September 29, 2020, 05:44:39 AM

Author Topic: [AUG 2016] Potions and Elixirs - Critique Thread  (Read 11508 times)

Offline night_wrtr

[AUG 2016] Potions and Elixirs - Critique Thread
« on: October 06, 2016, 12:52:32 AM »
I am copy/pasting from previous critique threads, but we can work on this as we go.

Here is the possibility to get critiques for your stories entered in the writing contest - and to give critiques as well.

So what we're doing is this:
1. Everybody who wants critique for their story posts in here.*
2. Everybody who wants to do a critique for a specific story (whose writer has asked for critique) posts it in here.

* I know that critique isn't always easy to handle, especially if you are not used to it. So if you feel more comfortable receiving it in private, people can send it via pm. They can post here that they sent a critique via pm so that others know about it.

Basic rules for critiquing:

This is just a small guideline for those that haven't done critiques before, stolen from this forum's writing section.
   
Quote
Critiquing Other’s Work
    1. Please read what the poster is asking for before you post your critique.
    2. Critique the writing, not the writer.  Never, “You are...” or “You should...” but rather, “The writing is...” or “The story should...”
    3. We all have different levels of writing ability here, keep that in mind when critiquing.
    4. Find what is right in each piece as well as what is wrong.
    5. Remember that subject matter is personal. You don't have to like a story to give it a fair critique.
    6. Remember what your biases are and critique around them.
    7. Remember that real people wrote this stuff, and real people have real feelings. Things you may not say while critiquing: “That’s awful.” “That’s stupid.” “You couldn’t write your way out of a paper bag.”

If you need help getting started on a critique, our own m3m suggested the following:

Something Awesome:

Something Boring:

Something Confusing:

Something Unbelievable:


*****If anyone has ideas or suggestions regarding this thread or how we could improve the process for giving/receiving critiques, we would love to hear them. Please click this sentence to join in the discussion.


Offline Lanko

  • Sherlanko Holmes, Jiin Wei and Writing Contest Regular
  • Writing Group
  • Khaleesi
  • *
  • Posts: 2901
  • Total likes: 1979
  • Gender: Male
    • Lanko's Goodreads
Re: [AUG 2016] Potions and Elixirs - Critique Thread
« Reply #1 on: October 06, 2016, 01:35:03 AM »
Since I kinda of inspired night_wrtr to open the thread, I better do my part as well!

Goldenfoot, The Brave, by @night_wrtr

Spoiler for Hiden:
Something Awesome: Rabbits! Shapeshifter rabbits! Congratulations, sir, maybe you should make Goldenfoot join the pantheon of F-F deities. And switch your avatar to a rabbit. Preferably a Playboy rabbit  ::)

Something Boring: Nothing I could think of. You hooked from the start something bad was going on, sacrifices would happen, an enemy the poor little rabbit was gonna meet and bam, apparently things go wrong then they happen and that ending  :'(

Something Confusing: Was left to the imagination but how he got a wolf's tooth or a kangaroo rat could have been used for comic relief.

Something Unbelievable: Uh... what does this exactly mean? Unbelievably good? Bad? Unrealistic?

Extra: - It was so fast and to the point that I wonder if you even reached the word limit.
- Good buildup of tension.
- The ending packed quite a punch.   


And since m3mnoch said he is free game to everyone and really wants it hard and strong  ::)

Love Potion, by @m3mnoch

Spoiler for Hiden:
Something Awesome: "Surprise, bitches!"

Something Boring: It flowed along very well.

Something Confusing: If the medicine prevented her from transforming, why would she warn her captor to give it to her? That would mean she would be powerless against the Colonel, no?
Hm, maybe the captor could find it, and since he was questioning his own motives and feeling remorse, could ask if she was sick and try to give it to her, and she refuses, or the Colonel would come in and poured it on the ground or thought it was a trick so she would gain some kind of power.

Something Unbelievable:

Extra:

- Dark is good, dark is life.
- Liked how her calmness slowly scared her captor.
- Creepy and messy transformation, for sure.

« Last Edit: October 06, 2016, 02:01:30 AM by Lanko »
Slow and steady wins the race.

