I’d really appreciate critique on my story “Grandad and Goldie”
Ok, I find I have quite a bit to say, and limited time to say it.
On second reading, I do find a variety of things I think could be “cleaned up” to improve the effect of the story. And as you say, Ryan, so much is personal taste.
What I liked best:
> Hope is another word for God, Kian.
> I love the absurdity of the gold fish as a god/dragon. With less of a word limit, there is a lot of room for humor on this. Does granddad bow when he comes before Goldie? Does he walk around the village with Goldie in a little sling or wagon? Do they fish together off the pier? (she’s not a fish, so what does she care?) Does Kian imitate these actions and get teased for it?
> The voice of the child narrator is well done - almost all the time. You immediately fall in love with Kian and granddad because of it.
> The pace and emotional arc of the story. It has a nice, even place that builds in pathos and then in excitement, humor, and finally, awe.
Missed opportunity?
> Granddad makes it clear that Goldie has to die in order to be re-woven, but we never see this - or at least it’s not a beat in the narrative. She goes in the water, and pretty much *poof* she’s a healthy, roaring dragon. Not only is this a disappointment, but imagine Kian’s reaction if he puts Goldie in the water and the old fish dies, floating on her side, eye glazing over. Beat. Reaction. Despair. Hope? What hope? Beat. The water stirs. Mud swirls. What? Hope builds, excitement, fear, awe, triumph - all through Kian’s eyes and reactions. And then, Bam, there’s that *ing word limit.
Two things I think aren’t working like they should:
> Kian’s narrative voice is lovely, cute, heart-warming when it works. But there are many times I feel you put words in his mouth that are far too sophisticated.
She artfully portrays a look of exasperation
awaiting some form of unwarranted military retribution
Here’s one that starts great and then goes off (for me):
A shop keeper juggles expensive silk rolls as he barges past crowds of hurrying citizens, and soldiers march past in motley patchwork’s of old armour, hand-me-down relics from a forgotten war
I love the general bustle in the prior sentence, which becomes specific here about the silk and shopkeeper, and then shifts to soldiers - which is important. But “motley”, “hand-me-downs” and “forgotten war” sound like a fantasy narrator intruding into a 7-year-old’s mind
Sometimes this effect of the narrator trumping Kian’s voice contributes to some telling over showing.
Wallowing in my failure, I go to wash the street dust from my face and arms in Mrs Niss’ water trough only to find Goldie waiting for me.
Wallowing is just a strange word to me here and has that intrusion. Plus some showing. I think of this: “I go to wash the street dust off my face in Mrs. Miss’s water trough. Tears leak into my eyes. How could I have failed granddad so,quickly? How — Something spits water into my face. Goldie stares up at me from the water.”
> The transition from grandad’s house to the street is missing a moment to get things set. All that needs to be done is to flip the first paragraph here (knocked over by the solider) with the next (bustling town), and tweak the sentences to make this smooth.
Apologies, Ryan, but I’m out of time. There are other places where my writer’s brain takes wording in a different direction, but again, so much of this is one’s own particular style. If you’re interested, I can try to share some of that soon. But I won’t unless you want it. And grammar, punctuation, and proofreading, that’s never been what this “contest” is about.
I really, really enjoyed this story.
