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Author Topic: Bad Sex Awards 2012  (Read 2221 times)

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Bad Sex Awards 2012
« on: November 21, 2012, 08:25:12 PM »


The two authors heavily tipped to take this year's most coveted and dreaded literary prize have failed to make the shortlist. Neither JK Rowling, for her first adult novel, nor EL James for her Fifty Shades trilogy, will be adding the bad sex trophy to their mantelpieces.

Jonathan Beckman, senior editor at the Literary Review, which organises the annual award, said nominations had poured in for Rowling's The Casual Vacancy. However, after ardent discussions about the book, the judges concluded she failed to meet the criteria. Despite "a couple of queasy moments", as Beckman termed it, her writing is not nearly bad enough.

The bad sex prize was established "to draw attention to the crude and often perfunctory use of redundant passages of sexual description in the modern novel – and to discourage it".

"The passionate debate in the Literary Review offices never stops," Beckman said. "There was much discussion this year about whether certain books, which superficially appeared eligible, actually contained writing about sex that was bad enough for them to be shortlisted."

The other notable absentee is James' Fifty Shades trilogy, the books which brought mummy-porn out of the e-readers and on to the best-seller shelves in every high street bookshop.

Beckman said the trilogy did not qualify "because the prize's rubric explicitly excludes pornographic and erotic literature". He added: "I don't think she needs any more publicity, does she?"

The full shortlist is: Tom Wolfe, nominated for the second time for Back to Blood, The Yips by Nicola Barker, The Adventuress by Nicholas Coleridge, Infrared by Nancy Huston, Rare Earth by Paul Mason, Noughties by Ben Masters, The Quiddity of Will Self by Sam Mills – a particularly worthy nomination, since Self's own fiction has been shortlisted on three occasions– and The Divine Comedy by Craig Raine. Coleridge and Raine are also repeat offenders.

The winner will be announced at a lavish ceremony in London next month – and it is considered a badge of courage for the authors to attend to receive it in person.  Last year there was great controversy when a sweaty and red faced Patrick Rothfuss showed up only to leave empty handed.

Extracts from the shortlisted novels

• The Quiddity of Wilf Self, by Sam Mills Down, down, on to the eschatological bed. Pages chafed me; my blood wept onto them. My cheek nestled against the scratch of paper. My cock was barely a ghost, but I did not suffer panic.

• Noughties, by Ben Masters We got up from the chair and she led me to her elfin grot, getting amonst the pillows and cool sheets. We trawled each other's bodies for every inch of history.

• Back to Blood, by Tom Wolfe Now his big generative jockey was inside her pelvic saddle, riding, riding, riding, and she was eagerly swallowing it swallowing it swallowing it with the saddle's own lips and maw — all this without a word.

• Rare Earth by Paul Mason He began thrusting wildly in the general direction of her chrysanthemum, but missing — his paunchy frame shuddering with the efford of remaining rigid and upside down.

• The Yips by Nicola Barker She smells of almonds, like a plump Bakewell pudding; and he is the spoon, the whipped cream, the helpless dollop of warm custard.

• Infrared by Nancy Huston This is when I take my picture, from deep inside the loving. The Canon is part of my body. I myself am the ultrasensitive film — capturing invisible reality, capturing heat.

• The Divine Comedy by Craig Raine And he came. Like a wubbering springboard. His ejaculate jumped the length of her arm. Eight diminishing gouts. The first too high for her to lick. Right on the shoulder.

• The Adventuress: The Irresistible Rise of Miss Cath Fox by Nicholas Coleridge In seconds the duke had lowered his trousers and boxers and positioned himself across a leather steamer trunk, emblazoned with the royal arms of Hohenzollern Castle. 'Give me no quarter,' he commanded. 'Lay it on with all your might.'
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Offline Jian

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Re: Bad Sex Awards 2012
« Reply #1 on: November 21, 2012, 08:35:08 PM »
Hah. That was great.  ;D
Oh, I have a blog. http://dullboredom.wordpress.com/

Check it out, if you've got the time. Much appreciated.

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Offline shep5377

Re: Bad Sex Awards 2012
« Reply #2 on: November 21, 2012, 08:40:04 PM »
Hah. That was great.  ;D

Get yourself away from this thread young man! >:(

Offline blendyface

Re: Bad Sex Awards 2012
« Reply #3 on: November 22, 2012, 07:31:18 PM »
• The Quiddity of Wilf Self, by Sam Mills Down, down, on to the eschatological bed. Pages chafed me; my blood wept onto them. My cheek nestled against the scratch of paper. My cock was barely a ghost, but I did not suffer panic.

