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Author Topic: [SEP 2016] Pirates! - Critique Thread  (Read 14936 times)

Offline night_wrtr

Re: [SEP 2016] Pirates! - Critique Thread
« Reply #15 on: November 02, 2016, 07:09:28 PM »
@Lanko

Spoiler for Hiden:
1) I had too many situations/conflicts happening and didn’t focus on any of them (MC suddenly becoming a pirate, MC fighting her own father, MC overthrowing the king, MC accumulating money, relationship with guy living underwater for years). Can you pick one or two (or none) that was/could be the most interesting?

Can I just say "what you said?" There was a lot going on as you mentioned, but I liked the part where she duels the Captain, then wins them over with "millions of marks" and they all relax and smile. xD

@Osahon

Spoiler for Hiden:
@Gem_Cutter  made some good points on tense/POV. So I agree there.

I do think that the story would have benefited from a higher wordcount to add more buildup for the twist at the end. It was a quick buildup and a quicker ending.  You got my vote because I liked what you were doing and I liked the twist. You nailed the theme very well and I liked the description. The seeing yourself in the mirror was a minor quarrel, though. Maybe he reached up and felt them, remembering where each scar came from? Could even go into a few details of them that would have added more depth to that character. A little more set up or expansion on Jonah's plans would have been interesting too.


@Alex Hormann

Spoiler for Hiden:
Something Awesome:
"Iruep Vaket first realised his head was destined for the chopping block when his crew told him they'd accidentally kidnapped the Patriarch of Eroa."
 xD This might have been my favorite first line of the whole month. The whole feel to the story and premise hooked me early. Noke's character shined as it was hilarious to see him unfold what happened.

Something Boring:
Nothing boring, but I started getting worried as Noke's retelling took up most of the story that the ending was going to be quick.

Something Confusing:/Something Unbelievable:
After seeing Noke in this story, why the hell is he Iruep's First Mate??  ;D

The decision to throw the guy overboard left me a little unsatisfied. What it him or not? - that was part of my anticipation as I read. It starts off with the Captain and his crew in a pickle, which has suspense and anticipation for how they get out of it. Then I see the Captain shrug and "its God's problem." Thought it deflated right at the end after the build up from the first sentence.

@SugoiMe

Spoiler for Hiden:
Something Awesome:
Got my first vote! The opening paragraph made me grin so wide when I realized this was going to be space pirates.
"It's not that Dawson saw people’s futures. He just saw how they were going to die."
Love it. High stakes right from the beginning as Dawson is caught and headed for execution. Then the pirate attack brought in the action, and THEN we learn that Zeher was like Dawson! The Rule of the Curse!

1499 words left no room for little descriptive details here and there, but overall everything worked for me and I really enjoyed reading. Great story!

Offline Lanko

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Re: [SEP 2016] Pirates! - Critique Thread
« Reply #16 on: November 02, 2016, 08:08:50 PM »
Can I just say "what you said?"

No. I want my critique card too  ::)
Slow and steady wins the race.

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Offline night_wrtr

Re: [SEP 2016] Pirates! - Critique Thread
« Reply #17 on: November 02, 2016, 09:00:53 PM »
Can I just say "what you said?"

No. I want my critique card too  ::)

 ::)  8) @Lanko
Spoiler for Hiden:
Something Awesome:

Underwater world gets crushed by the sea. Okay super cool Atlantis type thing going on. Talking rings are a nice magic idea for married folk. I could totally use that in real life. Nice set up for Joshua being under the rubble of the coliseum waiting rescue.

I want to know more about this crab named Clark.

“Pirate, revolutionary and queen. Did I miss anything?,” asked Joshua.

“Master fencer,” she replied slashing the air.


A lot of cool in this story.

Something Boring:
Hell no.

