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Author Topic: [May 2015] - Fairytales - Submission Thread  (Read 10960 times)

Offline ArcaneArtsVelho

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Re: [May 2015] - Fairytales - Submission Thread
« Reply #15 on: May 31, 2015, 09:21:03 PM »
Phew, done!

I want to apologise in advance for this mishmash of fairy tale, fable, and Greek mythology, the weirdness of the story, the weak handling of different sexual orientations, and most of all for (probably) the most indifferent southern accent you will ever read.  :-[

1500 words including the title.

Spoiler for Hiden:
The Grumpy Old Man

Once upon a time there was a boy who lived in a village by a great forest and high mountains. The boy was in love with a girl, but the girl thought the boy was ugly, so she liked another boy better. That other boy, in turn, was partial to the first boy. So it seemed like things weren’t going to turn out well for any of them. Most of that is irrelevant to this story, though. You see, the first boy had a pet chipmunk, called Billy-Bob. He wasn’t your ordinary pet chipmunk (if there is such a thing). No. Long ago, a fairy queen had given Billy-Bob magical powers and the ability to speak to humans and  creatures alike. The fairy had never asked anything in return for the powers he (Yes, the fairy queen was a man. Go figure) had granted the chipmunk. Not until that faithful day.


The fairy queen danced from his forest, fluttering his wings and brandishing his magic wand. “Bob! It’s good to see you again”, he said, stopping near the chipmunk who was splitting firewood. “Regrettably I come with ill tidings.”

“Pleased to see you too, Ma’am. But the name’s Billy-Bob”, said Billy-Bob with his drawled accent.

“It’s Sir”, muttered the fairy. (There was much confusion about the gender of the fairies. They all danced and pranced much the same and were fairly androgynous by appearance and voice.) “BILLY-Bob, I have a colossal favour to ask of you. There’s an evil witch up on the tall mountains, who threatens to destroy our beloved forest and this... cosy village of yours.” The fairy sneered when he looked at the two houses, three pig-farms, and six hovels that comprised the village.

“I don’t know, Ma’am. That sounds mighty dangerous. All y’all fairies ought to know that we chipmunks don’t like them tall trees or them high mountains. Climbin’ scares us.”

“Should we know that?” the fairy wondered. “Anyway, you’re not an ordinary chipmunk, are you? You do remember that it was I who made you special?”

Billy-Bob frowned. “Look, Ma’am, I’m mighty grateful for all that magic and them words you’ve given me, but that doesn’t mean I’ll take kindly on you twistin’ my arm like that.”

“Sorry, I didn’t mean it. I’m just a little stressed at the moment.”

“I understand, Ma’am”, Billy-Bob said. He had always been quick to forgive.

A bulb lit up over the fairy’s head. “I have heard that the witch has a gigantic golden acorn. You can have it if you deal with the witch.”

“A gigantic acorn?” Billy-Bob’s eyes widened. “That’s one of the few things that is better than a normal acorn. I’ll do it.”


Billy-Bob said farewells to his owner (who was flabbergasted, since Billy-Bob hadn’t spoken to him earlier) and took a deep breath before marching into the forest. He hadn’t travelled for very long when an owl flew on a branch in front of him.

“Good day, Sir!” greeted Billy-Bob. “Do you live around here?”

“To know what question to ask is, as such, part of the answer”, uttered the owl.

“Riiight”, said Billy-Bob. “Would Sir be so kind as to tell me the best way to the evil witch’s lair up on them mountains over yonder.”

The owl didn’t turn to look at the mountains Billy-Bob pointed at. “There are many paths to one’s destination, but only someone who has travelled them all knows which is the best.”

“So that’s a no, Sir? Are you some kinda wisdomous owl?”

“Sapient is the word he searches for.”

“No Sir. I’m searchin’ for the witch’s lair. So do you know where on them mountains it is?” Billy-Bob was getting indignant.

“A question with an answer inside it is futile.”

“That might be, but it’s heck of a lot less irritatin’ than an answer without an answer!” Billy-Bob puffed and stormed off.

“Beware the end of the rainbow” said the owl, but Billy-Bob didn’t care for his drivels.


Our fearless chipmunk soldiered on, reaching soon the foothills of the mountain. There a huge Minotaur awaited him, standing next to a wide wall that had but a single door. “Who approaches the Labyrinth?” asked the Minotaur with a thundering voice.

“Name’s Billy-Bob, Sir.” The chipmunk was barely wary of the hulking creature.

The Minotaur let out a raspy cough. “Hi”, he said, now in a high pitched and mellow tone. “Sorry, that’s my work voice. I’m Mino.”

