September 20, 2019, 02:36:14 AM

Author Topic: Depression, Struggles and Light at the End of Every Tunnel  (Read 254025 times)

Offline Rostum

Re: Depression, Struggles and Light at the End of Every Tunnel
« Reply #2640 on: January 24, 2019, 03:21:00 PM »
@ScarletBea that sounds exactly like Claustrophobia rather than Enochlophobia.

I am aware that you don't like being around lots of people but it sounds like you were OK until you went into the tunnel. How do you get on with the tube?

Offline ScarletBea

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Re: Depression, Struggles and Light at the End of Every Tunnel
« Reply #2641 on: January 24, 2019, 03:53:14 PM »
Hmmm I never really had issues in closed spaces, to be honest.
My problem is with the encroachment of my personal space, so tube is normally ok, but tube with people pressing me from all sides is very bad (I remember another instance like this in Rome, when it was so crowded, so crowded, that I almost fainted).

So at that event it was ok before because I could move around and keep some space around me, but in that tunnel I just couldn't move (well, I could by pushing everyone and being rude).
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Offline tebakutis

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Re: Depression, Struggles and Light at the End of Every Tunnel
« Reply #2642 on: January 24, 2019, 04:05:40 PM »
Hmmm I never really had issues in closed spaces, to be honest.
My problem is with the encroachment of my personal space, so tube is normally ok, but tube with people pressing me from all sides is very bad (I remember another instance like this in Rome, when it was so crowded, so crowded, that I almost fainted).

So at that event it was ok before because I could move around and keep some space around me, but in that tunnel I just couldn't move (well, I could by pushing everyone and being rude).

I should say, though, I'm with @JMack on not sitting with my back to a door in public spaces. Especially since we had Emma (who is now 4!) any time we go to a public place, I insist on sitting somewhere where we can see both doors, and try to keep an eye on everyone coming in and out instead of watching my phone, just on the rare (super rare, relative to population) chance someone decides to randomly shoot up the place. I always have my exit path planned (based on which entrance presented the threat) and am ready to grab Emma and run.

We had active shooter training at my work a couple of months ago (because in America, our go to plan to not have people murdered by AR-15s is to teach people to watch out for people with AR-15s, rather than, you know, ban AR-15s). Our instructor (who is a SWAT guy when he's not doing these training sessions) talked a lot about how it's useful to watch all entrances in a public space and mentally rehearse how you'll exit ahead of time, repeatedly, so you don't freeze if something happens. Again, the chance that I'll ever be involved in a mass shooting is very, very small, but there *is* always a chance, because AMERICUH AND FREEDUM!!!

I try not to obsess about it (again, the chances are low) but I also use it as a thought exercise to occupy myself while we're waiting for food, instead of staring at my phone.

Offline Eli_Freysson

Re: Depression, Struggles and Light at the End of Every Tunnel
« Reply #2643 on: January 24, 2019, 04:17:39 PM »
I have my own bad relationship with crowds. Given where I live my definition of "crowd" probably wouldn't impress most people, but I have visited London and Paris, where I did get it all on full blast. It's not that I panic or feel unsecure somehow, it's just the constant, constant input from every direction. The absolute mass of voices and sounds, impossible to make any sense of. After spending a bit of time in these circumstances my nervous system just starts to turn on me, and I get equal parts mentally exhausted and immensely cranky.

I swear I can FEEL the chemicals in my brain turn sour. And I'm not being colourful here; my head really does feels funny after a while in noise.
I'll notify your next of kin... that you sucked!

Offline J.R. Darewood

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Re: Depression, Struggles and Light at the End of Every Tunnel
« Reply #2644 on: January 25, 2019, 03:50:56 AM »
Wait, what? WHAT? Dude, how you can just drop that casually like it's a normal thing?