Something Confusing:

Who is “they” in the early beginning? At first I thought it was her and Joshua, then I realized he was in the rubble. The wizard saved them, then collapses. Who is he and if he could do a force bubble, could they not just make small force bubbles up and down to carry people to safety? The architect is executed because the coliseum was destroyed? That sucks, is he in charge of the things that protect the city/place from the sea? (I get that later when she talks to the wizard chief). I want to know more about this underwater world and the circumstances that comes about that causes its collapse.

She rushes to the castle, but then there is no rescue. Who said that and why and did she slap them? Why does the force tunnel cost so much money and is that what feeds the magic system? Lannaria just survives the collapse, then becomes a pirate. This scene belongs in the something awesome section, but how does she know how to fight and what is her background. I don’t know the MC yet, but she’s obviously awesome.

What is the timeline between taking over the pirate ship and then the attack on the enemy ship? Two years!?! :-O Lanko!

Her father shows up. They fight, then he gives her an inheritance of 5 million marks. Did she know he had money? Why didnt she try him first? Could she have persuaded him to join a coup to take over the throne before she went pirate?

I want to know what Joshua’s book was about.

This was a novel in 1500 words. Turn this into 150,000 words!

Something Unbelievable:

What has Joshua and other survivors been doing for two/three years!?!

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Re: [SEP 2016] Pirates! - Critique Thread
« Reply #18 on: November 02, 2016, 10:13:57 PM »
^ agree with everything you said, I want to read that long story :D
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Offline Lanko

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Re: [SEP 2016] Pirates! - Critique Thread
« Reply #19 on: November 03, 2016, 12:38:05 AM »
Thanks, @night_wrtr!

For Greenship, by @Jmack:

Spoiler for Hiden:

Something Awesome: I loved Rintikk and Laftakk. They were pretty cool elves and the mention of her eartips endearing.

The magic was damn cool as well, fusing with an object and pretty much becoming it. There were some great descriptions.

When they cut off her hands I was like "What? No way, no way". Fuckers. How dare they hurt Rintikk?

The pirate leader and the priestess interaction was funny as well ("I don't kill, I let the sharks do it!").

If it wasn't obvious, I voted for it  ::)

Something Boring: ---

Something Confusing: ---

Something Unbelievable: ---


For Crisis of Faith, by @Alex Hormann

Spoiler for Hiden:

Something Awesome: Humorous, but a bit too silly for my taste. When they think about all the effort of torturing and killing the guy was the best part. As a sidenote, I voted for you on almost all previous months for your dark stuff  ::)

Something Boring: I think it lacked a bit more action or something at stake. They just talk to each other.

Something Confusing: I didn't understand why they were so upset about the situation. If it was the Patriarch, they would be set for life, if it wasn't they could just dispose of the guy, but I thought it was overly dramatic, even if it was for comedy effect.

Something Unbelievable: ---

Extra: Maybe they could try to ask for a ransom for the guy, the city/kingdom believes and are scared shitless, then everything is paid or in the middle of it both sides realize it's not the Patriarch and everyone have been tricked. It would allow to maintain the comedy aspect while having a little more action/different situation. 

Slow and steady wins the race.

Lanko's Year in Books 2019

Offline Alex Hormann

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Re: [SEP 2016] Pirates! - Critique Thread
« Reply #20 on: November 03, 2016, 12:44:57 AM »
Thanks @Lanko. And don't worry, I'll be back to the darkness for the 1750.  ;D

Offline The Gem Cutter

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Re: [SEP 2016] Pirates! - Critique Thread
« Reply #21 on: November 03, 2016, 01:43:11 AM »
I’m free game for critiques of my story! If you could also take the time to answer this question, it would also be appreacited, but it’s by no means necessary!

1) I had too many situations/conflicts happening and didn’t focus on any of them (MC suddenly becoming a pirate, MC fighting her own father, MC overthrowing the king, MC accumulating money, relationship with guy living underwater for years). Can you pick one or two (or none) that was/could be the most interesting?

Overall, I do not think there was any issue related to this plotline over that - they were all threads in the same carpet, reinforcing each other. As others have pointed out, I don't know how you managed to get so much good story in such a small space - a tempest in a teacup for sure. Taking one of your threads out would leave a gap, or you know my obsession with brevity would take over and I'd point to one.