Lanko's Year in Books 2019

Offline m3mnoch

Re: [AUG 2016] Potions and Elixirs - Critique Thread
« Reply #2 on: October 06, 2016, 01:54:13 AM »
righteous!  thanks, man!

Spoiler for Hiden:
Something Confusing: If the medicine prevented her from transforming, why would she warn her captor to give it to her? That would mean she would be powerless against the Colonel, no?
Hm, maybe the captor could find it, and since he was questioning his own motives and feeling remorse, could ask if she was sick and try to give it to her, and she refuses, or the Colonel would come in and poured it on the ground or thought it was a trick so she would gain some kind of power.


Spoiler for Hiden:

damn.  i totally should have telegraphed that more.  in my head, it was because she causes soooooo much destruction on transform, it's usually pretty urgent she take her medicine.

i was fighting the word count, so the only thing really left of the explanation was how she was glad they were out in the middle of nowhere.

so glad you liked the transformation, tho!  that was my favorite part to write.


would you like me to make notes on yours?

Offline Lanko

  • Sherlanko Holmes, Jiin Wei and Writing Contest Regular
  • Writing Group
  • Khaleesi
  • *
  • Posts: 2901
  • Total likes: 1979
  • Gender: Male
    • Lanko's Goodreads
Re: [AUG 2016] Potions and Elixirs - Critique Thread
« Reply #3 on: October 06, 2016, 01:55:58 AM »
would you like me to make notes on yours?

I would, but I didn't manage to write a Potion story  :P
Slow and steady wins the race.

Lanko's Year in Books 2019

Offline m3mnoch

Re: [AUG 2016] Potions and Elixirs - Critique Thread
« Reply #4 on: October 06, 2016, 02:00:38 AM »
would you like me to make notes on yours?

I would, but I didn't manage to write a Potion story  :P

ha!  i was thinking the pirates one!

Offline Lanko

  • Sherlanko Holmes, Jiin Wei and Writing Contest Regular
  • Writing Group
  • Khaleesi
  • *
  • Posts: 2901
  • Total likes: 1979
  • Gender: Male
    • Lanko's Goodreads
Re: [AUG 2016] Potions and Elixirs - Critique Thread
« Reply #5 on: October 06, 2016, 02:03:31 AM »
would you like me to make notes on yours?

I would, but I didn't manage to write a Potion story  :P

ha!  i was thinking the pirates one!

Ah, ok! Though probably by a PM until we open that specific thread! Speaking of it, hopefully you managed to pinpoint what caused the formatting problem. m3m & noch Publishing Co. has a reputation to keep, after all  :P
Slow and steady wins the race.

Lanko's Year in Books 2019

Offline night_wrtr

Re: [AUG 2016] Potions and Elixirs - Critique Thread
« Reply #6 on: October 06, 2016, 02:09:16 AM »
Love Potion - @m3mnoch

Spoiler for Hiden:
Something Awesome: This sentence "The thick tentacle,  once the little girl's tongue, shot out and wrapped the Colonel's arm, constricting. Squeezing. A sharp, whiplike snap shot down the length, and the man's arm tore from its socket, leaving an empty, gore-squirting hole where his shoulder used to be."

Had me like this:


Something Boring: Yeah, nothing boring.

Something Confusing: Nothing really confusing, just makes me ask more questions about the part of the iceburg below the surface. How does this transformation occur and why the medicine to keep her from turning into it. Not to tag onto Lanko's crit, but it seems like she would want to harness that power instead of keep it subdued.

Something Unbelievable: This is fantasy right? I totally believe a little girl can turn into a 100 tentacled monster. totes legit. Maybe we should alter this question to something more specific for our genre?

@Lanko

Spoiler for Hiden:
You didn't write a Potions story damn it.

