@Henry (http://fantasy-faction.com/forum/index.php?action=profile;u=8080) Dale, I think David got a number of things right, though I'm not so bothered by the balck fox/white fox dialectic. I agree, though, that the villagers don't come off as particularly abusive. But I think that could be fixed relatively easily. My suggestion would be that we see them go beyond the need to stave off starvation. You say they fill their baskets to the brim, but not that this scours the forest and leaves it empty for the animals. We could see them cast slightly blemished fruit on the ground, and other things. The point would be that they do become greedy when given the opportunity to take and take and take. I think this would resolve much of the problem.
A minor thing: The connection of the white hair of the priestess to the white-haired fox mentioned at the end is a bit hard to make.
I have some wording comments inside the spoilers. Well, a bunch. And I sort of switched around words and stuff, based on my personal taste. Which may not be what we're supposed to do in these critiques. Sorry. :-[
But one of the things I was going for was to strike a somewhat more contemporary balance in the wording. In a few places it just felt a bit convlouted in the interest of being traditional.
Anyway, a lovely legend, and a lot to like.
Once upon a time there was a mountain where foxes lived around a shrine to the local god. There was a rich forest there with plenty of food, but none dared gather from it because it was a sacred place. The shrine was led by a shrine priestess and who while although she was young, she had long white hair.
Now There came a time when the kingdom had several bad harvests in a row and the villagers pleaded to the shrine priestess to let them- just this once- gather food from the mountain for the coming winter. At first, the shrine priestess refused the gathered villagers, but when she saw the hungry children, she was moved and climbed the mountain to ask the deity god for food.
As While the shrine priestess was gone to plead to the mountain god, a black fox approached the villagers. His fur was smooth and his tongue was silver.
"Do not fear me." He spoke said. "I've heard the tidings of the land, your hunger and misery."
The fox shook his weary head. "The spirits of this world don't understand what it's like to work sweat each day for the food in their mouths the sweat of their brow. They live in the opulence of nature and know nothing of your labour and grief."
The black fox smiled at the children and played with them.
"Go ahead and take your food. The spirits won't miss a handful of berries from this mountain." The people nodded at the wisdom of the black fox. They climbed the mountain with baskets and filled them to the brim with sweet berries and powerful roots. [This is where to show the villagers going beyond hunger into greed and waste.]
Meanwhile the shrine priestess had climbed the many steps of the shrine, cleansed herself with water and tolled the bell to call to the god of the mountain. "Oh, spirit, the people living upon your land are starving. Please be benign to them, spare them. Let them live another day."
The god spirit fox answered her call and appeared before her as a great spirit fox, grand in his majesty.
"Then why is it they are already scouring the my sanctum, stealing the food of the animals that live here? Why didn't they wait for me to speak? I see everything that happens here and what I see is greed without reserve. I cannot grant your wish."
The shrine priestess looked down and saw the spirit fox was right. She pleaded for forgiveness, but it was too late. Tears burned hot on her cheeks and she was never seen again after that. Some say she left out of shame for what the villagers had done, others that the spirit fox had taken her with him. The spirit fox abandoned the blessed mountain along with all his foxes. When the large group of foxes passed through the village, they devoured every animal there, leaving the villagers to die. [Because this would kill them how?]
All black foxes, who were traitorous, were turned to stone as punishment to watch over the mountain forever and sometimes people would talk about seeing a white-haired fox roaming the dark forest.
No longer would the forest be as rich, no longer was it spiritual and full of life.
Let it be learned that he who steals from nature, only hurts himself.