The premises were all good and different, and you pulled them all off very well.

My critique, such as it is:
Spoiler for Hiden:
First, trying to find a way to make this better is a helluva thing. The only thing I think I could share that would be helpful is some examples of trimming without loss of context or meaning. Maybe. Perhaps it would yield enough space (one or two words at a time) for a word or two more in places where you wanted them? Seriously, this was damn fine story, but you've been a faithful reviewer of my stuff, so here goes. Tiny additions to make pruning correct are underlined.

   They reached the surface minutes later and were rescued by a ship. The wizard who brought them back collapsed. She Lannaria was very lucky to be near him when the barrier spells failed and the windowed walls shattered under the pressure of the sea.
(wasn't sure of the wizard's gender)

Instead, it made him a laughing stock among other rulers and this was unforgivable. (this stuff is inferred by laughing stock, and his reaction)
   
   She rushed to the castle, as did with many others. There were survivors still in the coliseum, those married communicated with their marriage rings.
   But there would be no a rescue attempt so deep was just too dangerous and expensive. The coliseum sunk deeply. It. The remaining barriers still working could fail at any moment. Or the survivors might starve to death.

   “That’s ten million marks, Lady Lannaria. But after the coliseum this fiasco we need to review our spells and rituals.”
   Lanny returned home outraged. Specially when she heard the king just spent millions on imported beverages. And That money could be used to— rescuing the people trapped in his vanity project?!
 
   “Who is this chick are you?” asked the captain.

   She saw an opening and lunged, woundinged him in the shoulder. and another slash sent his sword flying on the water. (Some consider a participial phrase to be reserved for simultaneous action, not sequential action as is here and changing saved you a word)
   “Glory and fame awaits us!” she said. (excl. point usually deserves a loud verb)
   Everyone unsheathed their swords. Against her. (loved this)
   “I… I need intelligent and strong manly men like you!”
   Everyone had death on their faces.
   “It… it involves millions of marks!”
   Everyone relaxed and smiled. (brilliant)

   *

   The pirates accepted Lanny’s plan, but mocked her as captain. She knew nothing about the sea. They brought a chicken on board and put a mask on it. Soon enough they were calling her Red Chicken, because of her hair.

   She took the joke with grace instead of anger, gaining some sympathy. At the moment of the attack, she ordered the former captain to initiate it by throwing an egg on the enemy ship.
       
   The king’s selection of drinks exotic liquors amassed a fortune on the black market. After her crew’s share - more generous than the former captain’s - she made one million marks for herself.

   Using her privileged position, she discovered many ships with cargo that interested the king (but not the kingdom) and focused on them.   

   But in two years, Lanny “only” made five million marks. The Red Chicken was no longer a mockery, her name feared throughout the coast. But her objective was still remained very far.

   She decided to speed the rescue process things and sailed to assaulted a massive cargo of surprisingly unprotected gold that was .

   Only when arrows landed on the deck and both ships collided she realized the trap. It was no gold cargo. It was the Navy. And Lanny was confronted by the general himself. (admiral?)

     “I knew you wouldn’t resist this bait… Red Chicken.” He spat at her feet. “It’s time to die now, bitch.”

I'll stop here - you see what I'm doing. It's not clever or even important, and the gains are small, but do add up. There's probably enough by now for a handful of extra lines in case there were things you wanted to say but ran out of space.
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Offline JMack

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Re: [SEP 2016] Pirates! - Critique Thread
« Reply #22 on: November 03, 2016, 12:23:46 PM »
Thanks to @Lanko, @Alex Hormann , @Gem_Cutter and did I miss anyone? For your reviews. This is one of the few shorts I've written where I want to go back and do a full re-write taking into account all the great comments. GC, I think I'll take a swipe at a past tense version and see if I feel the same intensity I felt when writing in present.

One lesson for everyone, and it's familiar words here:
Kill your darlings.