Thanks for the feedback, though!  ;D
« Last Edit: October 06, 2016, 02:11:29 AM by night_wrtr »

Online Nora

  • Dropped in from another planet avec son sourire provocateur - et Hades and Writing Contest Regular
  • Writing Group
  • Dragonrider
  • ***
  • Posts: 4731
  • Total likes: 3600
  • Gender: Female
  • The Explorer
Re: [AUG 2016] Potions and Elixirs - Critique Thread
« Reply #7 on: October 06, 2016, 02:12:08 AM »
I wouldn't mind getting some thoughts and feelings about my own story, but won't offer any until tomorrow. It's 2.15am right now.
"She will need coffee soon, or molecular degeneration will set in. Her French phrasing will take over even more strongly, and soon she will dissolve into a puddle of alienation and Kierkegaardian despair."  ~ Jmack

Wishy washy lyricism and maudlin unrequited love are my specialty - so said Lady_Ty

Offline night_wrtr

Re: [AUG 2016] Potions and Elixirs - Critique Thread
« Reply #8 on: October 06, 2016, 02:51:49 AM »
The Last Ingredient - @Nora

Spoiler for Hiden:
Something Awesome: Brewing a potion in a secret organ? Bad. Ass.

I also liked the ending and the build up to getting the last ingredient and that shes been working on it for 3 years.

Something Boring: You had me hooked early and kept my attention. I enjoyed the dialogue, it was nice and realistic, flowing well. The exposition was sharp and didn't wander.

Something Confusing: It took me a bit to realize she was in a kind of jail, but I don't think I was ever fully connected to the surroundings until later during the convo between Ira and Erikson.

Something Unbelievable: n/a

Extra: I enjoyed it so much I voted for it.  :D

Offline Lanko

  • Sherlanko Holmes, Jiin Wei and Writing Contest Regular
  • Writing Group
  • Khaleesi
  • *
  • Posts: 2901
  • Total likes: 1979
  • Gender: Male
    • Lanko's Goodreads
Re: [AUG 2016] Potions and Elixirs - Critique Thread
« Reply #9 on: October 06, 2016, 03:10:59 AM »
I had a devious idea. Since we don't know who Anonymous is, I've decided he/she/they is free game! Maybe I can write an infuriating (or super wonderful) critique to make Anonymous come forward to complain (or appreciate)  ::)

Potion, potion, potion, by Anonymous

Spoiler for Hiden:
Something Awesome: Creative, funny, good characterization. That plot twist. Then re-read and see the foreshadow and ask yourself "wow, how I didn't notice?"

Something Boring: Nothing. Flowed well and is a comical story.

Something Confusing: Probably intentional and left for the reader's imagination, but could be cool/funny to know what caused the witch's relentless vengeance.

Something Unbelievable: It's fantasy  :P

Extras:

- Curiosity: I think this story was heavily influenced by the previous contest (The Story Generator) and kinda of reminded me of it. Then I went to check: Genre: Comic, Class: Wizard, Location: --, Magical Object: Talking Sword,  Weakness: Too trusting, Nemesis: Evil witch or ex-girlfriend, Extra: cake and massive explosion.
- The echoing sword was so amazingly annoying. And when it glittered with glee as it cut the cake.  ;D
- Good writing, prose flows really well.

« Last Edit: October 06, 2016, 05:12:30 AM by Lanko »
Slow and steady wins the race.

Lanko's Year in Books 2019

Offline Lanko

  • Sherlanko Holmes, Jiin Wei and Writing Contest Regular
  • Writing Group
  • Khaleesi
  • *
  • Posts: 2901
  • Total likes: 1979
  • Gender: Male
    • Lanko's Goodreads
Re: [AUG 2016] Potions and Elixirs - Critique Thread
« Reply #10 on: October 06, 2016, 05:02:06 AM »
The Last Ingredient, by @Nora:

Spoiler for Hiden:

Something Awesome: Her own body is a personal alchemy lab? Nice. Intangibility potion even more cool. Great writing, flows really well, easy to read, hooked me from the start. *Places City of Stairs up on the TBR list*  :P. Writing made the prison feel a bit claustrophobic/hopeless. Guess I did enter the character's head.

Something Boring: Boring is not the correct word, but her nice treatment from her fellow werewolf inmate and the prison guard, both brutes and despite Stockholm syndrome, made me think "Ew, love triangle!" Even if it didn't happen  :P

Something Confusing:The initial paragraph. The "our ears" and "we'll return indoors" somehow made me think she was referring to herself as two beings (a spirit inside or something)  :o Can't explain why, it just did.