Barely a ghost - a ghost?! What, is it hovering in some twilight zone? In a coma?
Either way, this just sounds like some guy who was not-really trying to study for an exam or something, and thought "hey, what if I make this about my schlong?". And thus, a trippy papery purple prose dream was born.

• The Yips by Nicola Barker She smells of almonds, like a plump Bakewell pudding; and he is the spoon, the whipped cream, the helpless dollop of warm custard.
...I can never eat custard again.

• Infrared by Nancy Huston This is when I take my picture, from deep inside the loving. The Canon is part of my body. I myself am the ultrasensitive film — capturing invisible reality, capturing heat.
Ah, but I want to know is - if she's the Canon, what's her partner? Is this like hate!sex with a Nikon? Slumming it with a 3MB digital Samsung? Need the deets!

Also, strictly, this one surely mustn't count, this is more of a precursor to The Importance of Safe Words 101:
'Give me no quarter,' he commanded. 'Lay it on with all your might.'

Did you suffer these passages yourself, or is this majestic list a group contribution?

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Re: Bad Sex Awards 2012
« Reply #4 on: November 22, 2012, 07:33:37 PM »
Its an article from the Guardian!  I am way too lazy to track all these down!
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Re: Bad Sex Awards 2012
« Reply #5 on: November 23, 2012, 10:55:28 AM »
Oh, wow. Makes me wonder if the rest of the novels are this awful.

Offline Francis Knight

Re: Bad Sex Awards 2012
« Reply #6 on: November 23, 2012, 11:35:37 PM »
Ah I see Wolfe is up for it again - he has my fave quote from all teh Bad Sex Awards. Ready?


Hoyt began moving his lips as if he were trying to suck the ice cream off the top of a cone without using his teeth ... Slither slither slither slither went the tongue, but the hand that was what she tried to concentrate on, the hand, since it has the entire terrain of her torso to explore and not just the otorhinolaryngological caverns ...


Those caverns are Ear Nose and Throat by the way (or caverns of the head and neck). Yes, it's nasal foreplay....

My tongue has been in my cheek for so long, I've eroded a new mouth.


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Offline Jeni

Re: Bad Sex Awards 2012
« Reply #7 on: November 23, 2012, 11:48:46 PM »

Extracts from the shortlisted novels

• The Quiddity of Wilf Self, by Sam Mills Down, down, on to the eschatological bed. Pages chafed me; my blood wept onto them. My cheek nestled against the scratch of paper. My cock was barely a ghost, but I did not suffer panic.

• Noughties, by Ben Masters We got up from the chair and she led me to her elfin grot, getting amonst the pillows and cool sheets. We trawled each other's bodies for every inch of history.

• Back to Blood, by Tom Wolfe Now his big generative jockey was inside her pelvic saddle, riding, riding, riding, and she was eagerly swallowing it swallowing it swallowing it with the saddle's own lips and maw — all this without a word.

• Rare Earth by Paul Mason He began thrusting wildly in the general direction of her chrysanthemum, but missing — his paunchy frame shuddering with the efford of remaining rigid and upside down.

• The Yips by Nicola Barker She smells of almonds, like a plump Bakewell pudding; and he is the spoon, the whipped cream, the helpless dollop of warm custard.

• Infrared by Nancy Huston This is when I take my picture, from deep inside the loving. The Canon is part of my body. I myself am the ultrasensitive film — capturing invisible reality, capturing heat.

• The Divine Comedy by Craig Raine And he came. Like a wubbering springboard. His ejaculate jumped the length of her arm. Eight diminishing gouts. The first too high for her to lick. Right on the shoulder.

• The Adventuress: The Irresistible Rise of Miss Cath Fox by Nicholas Coleridge In seconds the duke had lowered his trousers and boxers and positioned himself across a leather steamer trunk, emblazoned with the royal arms of Hohenzollern Castle. 'Give me no quarter,' he commanded. 'Lay it on with all your might.'

Ah I see Wolfe is up for it again - he has my fave quote from all teh Bad Sex Awards. Ready?


Hoyt began moving his lips as if he were trying to suck the ice cream off the top of a cone without using his teeth ... Slither slither slither slither went the tongue, but the hand that was what she tried to concentrate on, the hand, since it has the entire terrain of her torso to explore and not just the otorhinolaryngological caverns ...


Chuffin' 'eck! :o How the fluff did that lot actually get published???