> I needed to get rid of the conversations Rinttik hears among the Kestrel's crew, and which everyone found confusing.
> I could have taken out the "Lafttak and Rinttik fled from the palacae" stuff. I was horribly concerned with people wondering how the greenfolk got on the ship in the first place. And since I knew the "novel-length" concept for the story, I kept it in.

Now, I have a question for everyone about something that people comment on in my writing quite a bit. When I write dialogue, I try whenever possible to avoid tags: "Rinttik asked", "yelled Morwen", etc. I rely on punctuation and sequence.

Example (not from the story):

Quote
Hillary laughed, and pointed the gun at the mole in the center of her opponent's forehead. "Did you really think we would let you win, Donald? This is the Illuminti you're fucking with, you idiot."

"You wouldn't dare."

"Try me."

"You are such a nasty woman."

"People want a nasty woman. They just don't know it yet."

OK, so when I write things like this (well, sort of like this), folks tell me they don't know who is speaking when. But it's always obvious to me: The first dialogue elemnt follows an action identified with Hillary, and in the same paragraph. It's Hillary speaking. The next dialogue element is in a separate paragraph, and the prior element ended with a full quote ("), not a single quote ('). Therefore, it's Donald, the only other person mentioned in the scene. Finally, his dialogue ends with a full quote, and the next element is in a new paragraph. There's only one other person in the scene, so it's Hillary again. Etc.

Maybe this example is too obvious, but this happens pretty regularly when people read my dialogue. Can anyone help me understand this better?
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Offline The Gem Cutter

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Re: [SEP 2016] Pirates! - Critique Thread
« Reply #23 on: November 03, 2016, 02:03:19 PM »
Maybe this example is too obvious, but this happens pretty regularly when people read my dialogue. Can anyone help me understand this better?

Couple suggestions:
- Dialogue tags and other clues do several things beyond attributing speech and actions. For one, they direct the reader's mental cameraman.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
In your story there was the first moment of telepathy and my comment pinged on this very thing, but not clearly - because like a lot of readers, I didn't see the parts, only the problem - which is I dunno who said what, and also, I dunno who I should be looking at, even if I know who produced the words. It took me a minute just now to figure out why I had an issue:

Morwen smiles. “You don’t think much of my goddess. But she thinks much of you." Then she frowns. "Look west.” (I am looking at Morwen standing beside a prone Rintikk.)

Rintikk touches her fingertips to the hull of the ship. Her voice travels easily to Lafttak. He might struggle to speak through deadwood, but Rintikk's magic is much stronger than his. (I imagine Rintikk in the hold, but have forgotten where her boy-toy is)

-Beloved?-  (I don't know if this is the voice mentioned above (Rintikk to Laftak) - OR HIS REPLY TO HER SUMMONS WHICH WAS IMPLIED, OR THE MENTAL VERSION OF NON-VERBAL, OR IS THE LINK SOMETHING HE'S AWARE OF WITHOUT WORDS NEEDED?)

-Heh. You missed me- (THIS IS ALSO ambiguous, it could be her playing at his preoccupation, which has been shown)

-Quiet, idiot. Go higher. Look west- (Now it is clear who's who)
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Avoidance of tags is misplaced IMHO, as they're invisible 90% time, if you use say and ask as a rule. Rather, emphasize brevity by removing everything, including tags, that can be removed without any doubt about who said it, with an eye to moving the reader's eye, and tracking whether we are looking at one thing and hearing/responding to another - like watching Luke Skywalker destroy the Death Star, but hearing Ben Kenobi in his ear.
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Offline tebakutis

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Re: [SEP 2016] Pirates! - Critique Thread
« Reply #24 on: November 03, 2016, 05:10:10 PM »
OK, so when I write things like this (well, sort of like this), folks tell me they don't know who is speaking when. But it's always obvious to me: The first dialogue elemnt follows an action identified with Hillary, and in the same paragraph. It's Hillary speaking. The next dialogue element is in a separate paragraph, and the prior element ended with a full quote ("), not a single quote ('). Therefore, it's Donald, the only other person mentioned in the scene. Finally, his dialogue ends with a full quote, and the next element is in a new paragraph. There's only one other person in the scene, so it's Hillary again. Etc.

