@Alex Hormann so for your story :
“Mae’n bwrw glaw yn y fory,” he said, stumbling over the unfamiliar words. He gestured at the gloomy sky overhead.
“Saes,” the guard growled, spitting on the floor. He raised his rifle, intent clear. No other word was ever said with such hatred, and always followed by violence.
I wanted to love it, but sadly the foreign language elements were detrimental at the start of the story. I was confused and a little frustrated that sentences that I should understand – that I ought to be able to make sense of in context somehow – were completely obscure. Once I finished the entire story i guessed Saes might mean English?
I don't believe in popping up google translate to understand a story, particularly if the main character is English and struggles with the language : it was the perfect excuse to hint at meaning... But isn't Ieuan a Welsh name? This just puzzled me to no end, so I was basically frowning my way through this excellent prose and well crafted story... And then things turned out to be a really nice bit of espionage! But again as a drawback, the steampunk elements felt added on to replace real world solution : guard could be human, lock pick could be a lock pick.
In the end the whole story also had a faint air of prologue/first chapter to it. Not in a bad way, as I sometimes outright withhold likes because "it's not a short story".
That's not what was going on there, the issue I had was that I'd basically read an (initially confusing) spy incursion with light elements of steampunk that ended up hinting at a much more interesting steampunk world : A world where the Welsh took over the Brits through use of steam/coal technology? By the end that was the story I wanted to read the most.
> Senedd and Abertawe
When this came up, I got so confused I had to go back to the discussion part to confirm this was Welsh and not fantasy names. Again, I don't consider it a quality if I have to google it to make sure what's happening, and reaching out to the author also shouldn't happen in my opinion.
Rhys ap Cwnc was infamous across England as the mastermind behind the occupation. It came as no surprise to Ieuan that the papers on his desk were covered in handwritten annotations and corrections. Everything about the man was so precise, so functional. Ashame he had been born on the wrong side. A man like that could have turned the war. Perhaps he still would.
The realisation RHYS AP CWNC was a personal name and not an office name came a tad too late again IMO.
Then I struggled over this "ashamed he had been born on the wrong side" thing. I wasn't managing to make sense of Rhys' birth and position. Is he Welsh? British? Which side is he ashamed of? Shouldn't the English side be the shameful one?
And then it hit me like a ton of bricks that it was "A shame", but that came on second reading. On my first one I gave up and moved on. Probably not a glowing review on my mental elasticity to have only mentally corrected things to "ashameD" and not "A shame"... but hey.
I don't think the typo is bad, I think it just highlights how confused I still was by the story at this stage. I still had no clue who Ieuan was and why he was in here or that there was a colony relationship with England going on.
Things made a lot more sense with insight on the second read, and the enjoyable prose and fun spy adventure and quick thinking of the main character then really shone! It is well written, well plotted, and even with the theme elements being a little on the cosmetic side, it's a very strong story imo. My final critic is that if refusing to give any help with the language within the text, a disclaimer over your story, or a single line intro/blurb would have helped me understand and be more patient. Even with a spoiler tag for people who want to go in blind?
So yeah, in the end this critic isn't really one you *have* to listen to, because you might believe the way you added the language and local elements works just fine, but it's what held me from being able to pick it over Kindly's.
In that regard Kindly came as a bit of unfair contrast, posting this italic intro line :
In the year 1506, Leonardo Da Vinci moved to Milan, then under French control, by invitation from the governor of the city.
That not only set the scene but brushed my French ego...
The story was pretty fun. The prose was lighter, accommodating the pretty fun story. My issues were sort of... story related. Little tidbits made me overthink or pull out of the story.
The machine uses olive oil? A renaissance man has *perfect teeth glistening*? They can go to a zoo to know what 12 monkeys screaming sounds like? After the whale sound comparison I was getting the feeling the story was told by a contemporary of mine, to me, using references for the both of us, but meaningless to the characters.
Honestly there were some really brilliant bits of humour in there. The treacherous tomatoes (which are not vegetables but fruits lmao), the pink elephants (another non renaissance thing ahaha).
’A most volatile substance, Melzi. The most treacherous of vegetables, I’ve found.’
He looked up at Melzi, and his face lit up in a smile. ’Melzi! You’re here!’
While this scene was very funny overall, I still don't understand why he addresses Melzi, then looks up to him and goes "oh it's you" basically.
I re-read this several time, wondering if I was having a senior moment, and it sort of ruined the joke since I moved on without understanding.
They made their way to the demonstration tent in silence.
As the time of demonstration neared, Melzi became increasingly jittery.
Found this transition poorly managed.
This particular acorn was not content to stay a sapling; it was determined to do in one minute what another oak would be proud to accomplish in a hundred years.
That was very well written.
The end of the story left me a little flat though :
’My apprentice, fostered under my care here in France, was sent to… influence his majesty. Our British rivals spread their rumors, to really quite astonishing effect.’
Would a shady lady like this be explaining herself to someone who just crossed her and ruined her plans? If she were going to be this honest about it all, she probably should have done that sooner.
I was also unclear as to how she wanted to use the engine to "slowly" kill the councillors. I mean, literally bad oysters are a better plan : easier, more economical, and able to be put into place by loyal assassins and not a bunch of wild Milan lads.
But it was all pretty fun and the humour balanced with some very well written line.
What really brought it down in the end in such a way that I couldn't vote it over Alex's was the lack of steampunk. Calling a thing an engine and giving it a furnace doesn't qualify I think xD.
That's just normal engines. What yours did that was different used... a magic ruby, making this square fantasy, which felt like a shaaaaaaame, because Da Vinci wrote some WICKED diagrams of mad inventions and if you'd given him some (magic grade) steam powers to put them in actions, you could have him pioneer planes in 1506!!
I felt like the character felt like a bit of a missed opportunity in the end.
But the story was fun and sweet too.
So in the end I voted for the one that also had its flaws but took me by surprise and made me laugh out loud and went the cruel way... If I'd had three votes you'd all have had one though.