You have the weirdest life. :P
You just said what I (everyone?) was thinking ;D

Okay so at the time, there was an economic crisis, no one had any money, there were people taking over busses in the city b/c the prices went up and burning tires and everyone was robbing everyone and there were vigilante mobs.  So getting held hostage was sort of par for the course.  We also got tied up later and I sort of got pistolwhipped "eres americano, donde esta su plata!" while tied to this girl from canada until she told them I was French and they were like 'oh, sorry."  But Ive been held at gunpoint and knifepoint and assaulted probably like 10 or 11 times (once you total them all up, not each) so there's that.  No lasting injuries really, just a scar on my face, two under my hair from beer bottles and guns, and a knife wound in the back.

I wouldn't say life has been kind exactly, but I will say this, it's never been boring.
« Last Edit: January 25, 2019, 03:52:33 AM by J.R. Darewood »

Offline tebakutis

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Re: Depression, Struggles and Light at the End of Every Tunnel
« Reply #2645 on: January 25, 2019, 04:12:03 AM »
We also got tied up later and I sort of got pistolwhipped "eres americano, donde esta su plata!" while tied to this girl from canada until she told them I was French and they were like 'oh, sorry."

 ???  ???  ???

Offline xiagan

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Re: Depression, Struggles and Light at the End of Every Tunnel
« Reply #2646 on: January 25, 2019, 04:34:20 PM »
Wait, what? WHAT? Dude, how you can just drop that casually like it's a normal thing?

You have the weirdest life. :P
You just said what I (everyone?) was thinking ;D

Okay so at the time, there was an economic crisis, no one had any money, there were people taking over busses in the city b/c the prices went up and burning tires and everyone was robbing everyone and there were vigilante mobs.  So getting held hostage was sort of par for the course.  We also got tied up later and I sort of got pistolwhipped "eres americano, donde esta su plata!" while tied to this girl from canada until she told them I was French and they were like 'oh, sorry."  But Ive been held at gunpoint and knifepoint and assaulted probably like 10 or 11 times (once you total them all up, not each) so there's that.  No lasting injuries really, just a scar on my face, two under my hair from beer bottles and guns, and a knife wound in the back.

I wouldn't say life has been kind exactly, but I will say this, it's never been boring.
You don't need to write fantasy novels, you need to write memoirs.
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Offline J.R. Darewood

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Re: Depression, Struggles and Light at the End of Every Tunnel
« Reply #2647 on: January 25, 2019, 10:24:48 PM »
Wait, what? WHAT? Dude, how you can just drop that casually like it's a normal thing?

You have the weirdest life. :P
You just said what I (everyone?) was thinking ;D

Okay so at the time, there was an economic crisis, no one had any money, there were people taking over busses in the city b/c the prices went up and burning tires and everyone was robbing everyone and there were vigilante mobs.  So getting held hostage was sort of par for the course.  We also got tied up later and I sort of got pistolwhipped "eres americano, donde esta su plata!" while tied to this girl from canada until she told them I was French and they were like 'oh, sorry."  But Ive been held at gunpoint and knifepoint and assaulted probably like 10 or 11 times (once you total them all up, not each) so there's that.  No lasting injuries really, just a scar on my face, two under my hair from beer bottles and guns, and a knife wound in the back.

I wouldn't say life has been kind exactly, but I will say this, it's never been boring.
You don't need to write fantasy novels, you need to write memoirs.

"Getting Mugged" by JR Darewood

But honestly I have about 400k words of letters and journal entries that friends have repeatedly urged me to publish but I couldn't figure out how to put it all together in a book... I couldn't find a common thread or an arc that was strong enough to tie it all together. I tried turning pieces into longform creative nonfiction and submitted a few places but I got nothing but rejections

Offline Eli_Freysson

Re: Depression, Struggles and Light at the End of Every Tunnel
« Reply #2648 on: January 27, 2019, 07:14:46 PM »
I have to say I feel pretty good about my health choices lately. Aside from my three times a week gym visits I still swim 4-5 times a week, but I've started going longer distances, and I'm now doing at least a little bit of yoga every day. I'm also taking a three-week break from alcohol, and think I'll soon take a break from sweets and pastries.
I'll notify your next of kin... that you sucked!

