August 04, 2020, 06:39:22 AM

Author Topic: Depression, Struggles and Light at the End of Every Tunnel  (Read 326302 times)

Offline Raptori

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Re: Depression is a bitch... from a friend
« Reply #105 on: August 19, 2015, 09:18:08 AM »
@Idlewilder I've had anxiety since I was quite young and I too find it gets worse every year. Phone calls, meeting people, even getting together with very old and dear friends gets me on edge, phone calls being one of the worst. It takes me weeks to gather up the courage to ring a doctor when something's wrong, and once I manage to do that, it's a whole other mission to actually get myself to the doctor's appointment. If I do manage to get to the appointment and there's a follow up, it's the same drama all over again. The worst part is that knowing this makes ringing them and booking the appointment even worse. I also get my moments of panic whenever my phone rings and it takes me ages to answer while I stare at it trying organise my thoughts to figure out what the person ringing wants. :D

Phone calls are the worst. I sometimes get calls from just 'External' on my work phone, and will just stare at it deciding whether to pick it up - and what makes it worse is my worst fears do come true in this job, as I once picked up the phone (stupid!) and found myself on a speakerphone conference call with a roomful of FRENCH business executives.  :o

@Saraband (I'm not going to quote your post hehe) - it's amazing to me, that we could come from such different countries and yet have an almost identical experience growing up. I'm still in the fattest kid mode, tbh, though I'm trying to lose the weight. And although I wasn't a waiter, I did somehow find myself in a supermarket going from lowly grunt to manager in the space of a year, piling on the stress and responsibilities in what was a horrendous and soul-sucking job. Now I just have a boring job, which I have to constantly remind myself is much, much better. Where in Scotland are you moving to?  :)

Thanks so much for sharing, guys, I found the act of writing out my thoughts very cathartic & now reading your responses makes it even better. We are not alone.  :D

On one hand though, I used to never pick up the phone. Never. So that's something I've improved on, I guess. :D

I find that while in many ways my anxiety keeps getting worse and I find myself more and more home-bound, I also live a much more stress-free life because I have a most supportive partner in @Raptori :) I feel very lucky to have stumbled upon him, and quite frankly am amazed he's stuck around for so long... :o

Thanks everyone for sharing, it really is nice to know you're not alone in struggling with what some would call everyday stuff. ;)
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Offline TigerBright

Re: Depression is a bitch... from a friend
« Reply #106 on: August 19, 2015, 09:33:57 AM »
I can really relate to the phone calls thing, I have to build myself up to make them and write down what I want to say beforehand. (I sometimes do this for doctors appointments too) I stumble through most incoming ones and just beat myself up about all the stupid things I said later, but I can't answer calls from numbers I don't recognise at all, there's no preparing yourself when you don't know what the conversation will be about or who with.

I also completely get what Idlewilder said about anxiety even after the stressful event is over. I have a massive tendency to flagelate myself with all the things I said wrong or how stupid I must have sounded afterwards.

I'm obviously still struggling a lot so don't have much to say about how to get better, but I do have some ways of managing it. I have an app on my phone called "what's up" that's quite helpful. It has some good advice on how to counter anxious thoughts, and calming/grounding exercises for when you're at crisis point. And mindfulness/meditation seems to help a lot too. Habit and routine are definitely my friends, and small achievable goals. For me at least, feeling in control of things makes me feel less anxious.

It's not for everyone, but my most successful recovery was when I was medicated.

What a lovely thread,  it's nice to see you all supporting eachother.

I have quite severe social anxiety. Even  forums can lead to anxiety/panic attacks for me, which is why I'm a long-time lurker and don't often actually post. I dip my toe in occasionally when I'm in one of my better phases or feeling brave.

To be honest, I get a little intimidated by the post quality around here. So while I read this forum most days and follow discussion threads, I don't often feel that I have anything worthwhile or eloquent enough to contribute. I type out a lot of things that never get posted.

Just thought I'd take the opportunity to explain this while you're all talking about it.

Thank you for posting this, Tiger. We sometimes talk about how to get "lurkers" to join in more. Maybe we need to recognize that not everyone feels comfortable and confident in every setting. That said, I do hope you know we welcome anything you have to say. It's just us.

Well in my case at least it's not you, it's me. ;) My anxiety is a big factor, and also having two young children (a 2 month old and 3 year old) means I don't always have much time to post.