“It’s mighty fine to meet you, Mino Sir. Would you be able to tell me how I can get to the witch’s lair?”

“Sure. Just go through Labyrinth.”

Billy-Bob frowned. “You mean there’s a maze? I’m afraid I’m no good with directions.”

“Oh no, you misunderstood me. Look”, Mino said and opened the door, revealing a straight path of crushed walls going through the maze. “People always got lost, and when I tried to help them they would run away screaming, you know. So I thought that why the hell not, let’s make it a little easier for them.”

Billy-Bob smiled and stepped on the path. “Thanks, Mino Sir! This makes my trip much easier. Hope to see you again soon!”

“See you! And beware the end of the rainbow.”

“What does that mean?”

Mino shrugged and waved a goodbye. “It just something one crazy owl keeps telling me.”


After a few hours of climbing, Billy-Bob reached a flat where a centaur and a dragon sat side by side, looking quite down in the mouth.

“Good day!” said Billy-Bob. “Why y’all so gloomy on a beautiful day like this?”

“You would be too if you had our problems”, said the centaur. The dragon merely sighed.

“Well I’m Billy-Bob, the magical chipmunk. Tell me them problems y’all are having, and maybe I can help.”

The two looked at each other and shrugged. “I’m afraid of heights. What good are wings on a dragon who’s too afraid to fly?” muttered the dragon.

“And I’m sick and tired of walking on these harsh mountain roads. My hooves are so sore”, snapped the centaur.

Billy-Bob rubbed his chin, pondering. Then he raised up his index finger and exclaimed, “I could change them wings from one of you to the other.”

The dragon and the centaur looked at each other, again, and started laughing. “Why don’t you just swap our heads then”, the dragon mocked.

Billy-Bob was glad the others cheered up a bit, but he didn’t like the ridicule. “Fine by me”, he said and wiggled his tiny tail.

The heads of the others changed places. The dragon bodied centaur took flight straight away. “Yippee!” he screamed, flying off.

“This isn’t quite what I wanted”, moaned the centaur bodied dragon, but the chipmunk considered the job done and headed for the witch’s lair which was a little ways up on the mountain.


There were no guards at the door of the lair, nor inside. The chipmunk hero tiptoed along a long corridor and to a room at the end of it. In that room, there he was, the evil witch. (Yes, the witch was also a man; sorry J. K. R., but male witches are not wizards, but witches. Jeez!)

And snuggling with the witch was the fairy queen.

“What on earth?” marvelled Billy-Bob. “What are you doing, Ma’am? My momma always said that you shouldn’t go huggin’ folks that are mean.”

“There was a misunderstanding”, said the fairy. “George the Witch here didn’t really want to destroy the forest but only to conquer my heart.”

“What about my quest? And my prize?”

“You wanted the acorn?” asked George. “Help yourself to it. Its in the treasury. Just beware the end of the rainbow.”

Billy-Bob was pissed off as he shuffled to the treasury and didn’t want to ask about that rainbow business although it was the third time he had heard it. But when he saw the enormous golden acorn he was overjoyed. Rushing to the acorn, he tried to sink his teeth into it. His two front teeth broke. “I can’t eat this”, sniffled Billy-Bob.

“There isn’t always happiness at the end of the rainbow”, stated the fairy.


Billy-Bob returned to the village, defeated. While he was gone, the other boy had told the first boy how he felt, and since the first boy had little chances on getting the girl (who liked the other boy), he agreed to date him. At that point the girl had seen what a fool she had been and asked the boys if they liked a threesome. They answered yes. And they all lived happily ever after. All except Billy-Bob.


*****


“What’s the moral?” asked one of the children listening.

“A moral? Damned if I know”, said the grumpy old man who had told the story. “Don’t go on stupid quests? And explore your sexuality?” The kids stared at the man. “Who the hell even wants to hear fairy tales these days. Go game with your PlayBoxes and smart tablets! Scram!”

EDIT: Added a fairly important question mark near the end of the story.
« Last Edit: June 01, 2015, 12:32:43 PM by ArcaneArtsVelho »
Everything I wrote above is pure conjecture. I don't know what I'm talking about.

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Re: [May 2015] - Fairytales - Submission Thread
« Reply #16 on: May 31, 2015, 10:48:08 PM »
word count: 1494

"That Time When the Fairy Godmothers Went on Strike"

Spoiler for Hiden:

Once upon a time, when greedy damsels had endless wishes and took all magic for granted, the Fairy Godmothers went on strike. They had slaved day after day to bring happy endings to all the princesses, fair maidens, and scullery maids of the world. After a hundred centuries or so of this non-stop service, they had exhausted themselves. They wanted a break, a well-deserved holiday. So they dumped their work on their husbands, sat back, and did nothing for a good long while.

