope that came from the other side of the ocean!!! Thanks so much for the card, @JMack  :D
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Offline xiagan

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Re: Depression, Struggles and Light at the End of Every Tunnel
« Reply #2583 on: December 28, 2018, 08:51:28 PM »
Sorry for the double post, but I wondered if people could help me make some sense out of this.
[...]
What can I do?

Let's see.

You felt/were the most powerless when you learned that you had cancer so maybe feeling powerless now (even in a small way like this) brings backcreates more bad feelings than you would have expected. Which makes you doubt yourself (Am I so fragile that a broken fridge and the hassle to get it repaired throws me off the tracks?) which makes you feel even worse. So you got something of a vicious circle there, where a small incident creates a lot of irritation.

Remember that there's a distinction between the things happening outside and how you feel about them on the inside. You have no power over the schedule of the repair guys but you do have power over how you feel about it and how you handle it. Breathing is a good way to calm down. You can ask yourself if this will affect your life in a month or a year? Do you think you'll remember the broken fridge ten years from now?

Just a guess (and please ignore if it's too far fetched): You needed to be strong to fight cancer and depression. You ARE strong. But there are different kinds of strength and the strength you needed to survive is not the strength you need now back in your normal life. You had to do things exactly like this and that, you need(ed) structure. You needed to be solid as a rock in the surf. Immobile but prevailing.
The strength you need to face things like broken fridges or repair guys is more like a willow. Bending but never breaking. Not moving from its place but flexible. Ruffled after a storm but not broken like the old oak next to it.

I don't know how to go from one strength to the other or how to learn to use the appropriate kind of strength for a situation. But I know that imagination is powerful. Who knows better than us fantasy enthusiasts? It sounds clichéd but be the willow. Or the rock. Depending on what you need.
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Offline J.R. Darewood

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Re: Depression, Struggles and Light at the End of Every Tunnel
« Reply #2584 on: December 29, 2018, 08:23:20 AM »
So I can go out today, but tomorrow I was working at the shop and now I can't...

I can feel the stress in my body again, last night, this morning, as I type.
Heart beating quickly, feeling on the cusp of crying, a rage boiling inside.
This isn't normal, is it?

Sounds perfectly normal to me.  In fact this happens EVERY TIME I NEED TO FIX SOMETHING IN MY APARTMENT.  It took staying home repeatedly over six month to meet the repair guy to get my range working. Don't get me started on the leaking shower and sink. The worst was the last place which I wanted them to fumigate when I moved in.  I was working insane hours and had to take days off I couldn't afford for them to call me at 4 or 5pm to tell me they weren't coming. Three times.  I was FURIOUS.

Basically, they aren't respecting your time, and free time is precious.  So I'd say you have every right to be angry.  But being angry isn't going to fix your fridge so I'd say scream and punch a pillow for an hour and then come up with a smart way to deal with these jerks.

UNRELATED

On the subway today this someone told this agro homeless guy he should get off the train so he started screaming "GET OFF THE TRAIN! GET OFF THE TRAIN"  flaling his fists and then pulled the emergency door release and started prying open the door while the train was going full speed, then hung out of the door holding onto the handle by the door with just one arm shouting "GET OFF THE TRAIN!" They stopped the train and he got back inside, made it to the next stop where he proceeded to pick food out of the trash can. Just thought I'd share.
« Last Edit: December 29, 2018, 08:26:43 AM by J.R. Darewood »

Online ScarletBea

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Re: Depression, Struggles and Light at the End of Every Tunnel
« Reply #2585 on: December 29, 2018, 09:32:16 AM »
Xia, if you ever feel like changing careers, please go into psychology. Your post made me think and realise stuff, and, just thanks a lot :-*

A few comments:
(Am I so fragile that a broken fridge and the hassle to get it repaired throws me off the tracks?) which makes you feel even worse.
Yep...

Quote
But there are different kinds of strength and the strength you needed to survive is not the strength you need now back in your normal life.  (...) Not moving from its place but flexible.
I had never looked at it this way, but oh so true!
Earlier in December I did this course at work about resilience, and we did a test to check where we were better or worse in handling stress and problems. I was ok in 7 of the 8 items, but then scored 0 in Flexibility, which of course is really bad. I thought that was only applying to work, and I was working on that, but of course that's not true and I now realise the implications in my non-work life too, and how damaging that is.
I just went to find the course booklet and ta da, in that section it does mention the imagery of the oak and the willow :D (note to self: use the material given ::))

Quote
imagination is powerful. Who knows better than us fantasy enthusiasts?
Great tip!

And as I said before, thanks to you all for giving me the "outside perspective" :-*
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Offline xiagan

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Re: Depression, Struggles and Light at the End of Every Tunnel
« Reply #2586 on: December 29, 2018, 02:49:59 PM »
Xia, if you ever feel like changing careers, please go into psychology. Your post made me think and realise stuff, and, just thanks a lot :-*
Haha, I studied a bit of psychology and both my parents are psychotherapists so you can say it runs in the family. ;) I'm just glad I could help and it wasn't too intrusive/know-it-all. :)
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Offline Rostum

Re: Depression, Struggles and Light at the End of Every Tunnel
« Reply #2587 on: December 29, 2018, 04:46:27 PM »
Something I have to keep reminding myself of is none of it will matter in a 100 years time. Or more likely 25 years time for me. If it will/does matter after that long it's worth getting stressed over most things don't. Sadly you can't apply the same thing to people who are far easier to get stressed over.