Offline ScarletBea

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Re: Depression, Struggles and Light at the End of Every Tunnel
« Reply #2649 on: January 27, 2019, 07:40:43 PM »
Eli, you put us all to shame :-[
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Offline Eli_Freysson

Re: Depression, Struggles and Light at the End of Every Tunnel
« Reply #2650 on: January 27, 2019, 08:25:28 PM »
Eli, you put us all to shame :-[

To be fair I do have a lot of free time.
I'll notify your next of kin... that you sucked!

Offline Eli_Freysson

Re: Depression, Struggles and Light at the End of Every Tunnel
« Reply #2651 on: January 28, 2019, 08:14:50 PM »
I have no idea what's wrong with me today. All afternoon I've been high strung and incredibly irritable, even though I slept well and exercised thoroughly today.

I hate feeling this way.
I'll notify your next of kin... that you sucked!

Offline Magnus Hedén

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Re: Depression, Struggles and Light at the End of Every Tunnel
« Reply #2652 on: February 05, 2019, 10:46:40 AM »
About crowds: I'm fine with them, even up close, as long as it's impersonal. If it requires me to interact with the people in them I can get super stressed because social situations can be very straining for me. It's hit and miss though depending on my mood and what the interaction is about. I can be fine giving someone the time or telling them which way the toilets are (still impersonal), but if the crowd has a reason to pay attention to me and they're pressing up close, it can be panic-inducing.

It's difficult to explain. But it's not so much about the physical mass of people for me as much as a social pressure that builds up (though certainly being crammed into a subway cart without being able to move can be disconcerting, but I think that's pretty normal?)

Also hi, long time lurking again. I do read every post in this thread, but often I don't engage because as much as I'd like to reassure others and support them, engaging with people who have similar issues with depression and anxiety sometimes triggers me and then that's the day is gone. It's a tough line to walk because I want to be there for others, but these days I err on the side of caution because it costs me so much if I misjudge my capacity.

Anyway, massive hugs to everyone going through troubles. I do believe that we humans are capable of making it through the harshest of times, not unscarred but unbeaten, so to speak. I certainly believe it about everyone else; I just need to learn to believe it more about myself.  :-\
« Last Edit: February 05, 2019, 01:01:51 PM by Magnus Hedén »
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Offline ScarletBea

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Re: Depression, Struggles and Light at the End of Every Tunnel
« Reply #2653 on: February 05, 2019, 12:26:32 PM »
Magnus, thanks so much for posting, I love reading about everyone's experiences.

often I don't engage because as much as I'd like to reassure others and support them, engaging with people who have similar issues with depression and anxiety sometimes triggers me and then that's the day is gone. It's a tough line to walk because I want to be there for others, but these days I err on the side of caution because it costs me so much if I misjudge my capacity.
Don't worry, we all understand, take care of yourself first: I think mental health is the place where you need to be a little "selfish" (although I don't consider it is).

I now understand this better than, say, 6 months ago, because there was a time in Autumn where I just couldn't hear/read/see anything about cancer. I got upset, I got angry, I kept crying and crying. I ended up having "emergency therapy" because I really couldn't handle it alone. If someone had come to me then asking for help and support, I would have ran away.
Apparently it's normal ::)
I'm much better now.
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Offline Eli_Freysson

Re: Depression, Struggles and Light at the End of Every Tunnel
« Reply #2654 on: February 10, 2019, 07:40:20 PM »
I'm not sure what to make of my emotional state lately. I'm not miserable, I'm just sort of... lethargic. Numb.

I've been avoiding social gatherings for quite a while, and I guess I put the blame on weariness with my input problems. I CAN enjoy myself at gatherings, but if I stay long enough I inevitably get irritated. And if I'm not there with people I know I inevitably just sort of hang around and don't say much. I feel lately I've been concluding that it's just not worth it and that I'm better off just staying in my comfortable little bubble, mostly by myself. I don't really do anything to risk that sensory irritation because I'm just so tired of it.

I also feel I'm getting fairly indifferent to university. I still show up and do the assignments, but at low energy.

This is even extending to my writing. I'm nearing the end of third in my latest series, and it could be due to losing passion with a project I have worked on for so long.

But I don't really know what to identify as the overall problem.
I'll notify your next of kin... that you sucked!