Offline Saraband

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Re: Depression is a bitch... from a friend
« Reply #107 on: August 19, 2015, 09:38:52 AM »
Where in Scotland are you moving to?  :)

Everything is still open. I'd prefer Edinburgh, to be able to continue an academic career, but I wouldn't mind moving to a smaller place. Also, Roger is a dentist, and Scotland needs them most in other places besides Edinburgh and Glasgow, so we'll see :)


I find that while in many ways my anxiety keeps getting worse and I find myself more and more home-bound, I also live a much more stress-free life because I have a most supportive partner in @Raptori :) I feel very lucky to have stumbled upon him, and quite frankly am amazed he's stuck around for so long... :o

Yes, having a supportive partner makes a hell of a difference. This is the one aspect of my life where I feel extremely safe, a sort of pillow to fall back on when things around me don't go so well.  :)

Funny how many of us dread phone calls. It's really strange - how would our anxieties manifest in the past, without phones and all that?  :P
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Offline Idlewilder

Re: Depression is a bitch... from a friend
« Reply #108 on: August 19, 2015, 09:52:36 AM »
I also completely get what Idlewilder said about anxiety even after the stressful event is over. I have a massive tendency to flagelate myself with all the things I said wrong or how stupid I must have sounded afterwards.


This is possibly the worst thing, as it's the vicious cycle. Logically I know that the other person doesn't notice the insecurities you have and that it's only going on in my own brain. After all, how often would you pick up on someone else's insecurities in the same conversation? Probably never. But I dunno, it's like I overthink every little interaction in hindsight, and that's probably what makes it get worse the more I do it. Gah.

Where in Scotland are you moving to?  :)

Everything is still open. I'd prefer Edinburgh, to be able to continue an academic career, but I wouldn't mind moving to a smaller place. Also, Roger is a dentist, and Scotland needs them most in other places besides Edinburgh and Glasgow, so we'll see :)

Ah everyone loves Edinburgh.  ;)  But Glasgow is my favourite city in Scotland by a long stretch - it's just way more modern, the people are friendlier and it's the real cultural hub of the country now.

Have you looked at Perth? It is a much smaller city, but really close to everywhere else - a quick drive into the Highlands, over to the West Coast, or to Edinburgh and Glasgow.
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Offline xiagan

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Depression is a bitch... from a friend
« Reply #109 on: August 19, 2015, 10:00:35 AM »
Wow. I think it is normal to have some (anxiety) issues and people who don't look it are just better at hiding it. ;)

I have a similar problem as @hedin, talking too fast (maybe because I'm reading so fast) and not loud enough.
If you're sitting at the other side of the table talking to somebody else and I'm saying your name to get your attention, it's likely I have to do this 3 or 4 times before you notice. Which makes me feel self conscious and stupid.

And I never know what to say smalltalk wise.

Little things in comparison to some of your problems of course. Just wanted to let you know that I can relate too.
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Offline TigerBright

Depression is a bitch... from a friend
« Reply #110 on: August 19, 2015, 10:03:57 AM »
Oh, I dread to think!

No phones and no postal service. Imagine you have a friend overseas. After a lot of crossing out and worrying over wording, you write them a letter.

Then you have to go outside and talk to people, to find someone who's going their way to deliver it for you.

You wait weeks for a reply, angsting over everything you've said and how stupid you must have sounded.

Another week passes. A reply isn't coming. Your friend must hate you. That was the worst letter ever. You're an awful, boring person.

Next week, a knock. You manage to open the door rather than hide pretending not to be home. It's a man with a letter for you. It's from your friend.

Now you need to reply. Cue more weeks of mental anguish.
« Last Edit: August 19, 2015, 10:06:21 AM by TigerBright »

Offline Saurus

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Re: Depression is a bitch... from a friend
« Reply #111 on: August 19, 2015, 10:04:32 AM »
I also completely get what Idlewilder said about anxiety even after the stressful event is over. I have a massive tendency to flagelate myself with all the things I said wrong or how stupid I must have sounded afterwards.


This is possibly the worst thing, as it's the vicious cycle. Logically I know that the other person doesn't notice the insecurities you have and that it's only going on in my own brain. After all, how often would you pick up on someone else's insecurities in the same conversation? Probably never. But I dunno, it's like I overthink every little interaction in hindsight, and that's probably what makes it get worse the more I do it. Gah.



Sometimes I replay situations in my head YEARS after they happened because I felt so awkward or wish that I'd said something. Especially in confrontational situations I tend to panic and my mind just goes blank, and of course afterwards I remember every detail and want to punch myself for not speaking all the responses now available in my calm and (somewhat) rational brain ;)

Wow. I think it is normal to have some (anxiety) issues and people who don't look it are just better at hiding it. ;)

I have a similar problem as @Hedin, talking too fast (maybe because I'm reading so fast) and not loud enough.
If you're sitting at the other side of the table talking to somebody else and I'm saying your name to get your attention, it's likely I have to do this 3 or 4 times before you notice. Which makes me feel self conscious and stupid.

And I never know what to say smalltalk wise.

Little things in comparison to some of your problems of course. Just wanted to let you know that I can relate too.

