Depression, Struggles and Light at the End of Every Tunnel

[Lady Ty]

Thank you @Jmack for starting this discussion thread and @ScarletBea for the poem and the initial sharing of your feelings.  To others here, @Nora, @wakarimasen, @Eclipse and @Eli Freysson,  who have opened up and shared your experience of depression, anxiety and associated conditions that you have to live with, please accept my sincere respect and admiration for your courage. It must have been very hard to write it all down and post it here as anonymous forums are often a way to disguise your true self in some respects and escape from things that make life difficult or miserable.

I realise the effects of these conditions are different for everyone but those of us who have no experience don't know how to respond and yet seriously want to offer help. I am always here to listen and please feel free to PM me at any time if you just want to chat and let it all out. Sometimes our time difference will work against a quick reply, sometimes it may be an advantage because my daytime is the night for some when things can often seem even blacker than in the day.

With this community you all know now that you have friends standing nearby.

The comics are brilliant, will be passing those links on where they will be appreciated, thanks

[ScarletBea]

Eli, your problems are definitely not trivial!
That's just your brain putting you down (I know!).
So thanks for sharing too, and I hope F-F helps a bit in making you happier in general.

http://imgur.com/gallery/qF5iRhV

This one ressonated with me and made me laugh because it's so true, although thankfully it doesn't happen a lot in the morning, it's mostly after one of the 'fits'.
If you'd like a chuckle in here, read on, what goes on inside most times when the event from the cartoon is happening.

Spoiler for Hiden:

Brain: It's time to move.
Body: mmmmmmmmm

Brain: You've really been here not moving for far too long, move.
Body: mmmmmmmmm

Brain: Ok, I'll do a countdown and at the end you move, ok?
Body: mmmm

Brain: five-four-three-two-one-zero, move
Body: mmmmmmmmm

Brain: Hey! Ok, one more: cinq-quatre-trois-deux-un-zero, move
Body: mmmmmmmmm

Brain: Really? cinco-quatro-tres-dois-um-zero
Body: mmmmmmmmm

Brain: still? funf-vier-drei-zwei-eins-null
Body: mmmmmmmmm

Brain: last one. I don't know any more languages. cinco-cuatro-tres-dos-uno, zero
Body: mmmmmmmmm

Brain: no, you know I can't do italian, it always comes out as weird spanish
Body: mmmm
*moves very slowly*
 

[ScarletBea]

Ok. I have the feeling that some people do care - not only about me, but trying to understand better what the illness represents.
So here's something I found today that sheds some more light on the whole issue.

We talked before how I like modern art - which for me is all about feelings, rather than any particular technique.
Today at the Tate Liverpool I saw this painting that for me really reflects what's happening to me:



This is my brain. Organised, logical, coherent, working all as normal... if you only see the outside border.
However when you look inside everything is broken, out of synch, out of order, confused, random.
Nobody really sees inside, except when the little broken pieces come to the surface, during my 'crisis moments'.

[Eli_Freysson]

I have about as much of a grasp of abstract art as I do with communications (I think it has to do with that Aspie rigidly logic-based mindset), so I'll just say I commend you for sharing your feelings and hope you feel better soon, ScarletBea.

[Raptori]

Ok. I have the feeling that some people do care - not only about me, but trying to understand better what the illness represents.
So here's something I found today that sheds some more light on the whole issue.

We talked before how I like modern art - which for me is all about feelings, rather than any particular technique.
Today at the Tate Liverpool I saw this painting that for me really reflects what's happening to me:



This is my brain. Organised, logical, coherent, working all as normal... if you only see the outside border.
However when you look inside everything is broken, out of synch, out of order, confused, random.
Nobody really sees inside, except when the little broken pieces come to the surface, during my 'crisis moments'.

That reminds me of a poster about autism that I made for a college project - I (digitally) cut up a portrait using those kind of shapes and shifted the pieces around slightly, to go with the tag line "the autistic self is fragmented not broken, why try to fix it". I would share the poster but it's 6 years old and has a big photo of me on it...  Obviously in the case of autism it's a permanent mindset rather than a temporary thing, but I don't think it'd be surprising if depression comes with similar feelings of frustration and disconnection.

[Kazreemo]

Anyone that can talk about their own struggles are NOT weak. Opening yourself up to others takes an incredible amount of courage.

I lost my mother a couple of years ago, it's safe to say she was the centre of my universe and right up until cancer finally took her I was in complete denial. Even after she passed I flat out refused it. Thinking myself strong by appearing normal I was taking my emotions (which were wild and unpredictable) out on those closest to me. I have since apologised and worked my way back into their understanding good graces.

I bought a little book, and started writing down the thoughts that were trying to (what felt like) kill me. Every day adding something just to get it out of my head and look at it.

