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Author Topic: [Jan 2015] - Science Fiction - Critique Thread  (Read 7663 times)

Offline Raptori

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Re: [Jan 2015] - Science Fiction - Critique Thread
« Reply #15 on: March 04, 2015, 04:40:36 AM »
Okay, turns out I don't have all that much to say for these two, but here goes!

@ryanmcgowan's Last Person of Earth

I really enjoyed this one, surprised it only got one vote since it definitely deserved more in my opinion. The premise is really interesting, and feels like it could easily be expanded into a larger story - a novel even. Now that I think of it, I got a bit of an Oblivion vibe from it subconsciously.

As JMK noted, some of the sentences get a little convoluted. I took that as a stylistic thing used to show that the character thinks in a slightly odd way, but it did go a little too far in places. However, what constitutes "too far" depends on the reader, and it only slowed me down a couple of times. In a longer form it would have been cool if that aspect had slowly disappeared, similar to the prose progression in Flowers for Algernon.

JMK's post covered the specifics really well, and I felt it worked very well overall, so I don't really have anything else to add to his critique  :-\

@Jmacyk's Honest Trade

Again really enjoyed this, and feel like there's enough traction there for a larger story. There's very little that I think could be improved to be honest. The action sequence works well, definitely no problems there.

I felt that the start was the weakest part, because it felt a little too passively worded. Active description forces the reader to experience what is being described instead of thinking about it, the way your first couple of sentences were worded made me think about the concepts of winter and muffled sounds rather than experiencing them. For example, this makes me feel the situation more viscerally:

Mist rises from the broken fields, smothering the sounds that travel across the distance. The sharp winter air freezes the moisture in our mouths as we listen to the clink of tack and the soft cloff of approaching hooves.

I also noticed a few places where you could have removed a comma to make a sentence slightly easier to read, and some where you might have been better served by an em dash rather than a semicolon, but I don't really think those are important.

That's about it really... great story :)
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Offline JMack

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Re: [Jan 2015] - Science Fiction - Critique Thread
« Reply #16 on: March 04, 2015, 10:52:56 AM »
Thanks, R. Glad to know it worked. And yes, I'm trying to cure myself of passive construction. It's a disease. Thank goodness I found the support group  ;)
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