---------------------
In a Kingdom far away, the Princess Sophia spent the day getting ready for the arrival of her future husband, Prince Hugo. They were to be introduced and then promptly married. So naturally, when later that evening a dashing young man with dark, stormy eyes and a jaw of sculpted marble arrived at the castle, she, and everyone else, assumed it was her husband-to-be. After all, who but the man she was to marry could be so handsome?

"My prince, I have been counting down the days until our wedding." Princess Sophia approached, her hand held out for him to kiss.

"Likewise, milady." Maedoc unveiled a toothy grin beneath the illusion he'd fashioned. Then, with the grace of an orangutan and the practiced ease of a pubescent teenager, he bowed, bringing his dewy lips to the back of her hand.

"May we have a private moment away from the party?" Maedoc crooned throatily.

"Certainly, my Prince." She giggled at his nervousness as they moved towards the balcony. Princess Sophia's breath caught in her throat as she stepped into the cool evening air. The sky flickered with stars and the moon cast a pale glow upon the castle walls. "What a beautiful night."

"You are the beautiful one," Maedoc responded, looking towards the sky. He expected something to happen soon, something more than just lights in the sky. He squelched a cackle when he saw it. One star, amidst the thousands, twitched. Then it fell, running across the sky in jubilant glory. Magicians, of course, knew falling stars held power when combined with a first kiss. That power, for those who could direct it, could do just about anything from restoring youth to raising the dead.

"I love you!" Their voices rang out in unison as they kissed, both with hunger and passion, though for different reasons. Maedoc lingered and Sophia began coughing. His breath tasted sulfurous and rotten, and was clearly not the kiss of a Prince.

Sophia pulled herself away and staggered backwards from the creature that stood  before her. "You're not my prince!" Maedoc's illusion fell and before her stood a decrepit old hunchback. He squinted at Sophia through sunken, greedy eyes. His hair fell around his face in a wispy tonsure and his once toothy grin now featured more gum than tooth.

"How astute of you, milady," he slurped. "You are correct. I am no prince, and in a moment you will be no princess." Maedoc allowed himself to indulge in an gleeful cackle and a victory jig. As he danced, his back straightened and his hair grew and regained its color. The lines on his face grew taut and youth came roaring back into his body. When the transformation was complete, the once feeble warlock stood heads taller than the average man, with thick, dark hair and a beard that shamed even the hairiest of Dwarves.

As Maedoc grew younger, Sophia grew older. Her face crumpled and her body bent. She cried in horror as she lost her beauty to the wicked curse. Her blonde curls greyed and fell out in clumps. Weakness overcame her limbs and she toppled to the ground, her face smeared with tears of pain and age.

The King and Queen noticed their daughter's absence. As good and suspicious parents, they left the party to search for Sophia, who they hoped was not in flagrante delicto with her husband-to-be. With horror, they rushed out to find their crumpled daughter and the gloating warlock.

"What have you done to my daughter?" the King raged, drawing his sword.

"I've taken her youth and vitality. I've taken her spirit and love. I've taken her happy ending." Maedoc laughed, deep and melodious, and with a wave of his hand turned the sword against the King, impaling him where he stood. He fell, dying.

At that moment, Prince Hugo arrived, clad in steel armor gilded with gold and encrusted with fine gems (he had clearly been hoping to make a fine first impression). He unsheathed his great sword and knelt down at Sophia's side, hoping to protect her. That is, until he saw her face.

He pulled her close and immediately blanched. "Your so... old," he said bluntly, disgust plain on his annoyingly handsome features. "No thanks, I didn't sign up for this. If I save you, I'm going to have to marry you. That isn't happening. Have at her, warlock." The prince dropped Sophia and retreated, leaving the castle atop his white steed at full gallop.

---------------------
"So you're just going to let this happen, eh?" questioned the Fairy Godfather.

"Yep. That Princess is crazy anyway. Trust me. Totally deserves it." The Fairy Godmother reclined easily, sipping at her scotch and ambrosia cocktail. "Just keep rubbing, honey." She wiggled her toes and motioned towards the fat bunion on her left foot. "Pay special attention to that one."

"Yes, dear… but our Princess is in need." He looked back into the crystal ball where he'd been watching the unfortunate evening unfold, only to see Sophia's father cut down by his own sword. "See?"

