So,
@ArcaneArtsVelho,
What with being the last one, yours may have been at a disadvantage when I read through the stories initially--and I was tired and did read them all in two nights--but overall I thought this was a good story to finish up on. Despite the warning at the start, there was nothing in it I didn't particularly like, and I thought it was a rather imaginative piece that had a nice circle from start to finish, even if the opening did sort of give away where it was going. That's okay though. Contrary to popular, as great as twists are, stories can be no less enjoyable just because they have a clear road to where they're heading. Sometimes the lack of a dumb twist for the sake of a twist is a twist in and of itself... Did I really just write that?
Anyway! From reading your posts on other short story entries, I gather that you're often struggling against the 1500 word limit. In an effort to help you in that area, I think one of the things you should try and focus on is watching out for those adjectives/adverbs. Don't fret though, this is a common issue, and any writer who says that they don't have it or have evolved beyond it I would probably call a liar. It's natural when you're in the heat of creative brilliance and converting those images in your head into text to want to clarify every minute detail with that extra word to give it that little extra life. The skill comes when you go over the work afterwards and can see which ones you then need to cut out. As a few examples:
"
An allayed smile" --I didn't know what allayed meant as I'm a bit of a simpleton when it comes to half the dictionary, but even knowing what it means now, the act of smiling when frightened shows us enough to know that he's calming down.
"
Occasionally the fluttering flame in the lantern crackled" --the fact that the flame's fluttering doesn't add any mystique or mood to the scene for me. After all, fluttering tends to be what flames do.
"
his right hand anxiously gripping the mace on his belt." --by this stage you've relayed enough of his emotional state that merely stating he gripped his mace shows us he's anxious without the need to say so.
"
but the dusky far end of the corridor seemed too baleful to reach" --Again here, the setting is already clear so you don't need to tell us it's dusky.
"
dwelling even in the gloomy corridor."--Getting a real sense of foreboding from this dusky, gloomy, corridor! It seems to be in a crepulscular state!
"
and the petite lantern in the passageway did little to ward off the chill" --You already mentioned that the lantern was small, and on this occasion the reminer is actually detracting from the drama. The lantern would be more powerful were it big and unable to ward off the chill. That's not to suggest you should turn it into a big lantern! This late in the story there's no need to clarify its size, and honestly, the size of any lantern is so irrelevant in the grander scope of things that there's no real need to do it earlier either.
Modifiers aside, I thought you had a really nice setting in this piece. I had a clear image of the town, the creeping mists, the wall. In fact, I never noticed it on the initial read, but on the thorough one I just did for this feedback your description was so good that I could quite clearly see myself walking around it... which led to a minor blip in the plot...
As I understand it, the guy is a watchman for the town, but his station is in a secluded corridor within the wall which has no windows and a rope dangling down from a bell tower. This is by far and wide the most amazing watchman's post I've ever imagined! Even when he goes up onto the ramparts he still can't see anything because the rooftops of the nearby buildings are blocking his line of sight. And the one place he can get a half decent view from hasn't got any access point, leaving him to have to scale the outer wall by protruding bricks!
Please
please don't think me being cruel here--because it's so not the intention--but I'm laughing so hard right now it hurts. I have this image in my head of the whole town burning down while he's stood in his corridor holding his rope wondering whether he should ever pull it for fear of pissing all the townsfolk off! This is the most amazing thing ever. I so wish I had this job myself.
Right... calming down... calming down. <deep breaths>
Ah...!
So yea, there's probably a bit of work to do on the location. If it's any consolation, I never picked up on any of that in my initial read-through--in fact I think I pictured them in an alley by the wall rather than an indoor corridor, which may have been a result of that allayed word and makes the above interpretation even more awesome. That just goes to show how relevant setting is in the grand scope of things. At the end of the day it is just a backdrop, and when the story starts moving from one location to the next I sort of zone out into autopilot where I'm reading the words but not properly taking them in, because the pretty scenery isn't what I'm interested in if you've done the characters/plot well. And the plot here
is interesting.
What I'd suggest would be to relocate the scene up in the bell tower. You can have the lanterns, you can inject the fear in from the stairwell--mist creeping up the steps. When his partner leaves you could maybe throw in a sentence of the darkened land outside the town, then have the shrieks turn his attention inwards to where he sees the eerie movements. Maybe even have the mist situated inside the town but not outside. Something's amiss! And then if you want to have that little extra drama you could still have him climb out and up onto the tower's roof to get that better view of a hidden courtyard or something where he suspects the sinister villain lurks. All that's up to you.
The point is that by grounding the story into one location you're freeing up hundreds of words that were used to describe mundane travelling and can instead focus them into the mist which is ultimately the source of the fear you're trying to create.
In terms of typos or sentences that tripped me up I have:
"
It didn’t tell of marauding warriors approaching the gates, nor it rang because of a fight erupting between inebriated peasants."
I think you can remove the bit in bold. If you keep it, there's a word missing, but it's excess information as we know that it's ringing because you've told us in the previous sentence. Apart from that glitch, I thought this was a nicely crafted opener that gave enough intrigue to make me want to read on.
The man wearing the boots sliced through an eerie, waist-high mist roused by the cool of the night from the thundering waters of the River Thundring which parted the town bearing the same name.This went on just slightly too long. Maybe split it into two sentences. Bring the mist and time of day out into their own bit and contrast the sound of the man's boots against the river's crashes to naturally drop in that setting exposition. Loved the word clop to describe the sound by the way!
"
He heaved no sigh of relieve"
Relief.
but the storm of complaints in the event of a false alarm stayed his hand.For the record, two typos in 1500 words is pretty damn good by yourself. It took me a good few years to get them down to that level, and even now I've still not managed to beat them entirely.
This jittery watch continued for many momentsSomething about many moments doesn't quite gel with me. It feels somewhat melodramatic: "He put his hand to his chin and pondered over the short story not for a moment... but
many moments." I'd consider switching it up to 'a good while'.
"
Breas flinched awake from his slumber when the cat decided to leave him."
Ignoring the flinch, I wasn't sure how the cat leaving woke him up. Maybe have the cat's squeal be what abruptly wakes him, but not have the cat be there. That way his seeing it again holds more power. Heck, why not even have its death squeal be what wakes him up and build the tension as he goes to discover where it came from culminating in locating the body right before the murders about to happen to him.
Food for thought, anyway. Since it's almost 1am so I think I'll leave it at that. I hope you found this useful and my apologies if any part came off harsh. It certainly wasn't intended and I'm in a bit of a funny mood tonight. Also remember that my suggestions are just just that and not necessarily correct. Overall I found the writing was clear and I enjoyed the story. You've got a really vivid imagination, so keep at it because whatever you're doing is working!