Maybe this example is too obvious, but this happens pretty regularly when people read my dialogue. Can anyone help me understand this better?

What you wrote is obvious to me as well. How you've formatted things is how I see dialogue presented in most of the stuff I read and write. Honestly, I'm not sure why people are getting confused.

The only tip I could offer is maybe to establish both Speaker A and Speaker B (you might remember I did a blog post on this awhile back). So just change the opening to:

Quote
Hillary laughed, and pointed the gun at the mole in the center of her opponent's forehead. "Did you really think we would let you win, Donald? This is the Illuminti you're fucking with, you idiot."

"You wouldn't dare," Donald said.

"Try me."

But honestly, your first example is clear as crystal to me as a reader. I'm not sure why anyone would have trouble knowing who was speaking.

Avoidance of tags is misplaced IMHO, as they're invisible 90% time, if you use say and ask as a rule. Rather, emphasize brevity by removing everything, including tags, that can be removed without any doubt about who said it, with an eye to moving the reader's eye, and tracking whether we are looking at one thing and hearing/responding to another - like watching Luke Skywalker destroy the Death Star, but hearing Ben Kenobi in his ear.

EDIT: Actually, re-reading what you said, Gem, it would be more accurate to say I'm coming at it from a different perspective, rather than disgreeing with you, as the only point we're really differing on is that they're invisible. I do agree with you that you should remove them when they're not needed.

When I'm reading, dialogue tags do slow me down if they're overused, especially in a fast exchange between two characters. I really do feel they're unnecessary in a two person conversation.

Once you've established there are only two characters conversing, and established which one speaks first, dialogue tags are unnecessary. A conversation without them reads and feels cleaner to me, while using a dialogue tag when we already know who's speaking is clunky. It feels like the author is repeating themselves.
« Last Edit: November 03, 2016, 05:11:50 PM by tebakutis »

Offline The Gem Cutter

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Re: [SEP 2016] Pirates! - Critique Thread
« Reply #25 on: November 03, 2016, 06:13:58 PM »
Allow me to clarify, as we're in mostly in agreement Eric. But where we diverge is where Jmack's issue resides.

"I really do feel they're unnecessary in a two person conversation. " In this easiest situation, you're often, but not always right.

"Once you've established there are only two characters conversing, and established which one speaks first, dialogue tags are unnecessary." Not always.

These and other potentially (not always) situations that must be carefully considered before tags are removed/not provided:

- If the topic they're discussing is complex or weighty enough to send the reader down a rabbit hole - something that will take a moment to fully appreciate.
- If someone speaks twice in a row
- If a character quotes a previous conversation (esp. himself, which is worse)
- If a character references someone or something else (scripture, etc.) (even with tags, the he-said/she-saids can become confusing)
- If they are not in the same place/room.
- If there are other characters in the room, even if silent, in the right circumstances (esp. if speakers occasionally talk to the group ((plural "you"))
- If they are the same gender, in some situations

There are probably many more. Hence my caution. So while I don't advocate an endless series of "saids", neither do I advocate chunks of unattributed dialogue, whether the attributions arise from tags, stage direction, etc. In other words, if the stretch of dialogue is long enough for "tag-drag", then the dialogue probably needs to be broken up.

"A conversation without them reads and feels cleaner to me, while using a dialogue tag when we already know who's speaking is clunky. It feels like the author is repeating themselves."

This is partly a matter of taste. You're operating on assumption, which often works, which is why assumption exists.

But consider, the issues you describe are, by definition, excluded from your assertion: of course, if we know who's speaking, tags are unneeded. The issue is situations when we don't know who is speaking. Then, clearly, they're needed. The issues we are discussing now are those situations when obvious attribution is absent and needed. This outcome is the objective - not the technique.