Sophia's Fairy Godmother wiggled her toes suggestively once more. "I've told you I'm not going. If you care so much, you go. Just be quick about it. It's high time the Fairy Godfathers were involved with their Godchildren anyway." With a snap, her wand appeared in her hand. "I'll be waiting for you right here." She tossed the wand over and winked. "My wings are next. The last thousand years of constant flapping has done a number on them. Been flying crooked for the last decade. That's gonna take a lot of rubbin' to fix." She smiled sweetly. "Good luck sweetums."

"Right..." He groaned and disappeared with a dejected pop.

---------------------
"Ha! I knew chivalry was dead. So long, Princess!" Glowing with his newfound youth and power, Maedoc shifted into the form of a large raven, cawed victoriously, and flapped away into the night.

The Princess's sobbing, the Queen's muttering shock, and the King's wheezing deathrattle were the the only remaining sounds, but then something popped. Sophia looked up from her puddle of despair to find a fairy, inches tall, floating in front of her.

"What do you want?" she croaked between wails. "You're probably just someone else come to ruin my life, right?" She broke into a fresh bout of loud crying.

"No, Princess. I am your Fairy Godfather. Your Fairy Godmother is, uh, taking a sabbatical. But I am here to give you your happy ending." He puffed out his chest and wiggled his wand in a manner that suggested magical things were about to occur. That never failed to cheer up a Princess.

"Right..." Sophia's withered face squinted at her Fairy Godfather. "You're a little late, don't you think? My youth has been stolen, my beloved father is dying, and my dear, sweet, handsome, idiotic, jackass, coward of a Prince has left me." And another fresh round of sobs blubbered out.

"Right. Quite right, indeed. We can still turn this around though. Don't you worry. We'll get you looking young and bouncy again, I'll do a little fairy voodoo on your father, and we'll change the Prince into something more obedient. Doesn't that sound nice?" he asked hopefully.

Sophia sniffed and nodded, mollified for the moment.

"Great! Here goes something." He stepped back and raised his wand.

Magic exploded outward in streaks power and light, wrapping around Sophia and the King. Another streak of fairy magic shot off into the distance to find the Prince. Mere moments passed and Sophia found her youth perhaps more than restored, her father healed, and a fat cat with a familiar royal disposition at the castle gates carrying a decapitated raven in its mouth. A princely apology.

"Ha! I knew this job wasn't hard. See, happy ending. Easy peasy. Anything else, Princess?" The Fairy Godfather dusted off his hands and turned around to see Sophia slipping a jar over his head.
 
"Shit." That was about the only word that came to mind. He suddenly understood why the Fairy Godmothers had gone on strike.

Princesses were crazy.

Sophia squealed in delight, the night's tribulations forgotten. She pressed her face up against the jar and smiled. "If you ever leave me, Fairy Godfather…" Her eyes grew wide. "I'll fiiiiind you." She laughed and skipped back into the castle with her cat, her Fairy, and her peculiar happy ending.

And Princess Sophia did indeed live happily ever after.

Offline Raptori

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Re: [May 2015] - Fairytales - Submission Thread
« Reply #17 on: June 01, 2015, 01:21:50 PM »
The Wisdom Of The Wind (1488 words)

Thanks again to @Jmack for helping us come up with an ending!  :P

Spoiler for Hiden:
The princess grew up hearing tales of others just like her, brave victims of the politics was all they ever were. To heal a rift or seal a pact or bring a line new life, men traded them across the land to be some stranger's wife. While her parents felt resigned that that would be her fate, the princess fought to change her path before it was too late. She went to pay a visit to the wise man that she knew, she told the man her problem, then she asked him what to do.

The wise man couldn't tell the girl what she wanted to hear, but he knew how to find a way to dodge her greatest fear. "Your marriage doesn't have to be a curse upon your heart, imagine if instead we found your soul's true counterpart!"

The princess sighed and shook her head, and said with certainty, "A thousand years would not be time to find the one for me."

The man leaned in and took her hand and looked her in the eye, and said "There is a way to find the one before you die. It takes such skill and knowledge that the task is beyond me--I lack the wit to call the wind and make it hear my plea. But I hear rumours that despite the fact you are so young, you quickly learn to speak and sing in any foreign tongue."

The princess nodded and some hope began to touch her face--perhaps her future might not be quite such a fearsome place.

"Nature can tell you many things if you can understand, and it could help you find the man most worthy of your hand. The leaves can tell the season and sometimes the time of day, the rays of light that split the gloom can help you find your way. The birds know secrets that could help you leap into the sky, the trees hoard hidden knowledge of the times that have gone by."

"But all that knowledge pales before the wisdom of the wind, whispered to the trees up where the branches are most thinned. It comes from far and wide and tells great tales of distant lands, and if you learn to speak its tongue it will heed your commands. Ask it to search for one whose heart is noble, brave, and true, then once it finds someone who fits, to bring the news to you."