Offline The Gem Cutter

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Re: Depression, Struggles and Light at the End of Every Tunnel
« Reply #2588 on: January 02, 2019, 07:55:14 PM »
I want to share some observations that relate to your low flexibility score, Ms. Scarlet. My point is that this phenomenon is not a character flaw or indicative of a problem, strictly speaking.

When I got into special operations, I saw that there were generally two types of people: meticulous planners and highly adaptive improvisors. The first excelled at meticulous plans that took all kinds of things into account and set the team up for success. Their problem is that when things change and their plans become moot, they have to operate without one - and that is not their strong suit. Likewise, the improvisors would often fail to plan effectively and encounter situations that no amount of adaptability can overcome.

The key is to combine the two types of people - the number of people who excel at both is such a small percentage that it's not worth considering. So when you encounter your limits, I advise you forgive yourself for being what you are: organized, meticulous, etc., etc. These traits literally come at the cost of the flexibility you wish you had - but simply cannot.

It's the cost of doing business and you see it everywhere, even physics: hard things are always brittle; the sharper something is the more fragile it is; things that can be used to pull (rope, cables) cannot be used to push, etc., etc. Be happy you have strengths (even with the weaknesses they come with) and that you know what they are :)
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Re: Depression, Struggles and Light at the End of Every Tunnel
« Reply #2589 on: January 03, 2019, 01:41:32 PM »
Thanks for the comment Gem, it does make sense.
I don't necessarily want to have "perfect flexibility", just a bit more to allow me to face these small events without collapsing.

Now I actually have a baseline for the future: "remember when your fridge broke down, how did you feel, how did you handle that?", and then move on from there.
Already yesterday, when it was finally fixed but now the light goes off and I wasn't sure if it had broke down again, I put in place some of the tips you guys gave me here, and I didn't feel that bad again :)
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Offline Eli_Freysson

Re: Depression, Struggles and Light at the End of Every Tunnel
« Reply #2590 on: January 04, 2019, 10:43:00 PM »
This is unrelated to anything in particular, but I just wanted to share it.

I recently posted about my grandmother's death and funeral. My surviving grandfather, her husband, is 93 years old and suffering dementia. It's probably the best thing for him, given that he's very physically feeble and his wife of circa 70 years is gone. From what I understand he tends to mentally revert to his boyhood summers in a beautiful rural farming area.

Still, a long-awaited tunnel (delayed for years) has been completed just outside of my town. It cuts through a mountain and makes transport between my town and his a lot easier and more predictable. Even with his infirmities one of his six daughters was able to take him on a car trip through the tunnel. Apparently it was a bit of a dream of his.

Even two days later he doesn't remember it much, but she's going to show him pictures from the trip, and at least he can still enjoy himself to some degree.
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Offline J.R. Darewood

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Re: Depression, Struggles and Light at the End of Every Tunnel
« Reply #2591 on: January 04, 2019, 10:56:50 PM »
very sad but sweet Eli.

Offline JMack

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Re: Depression, Struggles and Light at the End of Every Tunnel
« Reply #2592 on: January 06, 2019, 11:48:45 AM »
My father is falling deeper and deeper into dementia fromParkinsons. Mrs. JMack visits him usually once a week. This last time, he got frustrated with her trying to help him with something and put his hand on her throat. Recently the whole family was together (about 18 of us), and he would just get up and start heading out the door - into the rain, with no shoes, with no clue. We walked with him for fifteen minutes holding an umbrella over him, the. Got him in a car and drove around for half an hour, and finally back to where everyone was gathered. I don’t know how his wife gets through each day.

If there is one type of disease we need to solve, it’s dementia/Alzheimer’s.
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Re: Depression, Struggles and Light at the End of Every Tunnel
« Reply #2593 on: January 06, 2019, 01:10:15 PM »
That's so sad, Jmack.
I also agree with you that's where research should go...

I often wonder what I'd do if I got it - check myself into a good nursing home, with all financials organised for the future, or just end it... The problem is that while I was ok most of the time I'd want to go on, and when I wasn't, I wouldn't be able to do anything about it properly.
Silly thoughts, reflecting age hehe
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Offline JMack

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Re: Depression, Struggles and Light at the End of Every Tunnel
« Reply #2594 on: January 06, 2019, 03:12:18 PM »
I’m with you, SBea. The biggest thing for me is that I don’t want to be a burden on anyone. So, yeah, check myself in  My grandmother entered a retirement community before she physically needed to. It was a “progressive” care facility, where you start out independents d then graduate  ;) to higher levels of care over time. That’s what I want to do so that my kids or Lisa don’t have to bear the expense or the crushing impact on their time and energy.
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You are being naive if you think that any sweet and light theme cannot be strangled and force fed it's own flesh. (Nora)
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