Jmack has said he has issues of clarity arising from multiple readers.

My position is that clarity must come first. If the text is confusing, the story stops in the reader's mind while s/he sorts it out. "Stopped" is slower than "clunky", so my advice is to achieve clarity, and then carefully trim things back, tags included, until it's as brief, clean, and smooth as possible - without damaging or even risking clarity.

I believe most will agree that it is more efficient and effective to work from clarity toward brevity than the reverse. Working from brief to clear is harder than trimming the "reader instructions" where they are unneeded. And Murphy's Law applies in the world of uncertainty of writing - given the choice, would you rather the average line of dialogue be potentially unclear, or include the occasionally unneeded tag?

"I think the answer is clear," Gem Cutter said. "Even if the principals behind it are not."
« Last Edit: November 03, 2016, 06:16:59 PM by Gem_Cutter »
The Gem Cutter
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Offline Lanko

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Re: [SEP 2016] Pirates! - Critique Thread
« Reply #26 on: November 03, 2016, 07:40:22 PM »
Maybe he could just include an action beat or two, even if unnecessary to identify who is talking, could add a little more character and also avoid "talking heads" syndrome.
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Offline Lady Ty

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Re: [SEP 2016] Pirates! - Critique Thread
« Reply #27 on: November 03, 2016, 11:40:01 PM »
@Jmack
Quote
Now, I have a question for everyone about something that people comment on in my writing quite a bit. When I write dialogue, I try whenever possible to avoid tags: "Rinttik asked", "yelled Morwen", etc. I rely on punctuation and sequence.

Brief comment as a reader, I prefer this style by far and find constant tags annoying and old fashioned. I also dislike the overuse of actual names, it feels like being force fed who they are. The actual nature of each separate sentence in the conversation can define which character is speaking, by style, choice of phrase,individual quirks or similar differentiation, even if only occasional or subtle.

A few of the stories lately have been fully dialogue style and this suits certain stories perfectly, especially where there are elements of humour. Bit biased here because it is the only style I am comfortable to try and write. ;)

A fairly long passage of dialogue can convey action, character traits or plotlines more easily and quickly than a dense paragraph of explanation, but it does need to be broken up with shorter paragraphs to show some points in more detail or to move action elsewhere.

ETA All comments above subject to recognise and agree with practicality of exceptions outlined  by @Gem_Cutter although still prefer a writer found a way to avoid tags as much as possible.


- If the topic they're discussing is complex or weighty enough to send the reader down a rabbit hole - something that will take a moment to fully appreciate.
- If someone speaks twice in a row
- If a character quotes a previous conversation (esp. himself, which is worse)
- If a character references someone or something else (scripture, etc.) (even with tags, the he-said/she-saids can become confusing)
- If they are not in the same place/room.
- If there are other characters in the room, even if silent, in the right circumstances (esp. if speakers occasionally talk to the group ((plural "you"))
- If they are the same gender, in some situations

« Last Edit: November 04, 2016, 03:08:31 AM by Lady_Ty »
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Offline Lanko

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Re: [SEP 2016] Pirates! - Critique Thread
« Reply #28 on: November 04, 2016, 09:39:04 PM »
Some more critiques coming up!

Tales From the Sea: Captain Longbraid and the Purple Kraken, by @night_wrtr:

Spoiler for Hiden:

Something Awesome: That was probably the most creative setting of the whole batch of stories. We can even believe they are real pirates, then see some things a bit off, then suspect something and then it gets 100% confirmed later!

Also, the "pirate language" used was very well done.

Something Boring: ---

Something Confusing: Nothing, really. But for everything they did I thought they were outside the house, but I guess that's more to praise on their imagination  ::)

Something Unbelievable: ---

This may seem a short critique card, but there wasn't anything illogical, wrong or out of place to point out. The only thing the story missed for more "oomph" were more quotable, punchy lines like in your previous one.