People are always telling me I'm too quiet! It's so baffling because I swear I'm speaking at normal volume or even loudly, yet people just can't hear me sometimes! I particularly remember some 10 years ago when I had just started working at McDonald's and I had to shout out to the kitchen whenever I took something out of the 'bin' (the hot cabinet where the burgers are kept), and I swear I really did shout when ever I took something, but they kept telling me they can't hear me O.O
« Last Edit: August 19, 2015, 10:08:33 AM by Saurus »
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Offline Raptori

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Re: Depression is a bitch... from a friend
« Reply #112 on: August 19, 2015, 10:11:20 AM »
10 years ago


The number of times when I'm in a different room and just notice some kind of tiny squeaking noise, as if someone a few hundred meters away is shouting, and it turns out you've been 'calling' me for ten minutes. Sauruses are very quiet creatures.  :P
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Offline Idlewilder

Re: Depression is a bitch... from a friend
« Reply #113 on: August 19, 2015, 10:15:21 AM »
Oh, I dread to think!

No phones and no postal service. Imagine you have a friend overseas. After a lot of crossing out and worrying over wording, you write them a letter.

Then you have to go outside and talk to people, to find someone who's going their way to deliver it for you.

You wait weeks for a reply, angsting over everything you've said and how stupid you must have sounded.

Another week passes. A reply isn't coming. Your friend must hate you. That was the worst letter ever. You're an awful, boring person.

Next week, a knock. You manage to open the door rather than hide pretending not to be home. It's a man with a letter for you. It's from your friend.

Now you need to reply. Cue more weeks of mental anguish. 'Hello', they say.


^
Fixed that for you.  ;D

Sometimes I replay situations in my head YEARS after they happened because I felt so awkward or wish that I'd said something. Especially in confrontational situations I tend to panic and my mind just goes blank, and of course afterwards I remember every detail and want to punch myself for not speaking all the responses now available in my calm and (somewhat) rational brain ;)

Yup, I do this all the time. The sad thing is I'm probably not all that bad 'in the moment' as I think I am - I think I'm mostly pretty calm and friendly with everyone, but sometimes it just feels like I can have a brain-fluster and everything goes wrong. I'm not an easy smiler necessarily, which can be off-putting to a LOT of people - and I can see it in their body language, and just the way they will interact with me afterwards changes as they realise I'm a 'miserable sod'. I'm actually not. But I always think of it like, if I'm smiling then you know it's genuine...
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Offline Saurus

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Re: Depression is a bitch... from a friend
« Reply #114 on: August 19, 2015, 10:50:56 AM »
Yup, I do this all the time. The sad thing is I'm probably not all that bad 'in the moment' as I think I am - I think I'm mostly pretty calm and friendly with everyone, but sometimes it just feels like I can have a brain-fluster and everything goes wrong. I'm not an easy smiler necessarily, which can be off-putting to a LOT of people - and I can see it in their body language, and just the way they will interact with me afterwards changes as they realise I'm a 'miserable sod'. I'm actually not. But I always think of it like, if I'm smiling then you know it's genuine...

I just automatically smile at people, I can't help it. I think I'm a very submissive kind of person, and when dealing with people in real life I automatically go into this people pleasing mode... I'm like that puppy who won't stop wagging his tail and rolling over because he wants to let you know he's not a threat and just wants to be friends. It's doubly ridiculous because I really don't like people in general.

It probably traces back to my crazy narcissist father, whom I've luckily now cut off from my life, but who used to have immense control over me even though I had never been close to him or spent that much time with him. He would also be the reason I'm so afraid of confrontation, and I completely freeze up in such situations.

It's ridiculous really, and makes me feel out of control and pathetic, but so far I haven't managed to over-ride these confrontation-panic and smiley people-pleasing modes, lol. The people pleasing mode is what made me an excellent customer servant, but as it completely drains me and leaves me exhausted, it is also what drove me into a complete melt down in all my customer service jobs.
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Offline eclipse

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Re: Depression is a bitch... from a friend
« Reply #115 on: August 19, 2015, 05:36:10 PM »
Thank you for the all reply s, I've got a black country accent for all those interested. I know what my mind is doing it's  making excuses up not to interact with people.

I also hate the phone but only with strangers in okay with people I know
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Offline Raptori

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Re: Depression is a bitch... from a friend
« Reply #116 on: August 19, 2015, 06:03:28 PM »
Thank you for the all reply s, I've got a black country accent for all those interested. I know what my mind is doing it's  making excuses up not to interact with people.

I also hate the phone but only with strangers in okay with people I know
I guess it'll depend on how strong your accent is and how quickly you speak then! Makes me think of this:


[youtube]http://youtube.com/watch?v=Cun-LZvOTdw[/youtube]
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Offline ScarletBea

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Re: Depression is a bitch... from a friend
« Reply #117 on: August 19, 2015, 06:14:40 PM »
ohmygawd, what *is* this movie? ;D ;D ;D
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Offline Idlewilder

Re: Depression is a bitch... from a friend
« Reply #118 on: August 19, 2015, 06:20:41 PM »
ohmygawd, what *is* this movie? ;D ;D ;D

Hot Fuzz - one of my favourites!  :D
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Offline Raptori

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Re: Depression is a bitch... from a friend
« Reply #119 on: August 19, 2015, 06:21:24 PM »
Yeah, Hot Fuzz. Absolute classic.  ;D
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