Mini crits Mighty Beasts
Great opening line. In fact, strong prose all the way through. Nice, flowing sentences. Strong voice. I had to go through some of the author’s posts to identify who they were as it was great quality and I didn’t recognise the name so much. Thoroughly depressing atmosphere in the house. Nice graphic chicken decapitation, though a missing d on toppled broke the sentence. Couple of the descriptions could have been a little less flowery but done the same job.
i.e. A sandy haired scrubby thing, white as chalk with a bulging skeleton seeping through his thin skin
could have been A sandy haired scrubby thing, his skeleton straining through chalky white skin.
There were a few nuts like this that could have been tightened, but in general that was a solidly built story (if a bit dour for my taste).@m3mnoch
ooo… a picture…
Nice to see we’re eschewing starting our stories with names. Opening sentence felt a bit like the sap was snapping, which disjointed me a bit right at the start.
I liked the pacing but sometimes there was a little repetition within a few sentences; snow, bear that sort of thing. Enjoyed the humanity the author brought to their beast, its sorrow on its discovery. It was a nice concept. Not sure a face can ripple with dread though… slacken? Tense? Don’t think it needed Adax to run at the end, I went from thinking he was worried and hurrying to thinking he was terrified and fleeing.@tebakutis
A name in the first paragraph. For some reason that’s really sticking out for me now. I’m probably developing a sort of phobia. Which is a shame as I loved almost everything else about that opening paragraph. Apart from the fact that the second paragraph should have been part of the first. Bit of “corridor” repetition as we went on. Good sense of drama and emergency. Nice to see a little diversity making it to the writing comp. Dialogue wasn’t bad, but a little predictable. Whole thing had a kind of Neon Genesis/ Pacific Rim vibe to it. Very enjoyable.@Nora
nice opening – would have swapped “a too dangerous one to keep around” to “just one too dangerous to keep around” to read easier, might just be personal preference though.
A visual cue when swapping from story to dialogue would have been handy, but mostly I made the transitions without too much fuss. I feel like the world was wonderfully imagined, it seems a shame for the author to have felt it was sub par. And it had a dragon. Everyone loves a dragon. Bit of repetition of “claws” in the fight. Really like this one, and didn’t even need the music for it.@wakarimasen
All hail Abbathor! Long live D&D…@Jmack
Book of Job was a bit of a revelation (ahhh biblical puns eh?)
Something about the start felt weaker than the author’s usual efforts. Possibly it could have been dropped entirely, put us in with the sailor discovering the coffin?
I liked the ethereal quality to the world after the storm, very dreamlike. “Flat as a threshing floor” was nice. Liked the way we learn about the King’s past as a sailor and how it changes our initial opinion of the man. The dialogue mostly left me a little cold, apart from when she laments that the priestess used to be a friend, that seemed more real.@Henry
Opening sentence was nice but felt a little mechanical. I’d have been happier just knowing “Thu tied clipped her carabiner to the harness that ran up the long neck of her cloud eater.” I get the same sense of height and the same curiosity about both situation and beast from that. The explanation about what she did in different weathers was nice, but left me a bit confused about what the weather was at the time. Liked the culture that was evoked, felt well fleshed out, but that third para (round the fire) seemed to serve little purpose plot wise. @Rukaio_Alter
I liked all of this. The first sentence could have gone, but the dialogue was amusing and free flowing. Find it hard to point to something to helpfully crit. Better description of mind bending chaos perhaps?
Bloody Kevin eh? @Elfy
Was the second sentence necessary? In general there was quite a lot of repetition of Jack’s name. Something about this one made me stumble a bit, I just couldn’t engage with it. It felt like much of it was unnecessary. The conversation between Jack and Alison could have been one line almost. The action against the bunyip had introspection on weapon type crammed into a space which supposedly had him scrambling to load a spear. That broke the pace for me. It was a nice, refreshing setting though and it would be great to delve deeper into the fantastical nature of Aboriginal legends. @night_wrtr
Not sure you can crawl to your feet. Name in first sentence (cuthulu’s knackers I’m becoming obsessed with that). Second few sentences could be paired down a bit, I got completely lost in “dead or dying and the other half ran as fast and as far away as they could”. The shorter sentences were much stronger, gave a better sense of vezz. I liked the “no one to tell” black humour. The action parts were snappier but didn’t need all those paragraph breaks. Built good tension toward the end.
Felt a little expositionary. Some of the dialogue was unneeded, getting things to eat and what have you. It diffused the pace so there was not much sense of impeding, species threatening, extinction traumas. The serpent beast came and went without much fuss, seemed odd. Would have liked to have that as more of the focus rather than the meal in the canteen for instance. Perhaps telling us about his daughter at the start would have helped develop some bond with the Cap?@ArcaneArtsVelho
Liked the first para as a whole, but “blood flecked spit” might have been a more economic use of language and the repetition of hands was noticeable. His sudden recovery seemed unlikely, not sure even terror can motivate through that level of physical exhaustion. +1 for Dragon. Love Dragons. Liked the dialogue, the Dragon seemed suitably calm and unfussed.@Raptori
Refreshing format. Nice punchy delivery, but not sure every para break was needed. Had a Lovecraftian flavour to it. Liked “Once you see the curtain move, it stands out like a signal fire.” For the sense of dread it implied I the watcher, subtle touches like that are really nice. Made me think of the bird depicted in the Nazca lines.