Friendly Fire, by @Osahon

Spoiler for Hiden:
Something Awesome: I liked the second person and that the main character was an old man preparing to retire. It looked different he was not a young, kick-ass pirate.

Something Boring: The overuse of the words "you" and "your". I think a lot of them could have been cut and some passages written as inner thoughts and dialogue.

Something Confusing: You begin saying Jonah is the captain's son of the sea and he will make an excellent captain and that his real son was a failure and disgrace. But we see he is too young, the crew is shocked by the prospect he is gonna be captain and even the captain himself starts doubting it. Even if he's pretending. 

Something Unbelievable: While a nice plot twist, it didn't actually make any sense for Jonah to kill the entire crew and ship he had just received on a silver plate.
With three more ships at his command, he would easily establish authority, whether with respect or out of fear. And if he was that good, why pretend he wasn't? That would make the captain and the crew look at him favorably and makes things easier.
The only thing I can think of is that he simply wanted the treasure and killing everyone meant less people to share with, but that also means it was a pretty competent crew he could easily use for more plunder, as he was very young.

Extra: I think your story was posted on the brink of time, just like mine, and you didn't have much time to edit, hence why it repeated so many "you" and "your".

For example, the opening, what could we make with it?

Quote
You look old and tired now. You see your reflection in the mirror and your face is riddled with scars, each one telling a story. You brush your hand over the scar that cuts across your left eye and you never forget the horrors of that day.

You are tired and old, the reflection in the mirror shows a face riddled with scars, each one telling a story. The one that cuts across your left eye a memory from a day too horrible to ever forget.

8 "you/your" reduced to 2.

Quote
You wonder if some members of the crew still don’t understand why you are leaving all you have ever known and you wonder what they think about you. How many curses have they laid upon your head? You see Viros staring at you out of the corners of her eyes, and you wonder if she prayed that the waters would rise against you and swallow you up.

Here you also repeat "wonder" a lot. Let's see how we could change it:

Some members still look puzzled as you walk across the deck. They can't understand why you are leaving behind everything you've ever known. Even Viros is staring out of the corners of her eyes.
How many curses have she laid upon my head, praying for the waters to rise and swallow me up?

11 "you/yours" down to 3. And even removed all the "wonders" by making it an inner thought, so we don't even need it as a tag!

Overall your style is good, I think the only thing that prevented your story from having more "oomph" was lack of time to edit it more, as you posted it on October, 1st.
Heh, I can actually relate to this situation, and I'm curious to see what you will pull off in the next contest!
« Last Edit: November 04, 2016, 10:24:57 PM by Lanko »
Slow and steady wins the race.

Lanko's Year in Books 2019

Offline Osahon

Re: [SEP 2016] Pirates! - Critique Thread
« Reply #29 on: November 04, 2016, 10:24:39 PM »
Tales From the Sea: Captain Longbraid and the Purple Kraken, by @night_wrtr:

Spoiler for Hiden:

Something Awesome: That was probably the most creative setting of the whole batch of stories. We can even believe they are real pirates, then see some things a bit off, then suspect something and then it gets 100% confirmed later!

Also, the "pirate language" used was very well done.

Something Boring: ---

Something Confusing: Nothing, really. But for everything they did I thought they were outside the house, but I guess that's more to praise on their imagination  ::)

Something Unbelievable: ---

This may seem a short critique card, but there wasn't anything illogical, wrong or out of place to point out. I guess the only thing that could be added for more "oomph" would be more quotable or punch lines like in your previous story. 


Friendly Fire, by Osahon

Spoiler for Hiden:
Something Awesome: I liked the second person and that the main character was an old man preparing to retire. It looked different he was not a young, kick-ass pirate.

Something Boring: The overuse of the words "you" and "your".

Something Confusing: You begin saying Jonah is the captain's son of the sea and he will make an excellent captain and that his real son was a failure and disgrace.



Thanks @Lanko! I definitely did overdo on the use of "you" and "your." This was my first time ever writing in second person, so I guess you could say I'm still figuring it out :D