The Grumpy Old Man
Once upon a time there was a boy who lived in a village by a great forest and high mountains. The boy was in love with a girl, but the girl thought the boy was ugly, so she liked another boy better. That other boy, in turn, was partial to the first boy. So it seemed like things weren’t going to turn out well for any of them. Most of that is irrelevant to this story, though. You see, the first boy had a pet chipmunk, called Billy-Bob. He wasn’t your ordinary pet chipmunk (if there is such a thing). No. Long ago, a fairy queen had given Billy-Bob magical powers and the ability to speak to humans and creatures alike. The fairy had never asked anything in return for the powers he (Yes, the fairy queen was a man. Go figure) had granted the chipmunk. Not until that faithful day.
The fairy queen danced from his forest, fluttering his wings and brandishing his magic wand. “Bob! It’s good to see you again”, he said, stopping near the chipmunk who was splitting firewood. “Regrettably I come with ill tidings.”
“Pleased to see you too, Ma’am. But the name’s Billy-Bob”, said Billy-Bob with his drawled accent.
“It’s Sir”, muttered the fairy. (There was much confusion about the gender of the fairies. They all danced and pranced much the same and were fairly androgynous by appearance and voice.) “BILLY-Bob, I have a colossal favour to ask of you. There’s an evil witch up on the tall mountains, who threatens to destroy our beloved forest and this... cosy village of yours.” The fairy sneered when he looked at the two houses, three pig-farms, and six hovels that comprised the village.
“I don’t know, Ma’am. That sounds mighty dangerous. All y’all fairies ought to know that we chipmunks don’t like them tall trees or them high mountains. Climbin’ scares us.”
“Should we know that?” the fairy wondered. “Anyway, you’re not an ordinary chipmunk, are you? You do remember that it was I who made you special?”
Billy-Bob frowned. “Look, Ma’am, I’m mighty grateful for all that magic and them words you’ve given me, but that doesn’t mean I’ll take kindly on you twistin’ my arm like that.”
“Sorry, I didn’t mean it. I’m just a little stressed at the moment.”
“I understand, Ma’am”, Billy-Bob said. He had always been quick to forgive.
A bulb lit up over the fairy’s head. “I have heard that the witch has a gigantic golden acorn. You can have it if you deal with the witch.”
“A gigantic acorn?” Billy-Bob’s eyes widened. “That’s one of the few things that is better than a normal acorn. I’ll do it.”
Billy-Bob said farewells to his owner (who was flabbergasted, since Billy-Bob hadn’t spoken to him earlier) and took a deep breath before marching into the forest. He hadn’t travelled for very long when an owl flew on a branch in front of him.
“Good day, Sir!” greeted Billy-Bob. “Do you live around here?”
“To know what question to ask is, as such, part of the answer”, uttered the owl.
“Riiight”, said Billy-Bob. “Would Sir be so kind as to tell me the best way to the evil witch’s lair up on them mountains over yonder.”
The owl didn’t turn to look at the mountains Billy-Bob pointed at. “There are many paths to one’s destination, but only someone who has travelled them all knows which is the best.”
“So that’s a
no, Sir? Are you some kinda wisdomous owl?”
“Sapient is the word he searches for.”
“No Sir. I’m searchin’ for the witch’s lair. So do you know where on them mountains it is?” Billy-Bob was getting indignant.
“A question with an answer inside it is futile.”
“That might be, but it’s heck of a lot less irritatin’ than an answer without an answer!” Billy-Bob puffed and stormed off.
“Beware the end of the rainbow” said the owl, but Billy-Bob didn’t care for his drivels.
Our fearless chipmunk soldiered on, reaching soon the foothills of the mountain. There a huge Minotaur awaited him, standing next to a wide wall that had but a single door. “Who approaches the Labyrinth?” asked the Minotaur with a thundering voice.
“Name’s Billy-Bob, Sir.” The chipmunk was barely wary of the hulking creature.