At once the princess felt the weight of worry fade away, she thanked the man, then left so she could learn without delay.

For weeks she ventured deep into a nearby wood each night, she climbed the trees to find the wind and listened with delight. The words were soft and subtle but the princess understood, she used her keen, bright intellect and learned all that she could. She learned to speak, and soon she thought to put it to the test--she called the wind, and when it came, she thought it seemed impressed.

Fair maiden, I must say your voice rings loud and clear and true, if I can help you in some way, please tell me what to do.

“I thank you for taking the time to speak to one like me, I'm sure you know I’ve always loved to hear your melody. I’d love to say I’ve called you here to have a friendly chat--but I want to change my future, and I ask your help with that.“

“The fact I am a princess means my life is not just mine, I want to help my country thrive, and see my culture shine. To help with this I’ll wed a prince from some strange far off place, but even so, I wish to feel my one true love’s embrace. So what I want to ask of you is not a simple thing, I need to find a noble prince who could make my heart sing.”

The girl agreed to meet the wind each night in that same place, the wind agreed to take the task, and disappeared in haste. The wind went searching every day as far as it could go, it came back every night without a single name to show. So many princes were noble in nothing but their name--the wind thought they were unworthy, despite all of their fame.

Eventually it found a prince quite unlike all the rest, he didn’t care for fame or power, they made him depressed. Instead he wanted to protect and serve as best he could, he cared about his legacy and did his people good. The wind watched him for many days until it could be sure, it had to know the prince’s soul was honest, kind, and pure.

The moment it was certain, the wind searched for the princess, and told her it had found her prince--its quest was a success!

The princess was ecstatic when the wind told her the news, she sent the prince a letter, and hoped he would not refuse. She told no-one what she had done and kept to her routine, she wished to get to know her prince without them being seen.

A single week had come and gone before the prince appeared, he brought some trade agreements that his country volunteered. He met the king and argued that their nations should be friends, or that at least some extra trade would pay some dividends. The king agreed in principle but asked to take some time, since transformations with such scope could change the paradigm. The prince concurred, and said that he could stay a month or two--now he could do his duty and could meet the princess too.

Because he had a good excuse for staying near to her, she could now get to know the man without causing a stir. They danced around each other, gave their friendship space to grow, their awkward conversations soon began to soar and flow. They liked each other more with every minute that they shared, their friendship went from strength to strength and romance quickly flared.

When the treaty was completed and ready to be signed, the prince and princess felt their hearts were well and truly twined. Despite the fact they hadn’t known each other very long, they declared that their love was true and always would be strong. Before he had to leave, the prince decided to propose, the princess accepted and said he was the one she chose.

They journeyed to the prince’s land and met his family, the king gave them permission, so they married by the sea.

Happily ever after? Oh, if only it was so. It turns out blissful marriage isn’t easy to bestow. Their bad habits began to drive each other up the wall, despite the fact that really they were happy overall. Some snoring here, a snicker there, somebody picks their nose, and then before you know it the two lovers become foes.

Because they loved each other they could always disengage, until the prince’s humming made the princess boil with rage. He mangled every song he knew and couldn’t keep in tune, the princess said he had to stop or she would leave him soon.

The wind had watched them all this while--it liked to see love grow, and seeing them together made it feel a happy glow. But when it saw them fight it felt a deep anxiety, if this prince didn’t fit the bill then would anybody? It felt it must honour the pledge it made to the princess, so it decided it would try to help them with this mess.

The problem was a simple one but had no easy fix, it couldn’t help the prince hold back with any clever tricks. It couldn’t help the princess close her ear to what she heard, it couldn’t turn the sounds into something that she preferred.

But that was it--the solution was simple and quite small--the wind could stop the sounds from reaching the princess at all! Each time the prince began to hum or sing under his breath, it caught the sounds and curled them up and made them meet their death.

The princess noticed quickly when the humming disappeared, she felt a wave of sweet relief so strong she almost cheered. She saw her husband’s mouth still moved, and started to suspect--she watched a while, and then was sure what had caused the effect.

She went onto a balcony that she had lined with trees, then she sang out in that strange tongue that could call down the breeze. Just like before, the wind appeared and they talked like old friends, eventually the princess asked if she could make amends. She worried that the wind had spent too much time helping out, she even offered worship, and she said she’d be devout.

The wind thanked her for offering but said it was okay, all it wanted was to see them happy every day.
« Last Edit: June 01, 2015, 01:34:58 PM by Raptori »
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