One thing I wrote down (I can't remember exactly without it being on me) Is how proud people are slaves. Puppets that are forced to conceal their true feelings out of absolute fear that the world or even a single person might see weakness. Some of the greatest atrocities on earth have been committed as acts of pride. The bottling up of all these emotions, placing them on some unseen shelf for you to eventually deal with alone (but of course you never do) all in the name of superficial strength eventually leads to your own self destruction. Had I had the true strength of character to seek help sooner maybe I wouldn't have hurt so many others, their only crime trying to help me.

I then sought out help and simply letting open the flood gates and offloading the contents of my head to someone who understood, or even just listened was like someone opening a pressure valve on me and I could breathe again.

As ScarletBea said, depression is different for everyone. And I have the highest respect for anyone strong enough to voice their struggle, for in doing so you expose yourself in the most intimate manner to the outside world. That takes true courage.

Every one needs a hug every now and again 

[Eli_Freysson]

Yes, pride can be a terrible thing when it becomes an internal block. When it makes a person put up a false face, close up and deny to the world and maybe even themselves that anything is wrong, suffering in silence for the sake of an ultimately meaningless charade. Humans have many different ways of making life needlessly difficult.

So to anyone reading this: If you have problems, if you are in pain, for God's sake get someone to talk to, friend relative or professional. Leaving a wound untreated does not make it go away.

[Francis Knight]

As you can already see, you aren't alone

I'm bipolar and have long periods of crushing depression (and then long periods where I'm like a bee on speed)

Took me over twenty years to get diagnosed (mainly because my mum, we know know, is also bipolar and so was her mum and I just thought all the women in the family are just...like this. I thought it was normal)

CBT has made the hugest contribution to managing it -- I still fail too often enough, but not as badly? And I have, as said upthread, my dried frog pills for when it gets bad (for a while after my diagnosis, I was chemically coshed to the point I could not speak...turns out I have a weird reaction to most of the drugs, but we found one that a) works in a couple of says and b) doesn't leave me drooling)

For anyone suffering, I'd say...go and talk to a doctor. They will help, and you don't need to suffer alone. And tell he people in your life!

[Eclipse]

Been struggling a little bit the nearer my birthday gets, it be my first birthday without my dad

On the bright side I will be spending some time with my six month old niece 14lbs 7  , I've already brought her a Fairy Tale book 

[ScarletBea]

Eclipse, it will be hard no matter what, but spending time with nieces is the best feeling!
I'm currently sitting on the floor, in the dark, by my 3-year old niece's bed, waiting for her to fall asleep - I got her into bed, read her a bunch of stories, and she even read one to me!
It did me the world of good
And the 1.5-months one is also extremely cute and cuddly

I hope you do enjoy yours, and have a lovely time.

And another sharing bit: there are so many nice people out there, the ones that ask me if I'm ok and if i need help when they see me crying in corners of places or streets, and especially for leaving me alone  when I say no, I don't need anything.

[Eclipse]

Yes I love my niece I see her quite regularly as my sister only lives 15- 20 mins away in car from me  and she sends me Photos of her which make me happy, She's just started eating pears and yoghurt and making a mess of eating them (my niece not my sister  ) currently she goes to baby swimming and baby massage

She be taking me out to see www.littleowlfarmpark.co.uk/index.html on Tuesday

It must have been amazing  feeling when you niece read a story to you  you have to help me with recommendation of books for my niece when she's a bit older hehe I was thinking of a supergirl comics I really can't get her Grimdark novels that's what Saraband would recommend to me haha

[Lady Ty]

@ScarletBea and @Eclipse you guys are going to be the best ever spoily aunt and uncle.   Kids are so straightforward and say just what they think and make undemanding company, except for the excess energy which is hard to keep up with. , Best of all when they are little bit sleepy they are the best cuddlers in the world.  So glad you get to play and enjoy time with them.

[ScarletBea]

Ok, I wondered if I should post this (this is starting to be regular, hehe), but in the spirit of sharing and education, I decided yes.

I found this graph on  book on depression at the library, one of the few that presented scientific language to talk about the illness, and made sense (you wouldn't believe how much mumbo-jumbo there is... I guess like in any other health fields...). It shows how mood varies throughout the recovery period:



At the moment I'm probably on the part of the graph underneath the right side of the legend box, and this made so much sense! Because although the average trend is upwards, the gap between good days and bad days (actually, good moments and bad moments - anything from a few minutes to several hours) is so big that at times it feels like I'm really bad and never going to get better. But I will

[Lady Ty]

I'm so glad you posted that graph @ScarletBea because it shows clearly the awfulness and difficult of trying to cope with such constant and enormous extremes.  But it helps others to be able to visualise it a little better. Hang on and keep looking at the far right part of the graph.   

[Eli_Freysson]

I'm glad you're climbing your way up.