The Minotaur let out a raspy cough. “Hi”, he said, now in a high pitched and mellow tone. “Sorry, that’s my work voice. I’m Mino.”
“It’s mighty fine to meet you, Mino Sir. Would you be able to tell me how I can get to the witch’s lair?”
“Sure. Just go through Labyrinth.”
Billy-Bob frowned. “You mean there’s a maze? I’m afraid I’m no good with directions.”
“Oh no, you misunderstood me. Look”, Mino said and opened the door, revealing a straight path of crushed walls going through the maze. “People always got lost, and when I tried to help them they would run away screaming, you know. So I thought that why the hell not, let’s make it a little easier for them.”
Billy-Bob smiled and stepped on the path. “Thanks, Mino Sir! This makes my trip much easier. Hope to see you again soon!”
“See you! And beware the end of the rainbow.”
“What does that mean?”
Mino shrugged and waved a goodbye. “It just something one crazy owl keeps telling me.”
After a few hours of climbing, Billy-Bob reached a flat where a centaur and a dragon sat side by side, looking quite down in the mouth.
“Good day!” said Billy-Bob. “Why y’all so gloomy on a beautiful day like this?”
“You would be too if you had our problems”, said the centaur. The dragon merely sighed.
“Well I’m Billy-Bob, the magical chipmunk. Tell me them problems y’all are having, and maybe I can help.”
The two looked at each other and shrugged. “I’m afraid of heights. What good are wings on a dragon who’s too afraid to fly?” muttered the dragon.
“And I’m sick and tired of walking on these harsh mountain roads. My hooves are so sore”, snapped the centaur.
Billy-Bob rubbed his chin, pondering. Then he raised up his index finger and exclaimed, “I could change them wings from one of you to the other.”
The dragon and the centaur looked at each other, again, and started laughing. “Why don’t you just swap our heads then”, the dragon mocked.
Billy-Bob was glad the others cheered up a bit, but he didn’t like the ridicule. “Fine by me”, he said and wiggled his tiny tail.
The heads of the others changed places. The dragon bodied centaur took flight straight away. “Yippee!” he screamed, flying off.
“This isn’t quite what I wanted”, moaned the centaur bodied dragon, but the chipmunk considered the job done and headed for the witch’s lair which was a little ways up on the mountain.
There were no guards at the door of the lair, nor inside. The chipmunk hero tiptoed along a long corridor and to a room at the end of it. In that room, there he was, the evil witch. (Yes, the witch was also a man; sorry J. K. R., but male witches are not wizards, but witches. Jeez!)
And snuggling with the witch was the fairy queen.
“What on earth?” marvelled Billy-Bob. “What are you doing, Ma’am? My momma always said that you shouldn’t go huggin’ folks that are mean.”
“There was a misunderstanding”, said the fairy. “George the Witch here didn’t really want to destroy the forest but only to conquer my heart.”
“What about my quest? And my prize?”
“You wanted the acorn?” asked George. “Help yourself to it. Its in the treasury. Just beware the end of the rainbow.”
Billy-Bob was pissed off as he shuffled to the treasury and didn’t want to ask about that rainbow business although it was the third time he had heard it. But when he saw the enormous golden acorn he was overjoyed. Rushing to the acorn, he tried to sink his teeth into it. His two front teeth broke. “I can’t eat this”, sniffled Billy-Bob.
“There isn’t always happiness at the end of the rainbow”, stated the fairy.
Billy-Bob returned to the village, defeated. While he was gone, the other boy had told the first boy how he felt, and since the first boy had little chances on getting the girl (who liked the other boy), he agreed to date him. At that point the girl had seen what a fool she had been and asked the boys if they liked a threesome. They answered yes. And they all lived happily ever after. All except Billy-Bob.
*****
“What’s the moral?” asked one of the children listening.
“A moral? Damned if I know”, said the grumpy old man who had told the story. “Don’t go on stupid quests? And explore your sexuality?” The kids stared at the man. “Who the hell even wants to hear fairy tales these days. Go game with your PlayBoxes and smart tablets! Scram!”