Something Unbelievable: ---

Extras:

- Great use of present tense. I really liked it.
- Liked the details shown. How she portrays the weather, the size of Rachar's hand, Erikson's dry crisp shirt, matching Erikson's steps by habit.

« Last Edit: October 06, 2016, 10:20:49 AM by Lanko »
Slow and steady wins the race.

Lanko's Year in Books 2019

Offline ScarletBea

  • Welcome party and bringer of Cake. 2nd-in-Command of the Writing Contest
  • Administrator
  • Big Wee Hag
  • ***
  • Posts: 12487
  • Total likes: 7059
  • Gender: Female
  • Geeky Reading Introvert
    • LibraryThing profile
Re: [AUG 2016] Potions and Elixirs - Critique Thread
« Reply #11 on: October 06, 2016, 09:29:51 AM »
I wonder if people will like my *really* short notes?

Here are a few:

m3mnoch:
Spoiler for Hiden:
so weird, eek - sorry, only 3

Nora:
Spoiler for Hiden:
so very good - 5 - voted

night_wrtr:
Spoiler for Hiden:
bunnies!!! super, definitely a vote - 5 - voted

Anonymous:
Spoiler for Hiden:
great, especially the echo and the cake - 5 - voted

Mr.J:
Spoiler for Hiden:
very good, big contender - 5 - voted

Jmack:
Spoiler for Hiden:
good, interesting, but is it a single story?? - 5 - could have voted...

tebakutis:
Spoiler for Hiden:
so great, all dialogue - 5 - could have voted

Saraband:
Spoiler for Hiden:
good, but feel it's too short - 4-5

(I have this type for all of them, so ask if you want to know those I haven't posted, hehe)
At home in the Fantasy Faction forum!

I'm "She Who Reigns Over Us All In Crimson Cheer", according to Peat!

Offline ArcaneArtsVelho

  • Secretly I'm laughing about jurassic raccoon testicles. And a Writing Contest Regular
  • Auror
  • ***
  • Posts: 1024
  • Total likes: 840
  • Gender: Male
  • Only partially responsible for my custom title.
Re: [AUG 2016] Potions and Elixirs - Critique Thread
« Reply #12 on: October 06, 2016, 09:52:25 AM »
(I have this type for all of them, so ask if you want to know those I haven't posted, hehe)
Hmm... I'm not really sure if I want to know what you wrote about my story.  ;)

Spoiler for Hiden:
Nah, of course I want to know.  :)
Everything I wrote above is pure conjecture. I don't know what I'm talking about.

I'm a perfectionist but not very good at anything. That's why I rarely finish things.

Offline ScarletBea

  • Welcome party and bringer of Cake. 2nd-in-Command of the Writing Contest
  • Administrator
  • Big Wee Hag
  • ***
  • Posts: 12487
  • Total likes: 7059
  • Gender: Female
  • Geeky Reading Introvert
    • LibraryThing profile
Re: [AUG 2016] Potions and Elixirs - Critique Thread
« Reply #13 on: October 06, 2016, 09:56:16 AM »
Oh, I didn't do yours because I'd basically already commented on the discussion thread when you first posted, hehe

It was
Spoiler for Hiden:
OMG!!! Funny ;D :-[ but poetry, and that doesn't compare when I read the other stories, especially this month - 4-5 for poetry
At home in the Fantasy Faction forum!

I'm "She Who Reigns Over Us All In Crimson Cheer", according to Peat!

Offline JMack

  • Hircum Magna Rex of the Fabled Atku Temple, and writing contest regular
  • Writing Group
  • Big Wee Hag
  • ******
  • Posts: 7195
  • Total likes: 4895
  • Gender: Male
  • Our daily efforts are love poems to the universe.
    • Tales of Starlit Lands
Re: [AUG 2016] Potions and Elixirs - Critique Thread
« Reply #14 on: October 06, 2016, 11:43:33 AM »
I'd really like comments on mine. I'll post a few here today.
@ScarletBea: can you help me understand the "is this one story" thought?

Change, when it comes, will step lightly before it kicks like thunder. (GRMatthews)
You are being naive if you think that any sweet and light theme cannot be strangled and force fed it's own flesh. (Nora)
www.starlit-lands.com